My name is April and I'm an....introvert?

One of the coolest things about sobriety is that you start to learn who you are.  What is even cooler is that you become OKAY with who you are.  This has been one of the best parts of sobriety for me.  I have discovered a lot of things about myself.  I like jigsaw puzzles.  I like slam poetry.  I don't like putting on a lot of make up.  I don't like wearing heels.  I really like coffee.  I'm this wonderful mix of quirky things and I am happy with that.  Something that I have discovered that has really taken me by surprise though is that I think I am a closeted introvert.  If you would have asked me years ago I would have identified myself as an extrovert but today I'm leaning more towards the other end of the spectrum.  My mom is a self-proclaimed introvert and I never thought I had that same personality.  Well guess what?  Now that I'm sober, I do.  I think it was there the whole time but I was masking it.  I was trying to be what YOU wanted me to be which was an extroverted party girl.  Or so I thought.  Maybe not.  I digress.  The thing is that I love my friends.  I love my family.  I love going out and participating in fun activites.  I love to listen to people tell their stories and I love to laugh until I am crying.  But...BUT.  There is a whole other side to my personality which I believe is now the dominant one.  The introverted side. 

Mom recently sent me a link to a story that the Huffington Post did called, "23 Signs You're Secretly An Introvert."  I was really surprised to see so much of myself in these.  Take a look at these.  Do you identify?  Here are a few that I identified strongly with and the ones that made me think hmmm....

1.  You go to parties - but not to meet people.  This one basically says that as an introvert you like going to social functions but chances are that you aren't going there to meet new people.  Most introverts would rather spend time with people they already know and feel comfortable with.  If you happen to meet someone new, great, but that wasn't the goal.  I mean thank goodness I have met a lot of wonderful new people in my life, however, this is very much me.  At social functions you will find me with those people that I know and that know me.  I won't be the one up working the room introducing myself to others and making small talk.  Not happening.  I'm not there to make a ton of new "friends" or acquaintances.  I don't need to know everything about every person in there.  I don't need to know when the next party is.  Not my thing. 

2.  Downtime doesn't feel unproductive to you.  One of the most fundamental characteristics of introverts is that they need time alone to recharge their batteries.  Extroverts tend to get bored or antsy spending time alone.  For an introvert this time feels necessary and enjoyable.  YES.  Give me a day with a good book, a good movie, some hot tea and a blanket and I'm good.  I don't need constant activities and in fact if I don't have my downtime, I become very discontent.

3.  Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those same people afterwards.  Oh man.  I can identify with this.  I have not spoken in front of 500 people but I have spoken in front of large groups and I rarely get nervous or stress about it.  I am pretty comfortable at a podium speaking on a topic that I'm educated about.  But to make small talk with people afterwards.  Yikes.  My awkward side is likely to come rolling right out when that happens.

4.  You start to shut down after you've been active for too long.  Once out and about for too long introverts tend to become tired or unresponsive.  According to some, everything introverts do in the outside world causes them to expend energy, after which they will need to go back and replenish in a quiet environment.  I've noticed that I do this more and more.  I love socializing and I love participating in fun activities.  But I reach a point where I hit a wall.  After a day of events and social activities I hit that wall and at that point I need to retreat.  I need to go rest, curl up with a book, hang out with my dog and my husband.  If not, I very much go to the zoning out that this article speaks of. 

5.  You screen all your calls - even from friends.  You may not pick up your phone even from people you like, but you'll call them back as soon as you are mentally prepared and have energy for the conversation.  I saw something on Pinterest that says, "I ignore texts. I let the phone ring. I log off Facebook chat.  It's nothing personal, but people need to realize that sometimes I just don't want to talk."  I read that and thought, well crap.  I identify with that.  That makes me sound like an as&%ole.  The thing is that I'm not (well most of the time I'm not!).  I just have my limits with talking to people.  I am not the person who is always texting someone or calling someone.  I have my few people that I talk to on a regular basis but chances are, and I'm sorry for this but I've probably ignored a text or phone call or facebook chat from most people in my life at some point. 

6.  You have a constantly running inner monologue.  And let me just pair this one with the fact that introverts generally enjoy writing because I think the two are related.  It is said that extroverts don't have the same internal talking that we do.  Most introverts need to think first and talk later.  A lot of introverts say they feel most creatively charged when they have time to be alone with their thoughts.  I find this is true for me.  I have a CONSTANT inner monologue running.  Some people have this and it manifests as stress and anxiety but not the case for me.  I have probably 4 or 5 book ideas running through my head at any given moment.  I probably have a couple of poems floating around in there too.  I think I'd be bored without this inner monologue.  Strange?  Maybe.

7.  You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity.  It is said that when introverts move too much- socializing, being busy, etc. - they get stressed and need to come back to themselves.  It seems that there is a balance of social activity periods and periods of solitude and inwardness with introverts.  They almost need a recovery period after a ton of social interaction.  This is me.  If we have had a super busy weekend filled with people and events and rushing around then I start REALLY looking forward to and almost craving Monday when I can be alone and do my own thing. 

These are just a few of the things that stood out to me in this article.  There are 23 of them and I can relate to almost every one of them.  I think that I always associated being introverted with being shy and that isn't the case with introverts at all.  It's much different than that. I'm okay today with being introverted.  It's okay that I don't want to be "on" all of the time.  It's okay if after a long day of socializing I want to go rest when others want to stay and socialize.  It's okay that I'd rather stay in and write or read than go to a bunch of social gatherings. 

I have seen some great quotes about being an introvert that have described me perfectly.  I will leave you with some of those. 

"I am not boring or shy.  I am an introvert. An artist.  A lover.  A dreamer.  A fighter.  A seeker."

"Introverts crave meaning, so party chitchat feels like sandpaper to our psyche."

"Introverts tend to get their energy from within, so being with people is draining.  After a day filled with people or activities, introverts tend to feel exhausted and empty.  They just need quiet time to come back to themselves."

"I'm an introvert.  I love being by myself, love being outdoors, loving taking a long walk with my dogs and looking at the trees, flowers, and the sky."

"Some of an introverts best 24 hours ever are spent with no human interaction.  All that delicious time was spent however they wishes and delightfully alone."

Bye Bye Chameleon

It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down and blogged but for some reason lately I have the itch.  The writing itch.  I of course want to write my life story but have you ever really thought about that?  I feel like you would have to wait until after you were dead to have it published.  Anyway…I digress.  Someday I will write a book, probably with the help of my mother but until then, I will get back to my blog here.

I celebrated 2 years of being clean and sober on May 2^nd.  What a blessing!  I would have never guessed that to be possible.  It hasn’t always been easy but it’s always been worth it.  “More will be revealed,” is something I hear a lot in the recovery community and that is so true.  I learn more about myself all of the time and it’s such an awesome journey.

The thing on my mind lately is how I am finally starting to be comfortable with who I am.  I don’t always know who I am but on most days I have a pretty good grasp of that person.  This is something that before sobriety I could not have said.  I had no clue who I was.  I was whoever you wanted me to be.  I was whoever I needed to be to be accepted in whatever situation that I found myself in.  I had no idea that this was an alcoholic trait.  This was something that I struggled with my entire life and I just thought I had low self-esteem or that I was crazy (that is still up for debate…HA!). 

When I was younger I always felt like I didn’t belong.  No matter what group of friends I was in, I felt like I was on the outside looking in.  If the group of people that I wanted to belong to liked to do certain things on the weekends, then I liked that too.  If the cool thing at the time was to like country music, then I liked country music.  If it was to like rap, then I liked rap.  I really had no idea what I liked though. 

In college it became even worse, especially in the dating world and the bar scene world.  My best friend used to refer to me as a chameleon and we thought it was so funny.  I could go into any situation and change myself into someone that those people would accept and like.  We are going to a sports bar?  Okay!  Great!  I will put on my baseball shirt, suddenly become an expert on whatever team YOU like, and I will drink beer with the boys.  We are going to a wine event?  Okay!  Great!  I will put on a pretty black dress, suddenly be very interested in things people with money are interested in, and I will have some wine and be able to tell you everything about said wine.  This was my life.  I saw nothing wrong with it really.  I had no idea that this was an alcoholic trait that I had always had and would only get worse as my disease progressed. 

The six months or so before rehab, I really became the ultimate chameleon and became someone that looking back, I don’t even recognize.  Even if I HAD known who I was, I would have certainly been afraid to be that person around the people that I surrounded myself with.  I’m sure that whatever I TRULY liked to wear, to listen to, to do on weekends, etc. wouldn’t have been considered “cool” so therefore I would have shut that down and went with what everyone else was doing.  I became afraid to read certain books I might have liked because what if someone thought I was a nerd for reading that book?  Or what if I listened to a certain genre of music and people thought I was uncool for listening to that?  Or what if I liked a certain outfit and it wasn’t what was “in”?  No way.  I wouldn’t wear it.  I was going to be whatever you wanted me to be, even if it meant losing myself and hurting those around me. 

Here is the good part of all of this though.  That is over now.  I won’t say that some days that character defect doesn’t creep up and I don’t all of the sudden look around and think, “Holy crap I don’t fit in here.  I am so different than these people.”  This happens especially at events not related to recovery.  That feeling of being “less than” can creep up quickly.  Today though, it passes.  I am okay with myself.  And you know what?  I am a big nerd.  I am okay with that.  I like jigsaw puzzles.  I like word games and words in general.  I like country music but I also like pretty much all other genres and today what I listen to depends on my  mood, not on who I am with or who might hear what I am listening to.  Today I love to read and I don’t care that people know that sometimes I like to read young adult books or something completely cheesy like Fifty Shades of Grey because next week I might be reading Catcher in the Rye.  Again, it’s all in my mood and today that is okay.  On the 4^th of July this year I wore a Duck Dynasty shirt with a red, white, and blue bandanna because that is ME.  I carry expensive purses but I am a country girl at heart in a lot of ways.  And that’s OKAY.  I am not a religious person at all but I do consider myself a spiritual person and I do believe in a Higher Power who I pray to every single day.  That is definitely something that in the past I would have been afraid to admit to any of my “friends” around me because I wouldn’t want to hear the backlash.  My friends today though all love me exactly the way that I am and I am grateful for that. 

This is a journey of discovery and I look forward to learning more as I go along.  Remaining teachable and learning more all of the time is such a gift and I am grateful every day for the life I have been given.