Seven

Seven months ago on this day - May 1st - I was scared to death. I had hit rock bottom and had FINALLY surrendered to the fact that I was very sick. I think I had known it for awhile but I was finally to the point where I was ready to accept help. After having a panic attack the night before I knew that something had to give. I was fortunate enough to have a husband who was willing to help me get the help that I needed. May 1st was a Sunday. I was so out of my head that I had my husband give me Xanax to calm me down. I had it prescribed for when I flew - this time I wanted it because I knew I couldn't drink but I needed SOMETHING. I had at this point agreed to go to treatment. I wanted to go away - I NEEDED to go away. I had tried outpatient treatment here and I needed more than that. I had no idea what was about to happen to my life, I just knew that I was ready to do whatever I needed to do to save my family and my life. I've never really had that feeling of not even knowing where I would be the next day but I had it on that Sunday. We were waiting until Monday to go to the treatment center where I was doing outpatient so I could be referred to an inpatient facility away from here. So that Sunday was a waiting game for me. I have never felt so lost, so restless, so helpless, and so fearful. That was 7 months ago today.

The next day I was referred to a treatment center in Nashville, TN which is about 3 hours from where I live. I was told around 10 am that morning that I could be admitted that evening. I wasn't expecting it to go so fast. I guess I thought somehow I could just put it off until "tomorrow" just like I had with everything else in my life. But by 3 o'clock that afternoon I was on the road with my husband driving me to an unknown place with unknown people and an unknown way of life. I think at that point I started to actually FEEL for the first time in a LONG time. I was scared. I was nervous. I was excited in a way. I had no idea what was going to happen when we got there. By the time we got there it was dark. It was rainy. It was fitting. After a couple of hours of paperwork and assessments I was in. For 30 days. Guess they decided I was sick enough to be there. I was still in BS mode on some level and the guy doing my assessment told my husband that he could see right through me. Hm. When my husband left I felt so alone. I felt like I was in some crazy dream. I was in medical wing of a treatment center sleeping across from the nurses station. I was being given blood tests, urine tests, waiting on my luggage to go through security....all at 11 o'clock at night. I was ready though. I was willing. I still at this point thought everyone around me was WAY sicker than I was. I was not as bad as "these people" I thought. I had lied to myself for so long that it was still easy to do so at that point. That first day there was Monday, May 2nd which is my sobriety date. That is the first day I had nothing to drink, no pills, nothing. What a life changing day that turned out to be. I have a lot more to say about my experience there but I'll save that for another day. I can say this - if you have the opportunity to go away to treatment and you are ready to be willing and open minded, do it. Go. It saved me.

Now 7 months later I look back on those two days and wonder who that person was. I look the same on the outside aside from gaining some much needed weight. But on the inside I could not be more different than that girl who walked into that treatment center. I owe everyone there my life. The friends that I made, the counselors who worked with me, the doctors who helped me understand that this is a disease, the people at the meetings that we were taken to, the alumni who came back to speak at the treatment center and the nurses who dealt with so many things on a daily basis with those going through heavy detox.

Making the decision 7 months ago to get help was the single best decision I have ever made. I am now a better everything - stepmother, sister, wife, daughter, best friend, aunt, granddaughter, sister-in-law, friend, and member of society. It has not always been easy. I have had some dark days. But I am willing to do anything and everything that I need to do to keep this way of life. Everyone says that you will be amazed at how much better life gets and it is true. Even after only 7 months sometimes I look around and just want to scream with excitement at how grateful I am. I'm grateful to know that I'm not the only one and that there are others who "get" me. I'm grateful to know that I'm a good person, just a sick person. I'm grateful to know that I don't have to drink when life gets crazy. I'm grateful to everyone who stuck by me when I was going through my dark times.

I'm rambling now but I wanted to get this out there tonight. Tomorrow I will get my seven month chip. I'll send a picture of it to my husband and to my mom after the meeting. I think that picture every month means just as much to them as it does to me.

Grateful to be alive and sober tonight.