Bye 36 - Bye Girl!

I am now 37.  THIRTY SEVEN.  As in 3 years from being FORTY.  When did this happen?  What in the world?  The truth is, though it seems incredibly weird to me that I am this age, I am not completely bothered by it.  My life is pretty darn good today overall.  I'm grateful that I was blessed to live another sober year on this plane.  36 was an eventful year.  I was reflecting on the things that happened in my 36th year of life and I decided that would be my next blog post.  I like having record of things.  My mom says this came from my Pappy and her.  I look at this as a positive trait :)  

So here's looking at you 36.....

Physical Changes:  You guys.  This body that I have now is NOT the body I had 10 years ago.  Or even 5 years ago.  Or even 3 years ago.  This was the year for me that often led me to the mirror saying, what in the HECK is happening here? Is this the year I finally have to learn to wear makeup?  It's either that or I am heading to the nearest dermatologist for a, ahem, procedure.  I chose makeup by the way.  Anyway, this year I suddenly had sunspots on my face.  Like not small sun spots.  (Hello 20 year old me - USE SUNSCREEN and STAY OUT OF TANNING BEDS!).  And the wrinkle between my eyebrows from the "wtf look" is increasing it's size.  The cellulite.  Oh the cellulite.  And the stretch marks and the spider veins.  Where did these spider veins come from on my legs all of the sudden???  And that metabolism that I've always bragged about?  It's on hiatus.  Or in sloth mode.  Gone are the days of eating whatever I want and staying the same size.  And the hair coloring is now happening every 7 weeks. I mean overall, I take pretty good care of myself so things aren't as bad as they could be.  But 36 came with some pretty noticeable changes for this girl.  Bless my heart.  

Awesome Events:  I was blessed to witness and be a part of so many awesome events that went down during my 36th year on this planet.  I was in the wedding of my friends Sarah and Emma and what a beautiful experience was.  Their wedding was beautiful, we had so much fun planning and spending time with Emma's family from Ireland.  It was an honor to be a part of such a beautiful event.  I got to see two of my friends have their baby boys - Myles and Wilson.  I was actually at the hospital with Hannah had Wilson and it was an unforgettable experience.  These two baby boys bring so much joy and laughter to all of us!  My friend Katie got engaged to the love of her life and now we are in the process of planning her wedding which I also have the privilege of being a part of.  And last but not least, my sister Kristen had my newest baby niece Reagan!  My parents and I flew to Florida a couple of months ago to meet her and I was IN LOVE.  I didn't want to leave her.  I don't want a baby of my own or anything, let's be real.  But other people's babies?  I want to eat them up!  I can't wait to watch her grow up alongside her sisters!  Overall, my 36th year of life was filled with these events and so many more that I'm sure I am forgetting here.  It's a blessing to be able to be grateful and see the awesome things that go on in life and focus on those instead of some of the more negative things.  What a shift in perception from 10 years ago!

Kiddos:  I can't believe I'm typing this but Sheridan graduated from high school.  Is this real life?  Wasn't she just 5 years old?  We couldn't be more proud of the accomplishments that she earned in high school.  Watching her go through this last year of school was full of fun - awards ceremonies, cheer, senior prom, planning for college, and of course some tears and stress.  We are in 12 days moving her to Lexington, KY to start her freshman year at the University of Kentucky.  It's crazy!  Will graduated 8th grade and is now gearing up for high school.  Again, what?! How is he in high school?  He's taller than I am now.  And his voice has changed.  And I'm like wait, slow down!  He is such a sweet kid and while some 14 year old boys can be a real pain in the rear, that hasn't been our experience with him and for that I am grateful.  Looking forward to seeing what this next chapter holds for them!

Pappy:   Pappy really deserves his own blog post which I plan to give him at some point.  But in my 36th year of life I lost the first of my grandparents (which I realize is very rare).  Losing Pappy was very hard on everyone in our family.  He has always been this larger than life man in my life and over the past few years as we watched Cancer take that version of him from us, it was hard to watch.  His last week of life was as good as can be expected.  He was constantly surrounded by family and taken very good care of at both the nursing home and the Hospice center where he eventually passed away. It made my heart hurt for him to go but I do believe he was suffering and I believe he is no longer.  I had SO many incredible years with him and so many memories that he will never be forgotten.  I do believe that my "dreamer" side comes from him.  Again, I could go on about him forever.  That will be another post.  He earned an entire post.

Business:   So a couple of years ago Tommy and I decided that I could go into business painting furniture.  I didn't know how it would go.  For awhile I didn't know if anything would even come from it.  I painted a few pieces here and there but no steady flow of work and not making enough money to really amount to much.  But my 36th year of life?  This has been the year of Shopdog Furniture my friends!  About a year ago I was praying to God and asking him to show me what I could do to help our family financially (two kids to put through college after all!!!).  And then this business took off.  I'm not even kidding.  This past year I have been steadily working week after week and actually making enough money to truly help out our household.  I am now booking about 2 months out on appointments.  It's so crazy!!!  But it's wonderful.  I love art and painting and making things look pretty again.  I truly enjoy what I do and I will keep doing it as long as my body and my customers allow me to do so!  

Spiritual Growth: Toward the end of my 36th year of life I started to feel a little stagnant spiritually.  I posted about this already so I won't go TOO far into detail with it all.  But at the end of my 36th year I began taking action on this.  Towards being a better version of myself in every aspect of my life.  Towards being closer to God.  Towards being a better person in recovery.  All of the things.  I'm no longer okay with being "okay" when I can take some simple actions to become BETTER.  I want to grow.  I am reading lots of books.  Listening to lots of podcasts.  Surrounding myself with women who are also wanting to better themselves and be closer to God.  Being more intentional in prayer.  More gratitude.  Trying to be more present in life.  Trying to police those actions and thoughts that I'm no longer okay having.  I feel I still have so much more left to learn and to do here so I'm taking action.  No more stagnancy for me.  No thank you.  

So that's 36 in a nutshell.  I know so much more happened but I can honestly say that every day is so good and I am so grateful for that.  I think my 30's have been my best decade so far and every year I learn more, grow more, meet more awesome people, and become more happy with who I am and who I am becoming.  What now?  Let's see what you have 37.  Let's do this!  

Tackling Spiritual Growth

I made a promise to myself when I started blogging again that I would write honestly about where I am in my life.  Those are my favorite books and blogs to read - where people are just unapologetically honest about their life.  This might be a subject that some people want to keep private and that is completely okay.  I keep a lot of my feelings about God and spirituality private and will continue to do so.  However, I feel kind of guided to write this so here we go.

I have been in recovery for a little over 7 years now.  Through a 12 step program it was suggested of me that I needed to form a relationship with a Higher Power of some sort and that it could be a Higher Power of my understanding.  That was comforting to me to know that I didn't have to have anyone's ideas shoved down my throat because lets face it.  I was still pretty closed minded when I was first sober.  I needed the permission to do this part of things my own way.  I am happy to say that I did start doing the things that were suggested of me - praying, reading a daily meditation, and building a conscious contact with my Higher Power who I choose to call God.

7 years later, I am still doing the things suggested of me to the best of my ability on a daily basis.  I now pray on my knees every morning and read a daily meditation and pray throughout the day if I need help or if I have some gratitude.  I help others and do service for those around me.  But a couple of weeks ago I started feeling like I wasn't doing enough for the spiritual side of my life.  I can't pinpoint what made me feel this way - it just happened.  I started feeling like, am I doing enough?  I am doing the same things I've been doing for years now and while it's working, I want more.  I didn't know what this meant at the time and I can't say for certain that I do now but what I can tell you is that it lit a fire under me.  I can't get stagnant in life.  It's too precious.  I need to be growing in every aspect of my life.  I hear "progress not perfection" all of the time and I asked myself, am I making progress in this area?  I found a definition of progress and it says "process of gradually improving or getting nearer to achieving or completing something."  I will never "complete" this journey, but I do want to make sure I am at least attempting to improve.

Once I realized I wanted to be growing in this area, I did the first thing I knew to do.  I prayed about it.  I asked God to help me grow in my relationship with Him and to show me the things I could be doing to make that happen.  I talked to God as if though He were my friend which is what I have been taught to do.  It's amazing once I ask for help, things happen.  I have changed some things over the past couple of weeks and I have added some things to my routine that have really started to give me what I feel has been missing.  I have started praying with more intent - making sure I am really spending time with God and working on that relationship instead of just rattling off the same string of prayers that I have been praying for years.  I am becoming more open minded to other people's views of spirituality and their relationships with God - reading and listening to things that I wouldn't have just a few short months ago.  I have added a couple of daily readings to my morning that are amazing.  I have started doing a guided meditation every afternoon - I'm up to 5 minute sessions but for me this is a miracle!  I'm listening to positive podcasts that focus on bettering yourself, building a better relationship God, and being spiritual.  My husband and I have started reading the book by Emmet Fox, "Surmon on the Mount."  A lot of these things I would have been closed minded about not so long ago.  But by opening my mind and heart and wanting a change, my soul is feeling fulfilled.

I am incredibly grateful that today I have people in my life to help me on my life journey and to give me suggestions when I get in a rut.  I didn't even really know that I was in a rut until it smacked me in the face and I felt compelled to take action!  I hope to continue to take more action and continue to grow spiritually and in my relationship with God because I know that has to come first in every aspect of my life.  I am looking forward to seeing what else in store for me and what else I can offer to others.  Life is good!

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

"Comparison is the thief of joy."  I am not saying that comparison is THE thief of joy because I suppose many things can steal your joy, however, I have always loved this quote because boy can I relate to it.  Think about your day.  How many times did you compare yourself to someone else?  Maybe you compared your body to someone else's.  Maybe you compared your success to someone else's.  Maybe you compared your kids grades with someone else's.  There are all sorts of ways that comparison squeezes its way into our lives on a daily basis.  What I have learned is that I am most likely to compare myself to others in areas where I myself struggle.  Same with friends I have talked to.  For example, I have some friends who worry about where they are professionally.  So they inevitably compare themselves with other people their age and where they are in some fabulous job because they themselves are struggling with their own circumstances.  It seems to be our culture and maybe somewhat human nature to do this.

I have struggled with this in my life on many different levels.  One thing that I will say is that in sobriety, I struggle with comparison much less than I did before.  But.  I still do it.  My main struggle, especially this time of year tends to be me comparing myself to other women and how they look.  I have always struggled with body image and this time of year rolls around and lo and behold....I forgot to start eating healthy and working out in time.  Oops.  (Can you relate?!)  I get in my head that I should have a better body.  I should be more toned.  I should be tan.  I should....and the list goes on and on.  I compare myself to people on TV.  I compare myself to girls that are 20 (which I am definitely NOT).  I compare myself to women that I know who are my age.  I compare myself to the women on Zulily for pete's sake if I think they look great in something that I wouldn't.  All that this kind of thinking does is make me crazy.  As an alcoholic once my mind gets on a subject, it just stays there like it's running in a hamster wheel until I force myself to take some action to get out of that frame of mind.  I would like to say that as soon as I start feeling the comparison song and dance come on that I immediately take action and get out of it.  That's not always the case though.  Sometimes I sit in it for awhile.  Why?  Who knows.  But I do.  I think the world of social media just makes these types of things even worse.  We only post the best parts of our life on those platforms right?  The perfect picture of our kids. The perfect picture of our home.  The perfect picture of ourselves. Sometimes I have to just stop looking honestly.  If I am in a good frame of mind, I am happy for you and all of your great things.  But if I am in a sick frame of mind, probably not so much.  I am probably forgetting that no one's life is perfect and that I need to be grateful for what I DO have.

That brings me to the action I have to remind myself to take when I start going down the comparison rabbit hole.  Gratitude.  My life today is absolutely better than I could have ever imagined.  It's not perfect.  No one's is.  But mine is pretty darn good.  I have a great marriage.  I have healthy kids.  I have a dog who I am unnaturally obsessed with.  I have sobriety.  I have a LOT to be grateful for.  When I start comparing myself, I have to instead remind myself of these wonderful things in my life. Do I always like my body?  NO.  But.  I am healthy (for the most part!).  I can walk and work out in my yard and read and write and paint....so many people can't do those things.  I GET to do those things today.  Before I became sober I had no tools to deal with these feelings and I compared myself to EVERYONE around me and it made me a crazy person.  I always wanted more.  A bigger house.  A better car.  A better purse.  Better clothes.  The thing is, I always had everything I needed and for the most part everything I wanted.  My alcoholism was telling me that I needed MORE to be okay in life.  That just isn't true.  I'm so grateful today that I no longer have to live that way.

I'm writing this as much for myself as for anyone else as gentle reminder.  Comparing ourselves to others has the potential to go one of two ways - either we will feel "better than" or we will feel "worse than".  I don't want to feel either of those things.  I want to be grateful for the life that I do have and not worry about things that others may or may not have.  If you find yourself starting the comparison game - whether it's about your looks, your job, your relationship status, whatever! - try to throw some gratitude at your thoughts instead.  It seems to be the best antidote in my opinion.  Also you aren't alone.  We have all done this at some point in our lives and that's easy to forget.  No one's life is perfect.  But I'm betting that yours is a lot better than you think it is if you stop and take a moment to practice gratitude.  Being 36 and getting to an age where I don't give a hoot is also helpful but hey, if you aren't there yet, keep going!  It gets better! 😀

Back to the Blog World

Hello all!  I haven't blogged in almost two years.  That is crazy!  I tend to go through spurts where I will write a lot then I will go through a dry spell.  All or nothing.  As are most things in my life!  I do want to start writing again.  I feel like recently I have had a lot of thoughts that I wanted to "get down on paper" and this is a form of that in 2018 right?  I have always loved writing, journaling, and anything creative so this is a great outlet for me that I want to start using more.  So if you would like to read all of the crazy thoughts in my head (okay maybe only like 30% of the thoughts in my head because lets be real.  You don't need to know everything!) and read about what is going on with our family, then please do!  I know I can count on my mom, Erin, and maybe Kim to read this regularly so enjoy ladies!  HA!

I want to not only write about what is going on in our family (because we have a lot of great things that go on!), but I want to write about some things that I feel guided to write about.  I want to continue to blog about sobriety.  Reading sobriety blogs has always been and continues to be so therapeutic to me and I love when they can also make me laugh.  So sobriety and the things that go along with it - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I want to write about friendships.  I want to write about where I am in my life physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I want to write about books I am reading and podcasts I am listening to.  I want to write about my family and how awesome they are.  I want to try to do this once a week - we will see how that goes but that is my goal!

So if you want to go on this journey with me, stay tuned for updates!!!!

Let's Move In!

Hey all!  I haven't updated in awhile because we have been busy packing and moving in to our new home - finally!!!!!  I have had a lot of people ask for pictures and updates so now that we are finally in, I can take some time to do this.  Obviously a lot has happened over the past couple of months.  We moved in July 16th.  The house is NOT completely finished but it's certainly finished enough to move in.  The only things left to do are custom things - closets, sliding barn doors, bookcases, etc.  I am totally okay living without those things as long as I get to be here.  :)  So without further ado, here are some highlights from our past couple of months!

As most of you know by now, we have a moose.  Yes, that is right.  A moose.  Head.  A moose head.  Tommy has always wanted to have a moose head in the house and he finally got one.  His name is Mavis.  HAHA  He was in Canada and it took him awhile to get shipped to us because of customs.  No I am not kidding.  We went to pick him up and he was in a giant box and Tommy was like a little kid on Christmas peeking in at him.  I was unable to lift anything during this time because of my heart stuff going on so thankfully my "personal assistant" Sarah came over to help with the pickup and placement of Mavis!  

Here he is being carried upstairs to his forever home!

Here he is finally out of his box and put together!  In case you are wondering, he isn't as heavy as he looks and his antlers come on and off.  They are the heavy part honestly.  One little happy family here.  HAHA

The day that Mavis was hung was a very monumental day in the Forker household.  Father and son bonding occurred.  Will was just excited to be allowed up on the scaffolding I believe.  ;)

Tommy was very proud to finally have Mavis hanging in the house.  You can also see here the accent wall that we put in our living room.  This is western red cedar siding.  Tommy cut it to size and we polyurethaned it.  It looks awesome on that wall!

This isn't a great picture of the trim around the windows but all of the trim in the house around windows and doors is also cedar.  It is all natural western red cedar with polyurethane on it (2-3 coats).  I then sand each piece with 220 grit sandpaper and wax it for it's final sealant.

When you walk inside from the garage we have a half bath.  I have posted pictures before of the sink top that we built.  Here is a picture of it now with the copper sink basin and the hardware on it.  Tommy is still in the process of finishing the cabinet for it.  I love the copper and I love the unique faucet that we bought!

I was VERY happy the day that my appliances were delivered!  We ordered Whirlpool appliances this time.  I had all Kitchenaid in the last house and we had nothing but problems with every single appliance so we went with something different this time.  So far so good!  I wanted a double over but didn't want to waste the cabinet space in this house so I compromised with this stove/oven combo.  

After having a pretty darn small refrigerator at the apartment this refrigerator seems HUGE!  I love it!  That middle drawer is a crisper drawer - I get a lot of questions about that.  

One of my favorite parts of the house is the screened in back porch.  Sarah and I worked for hours on end staining all of the woodwork back here.  The ceiling was especially time consuming but it looks so beautiful now that it is mostly finished. 

The stair treads for our staircase have been a labor of love without a doubt.  I posted pictures previously of the big chunks of cedar and how I distressed them and how Tommy hand hewn the fronts of them.  The next parts of the process were all me and I actually really enjoyed doing it.  We setup a place in our master bedroom where I had room to work on this efficiently.  First I did a coat of shellac on each stair tread.  Once that dried, I then did 3 coats of floor polyurethane.  It's so amazing how the color changes after the shellac and poly.  They looked so beautiful!

Remember that rusted tin that we got from my great aunt and uncle's barn?  Now you get to see what we did with it!  We wanted to use it for a couple of accents walls, one of which was on the side of our staircase.  The other as a chair rail in our half bath.  Tommy got to work measuring and cutting first. 

Once the pieces were measured and cut we had to clean them.  We started by scraping off some of the bigger tar chunks  We left some for character.  We then scrubbed each piece down with a stiff brush and lacquer thinner.  Once that dried we then sprayed each piece with a clear lacquer.  I think it looks pretty awesome and it's a very personal thing to me.  Love it! (Oh yeah, see that big bright white outlet cover?  Yeah we had that changed to dark brown ;)

Once the stair treads all dried, it was time to install them!  As you can see my very manly strong husband was ready to tackle this project!  The pictures below of the stair treads on the staircase were taken before the risers were put in so the space between treads is now also covered. :)

Having our new TV's delivered was a pretty exciting event!  Tommy ordered a 75 inch TV for the living room which sounded entirely too big to me but once it was up on the wall, it actually didn't look too big.  The size was proportional to the fireplace and the mantle so it all worked out.  

Then there was the mailbox post.  This thing is massive.  I couldn't understand just how massive until I saw it finished.  Tommy made this out of solid cedar posts.  He built it using mortise and tenon joints with wood pegs.  He is very into timber framing so this was a fun yet labor intensive project for him. :)

Here he is with his masterpiece!  This was before the post was stained but you get the idea.  :)  He ordered nice big copper mailbox to go with it.  

As I mentioned, we moved in about a week ago so a lot of things are still in the process of being finished.  I will continue to update this blog as projects are completed.  I also have some furniture being delivered and a lot of decorating to do that I will also post about.  We are taking our time on this house to make sure everything is exactly how we want it since we hope this is finally our "forever" home.  Stay tuned to more from the Forker's!

Then My Heart Stopped. Literally.

Happy Saturday night everyone!  I want to write this post for a few reasons.  First, I am pretty open about things that go on in my life and I process a lot by writing about them.  Second, people have started to ask me what is going on with me lately and this will be a very easy way to let a lot of people know at once.  Third, as I have been going through all of this over the past few months, I have gotten so much out of reading other people's experiences through their blogs, message boards, and them sharing their stories.  If there is one thing that I have learned in sobriety it is that to be able to find people who are going through what you are going through and who truly understand you is priceless.  I hope by writing this post and sharing my journey as it goes on I can help give someone some comfort or just show them that they are not alone.  

I will try to keep this all as short and succinct as possible but we will see how it goes!

I fainted for the first time in the 4th grade.  At school.  In class!  I always felt awkward enough as it was but to faint in the middle of class, fall backwards out of my chair, bang my head on the floor and convulse....well, that gave me a whole new level of weirdness.  At least in my head.  All I remember is feeling a little funny and then waking up with my teacher and classmates all around me panicked.  My best friend was crying.  I think back now and it must have been frightening because 4th grade is young for that to happen!  I was wheeled to the nurses office and picked up by my mom who immediately took me to the doctor to get a check up to make sure that I was okay.  I think they chalked it up to heat because at the time my elementary school had no air conditioning.  

As the years went on, my fainting became somewhat of a family joke.  It mainly happened at doctor's offices or in medical situations.  It happened after a shot for poison ivy.  It happened when I got my braces off at the orthodontist.  After the fact mind you.  Mortifying.  It happened one morning when I was at home and I had an eye infection.  I was looking in my eye in a mirror in our bathroom and next thing I know I am waking up in bed.  I fainted and my stepdad had to carry me to my room.  I fainted after my first pap smear with no pants on yet (!!!).  Luckily my gynecologist was a very kind man who had also delivered me as a baby. Neither here nor there but what an awkward experience!  It began to frustrate me and embarrass me most of all.  

I could go through every moment I have fainted in my 34 years but it would take an entire post.  I will just say that it has happened during nearly every medical thing possible - after a chiropractor appointment, during a blood draw, before a flu test, during a mammogram, and at multiple convenient cares.  In my early 20's it happened at home for the first time in years in the middle of the night.  I woke up feeling nauseated so I got up to go to the bathroom and I didn't make it.  I face planted between our bathroom and bedroom.  I knocked out one of my front teeth, cracked another, got a black eye, and hurt my knee.  I never did get sick.  Just the fainting and feeling horrible.  Some of my friends can attest to how horrible that experience was.  I looked like I had been beaten.  In fact someone asked one of my friends if my husband was abusing me because who believes a story like what had actually happened? 

In the past few months I have fainted at a convenient care, during a mammogram (yes, DURING), at the cardiologist, and twice at home.  The two times at home have been the ones that were concerning.  It was just like a few years ago - I woke up in the middle of the night and felt nauseated.  Go to the bathroom in case I vomit and down I go.  I try to yell for my husband usually but it's usually too late and I can't get the words out.  He hears the commotion or Rocko comes in and makes a commotion.  Like I said, we always kind of just joked that I am a fainter, no big deal.  My family doctor knew that I did  it and obviously so did a lot of other doctors in my life.  Everyone just said, "Oh, she has "white coat syndrome!""  

In December 2015 I had my blood work done with my family doctor.  I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism when I was 18 and have been medicated since then so I get blood work done frequently to check on things.  Over the past couple of years I have had several things "off" with my blood work indicating that I most likely have an autoimmune disease of some sort.  So he referred me to a rheumatologist to look further into things.  

I had my first appointment with the rheumatologist in April.  He was fantastic.  He did a full physical on me, asked me a TON of questions, and did a full blood workup.  I will save all of the autoimmune disorder discussion for another post because that is a whole other monster.  While I was in his office getting my physical, I nearly fainted two times which was not a surprise.  I have gotten to where I tell every nurse and doctor, "Hey, I am a fainter so be prepared.  I can usually give warning but not always!"  He was actually kind of glad he saw that happen because he noticed as I switched positions from laying down to sitting up quickly was when it happened.  He asked me if I had ever had a cardiology workup and he was pretty surprised when I said no.  Honestly it had never occurred to me.  I am pretty healthy overall.  Going to a cardiologist sounds scary and serious!  Why do that?!  I'm fine!  He insisted that I go see one to get some tests done to check on things so off I went to make that appointment.  

On May 2nd (which coincidentally was my 5 years sobriety anniversary!), I saw the cardiologist for the first time.  My mom went with me because I was pretty nervous and well, as you know, I faint all of the time at appointments so having a driver is pretty necessary!  He hooked me up to an EKG machine and said that everything looked pretty normal with that.  That was good news!  Then he started talking to me about my symptoms and my episodes.  I explained to him that they were always the same - I had about 20 seconds warning typically.  I get tingly, hot, sweaty, clammy, pale, and my blood pressure drops.  Down I go.  I convulse.  I wake up drenched, confused, and exhausted.  Then I am exhausted the rest of the day.  He asked how often it had happened and I told him 4 times over the past 3 months.  His response was, "Well, you know I can no longer let you drive."  WHAT?!  WHAT?! I wasn't expecting that.  I gave my mom a look.  The, "Is this guy crazy? Do something mom!  Tell me that isn't fair!" look.  But he was serious.  He said that until I am 6 months "faint free" that he cannot let me drive for my safety and the safety of others.  I tried bargaining.  But, but...I have never fainted while driving!  I have only fainted in medical situations...and...at night...and....crap.  He was right.  I suppose it COULD happen anytime.  I was pretty upset.  I am not going to lie.  I mentally turned into a 5 year old child having a tantrum.  I only let out maybe 40% of the tantrum with my mom.  That was a win in my book.  HA!  So aside from that life changing news, he said that he felt most likely this was what is called Neurocardiogenic Syncope or NCS.  He wanted to run me through several tests just to make sure and to rule out other things.  He said that one thing they can do for NCS is give an SSRI but I have already taken one for years and it was obviously not helping.  So he said for now to up my salt intake and drink twice as much water as I had been drinking so as to stay hydrated.  So I left there with several more appointments and no license.  It wasn't funny at the time but it is now - my mom said isn't it ironic to lost my drivers license on my 5th sobriety anniversary.  Hardy har har....  So I sat in some self pity and worry for the rest of the day after eating a lot of ice cream.  I looked up symptoms though and lo and behold....I have experienced almost ALL of these things.  

Then I started looking up stuff online.  This can be a good or a bad thing as most of us know.  For me I enough of a realist to not get bogged down with the overly dramatic information about conditions so I stuck to the basics and began looking up things about NCS.  It all made sense!  I also found a couple of Facebook groups and some message boards online and I couldn't believe how many other people experienced these same things!  It was comforting to me and I found a lot of helpful information.  

Over the next few weeks I had several different things done.  And I had no license. Very inconvenient but luckily I have a lot of great friends and family willing to help me.   

Echocardiogram - That was painless and shockingly, I did NOT faint!  Surprisingly!

Holter Monitor - During my first doctor appointment I was given a holter monitor that I had to wear for a week.  I am told that is a pretty short time to have to wear one so I feel lucky that was the case.  The holter monitor was painless, just very inconvenient.  No one wants a bunch of wires hanging off of them at all times attached to sticky electrodes.  I also had to make sure I was with my handy dandy little blackberry looking monitor at all times so they could record the data.  I was to press the buttons on the monitor if I had any symptoms of syncope.  I ended up with no syncope symptoms during that time which was a bit disappointing.  I kind of wanted them to have an episode to record honestly.  I even got strep throat during that time and just KNEW I would faint with the penicillin shot but no dice.  What I DID get from the holter monitor though was horrible blisters, horrible itching and burning and now scars (that I am sure will go away) from the glue and stickiness of the electrodes.  I learned that from now I have to ask for the "kid" ones or hypoallergenic.  If you have sensitive skin I suggest that! It was painful!!!

Stress Test - I went in ready to get on a treadmill and do my thing.  I used to be a distance runner!  I love high impact workouts!  I love the gym!  I am ready for this!  Or at least the old me was.  The new me....not so much as it turns out.  I got all hooked up, started walking.  Then walking faster.  Then came the run.  I ran for about a minute and a half and I could feel the symptoms starting.  The light headedness, the tingling, the drop in blood pressure...so I told the nurse and she said, "oh yes, honey you are PALE!" She helped me down to the table and my blood pressure was 70 over something.  I was out of it so I didn't catch the bottom number but yikes on the top one.  She said it was good to see that though.  Any information was helpful at this point.  So boo on the stress test.  Where is distance runner April!?

After all of those tests, I had an appointment with a different cardiologist.  He is a cardiac electrophysiologist.  They focus on the "electrical" system of the heart.  He said that the results of my tests didn't show anything major to be concerned about.  I thought, all of that for nothing?! He said that he did think it was just NCS and he discussed the salt intake, staying hydrated and compression stockings with me.  I asked him if I could drive again since everything seemed fine and he said he wanted to do one more test just to rule out anything else and that was going to be a tilt table test.  He wanted to rule out POTS and anything else that might be going on.  So off I went with my compression stocking prescription and renewed hope that maybe, just maybe I would be able to drive again soon!  

Check out my newest accessory - aren't these fun?  Actually no.  They are just hot and itchy but hey, I will do what he says to do at this point!  Although they do actually give me probably more of a tan look than I will get naturally.  Hm.  

So this past Tuesday I went in for my tilt table test.  I had read up on it and had it explained to me by the nice nurse who called the day before.  It seemed pretty harmless.  I had read several people have bad experiences with it but I thought, well, I will be strapped down so what is the worst that can happen?  (If you are curious what this test is all about, click --> here!)

I got in the room, they got me all hooked up to a heart monitor, blood pressure cuff, and got my IV in and I was told just to relax until the procedure.  Tommy thought I would faint with the IV but I didn't.  Probably because I was laying down the whole time.  

Here I am waiting on the procedure.  Thumbs up!  Let's get this thing started!

The nurse explained to me that they would raise/tilt the table up slowly from laying down to about a 70 degree angle.  She said I would then "stand" in that position for 20 minutes.  If nothing happened then I would lay back down and they would give me something in my IV to get my adrenaline pumping.  I would then be stood back up for another 20 minutes.  They basically try to get you to have syncope symptoms or at least pre-syncope while hooked up to everything so they can monitor you.  I told my mom, "I don't see how them just standing me up is going to make me faint."  Ahem.  Oh hello.  Let me just eat those words.  As soon they started tilting me I could feel it.  I stood for about 15 seconds and I looked at the nurse and said, "It's happening.  I feel it. I'm going to...." and next thing I knew I was waking up to my doctor saying, "April, say something.  Say something!"  I was disoriented and hot and icky but I managed a, "Uh..."  The nurse said, "Wow!  You might win the award for the quickest fainter on our tilt table test!"  Oh good.  Just the award I want.  But guess what?!?!  They finally FINALLY saw something!  I didn't say it was a GOOD something but it was SOMETHING!!!  Apparently....my heart stopped beating.  That's right.  Flatline.  See that little printout down there?  See that flat line?  Not supposed to be flat.  It turns out that when I was "out" my heart stopped for 7 seconds.  It started to come back very slowly as I started to wake up.  This was obviously a cause for concern.  I mean...a heart stopping can't be good!  He asked if that was how it always felt and I said yes which lead him to believe that anytime I have fainted this has happened.  Which means my heart has stopped before.  A LOT.  I was like so.....what does this mean?  What do we do now??

To make a long story short he said that we could try medication but he wasn't so sure that would help in my case.  He said we could implant a loop recorder in my chest to record my heart activity 24 hours a day.  That way the next time I have a syncope episode it records what is happening.  We can then see if yes, my heart is stopping every time.  If that is the case then we would without a doubt insert a pacemaker.  Or the other option was to go ahead and insert a pacemaker at that time.  I wasn't expecting ANY of that and it all seemed a bit overwhelming to me.  I did tell him though that he was the doctor and that I would do whatever he suggested.  He consulted with a colleague and decided that he would put me on Midodrine 3 times a day which is a medication for low blood pressure and we would implant the loop recorder.  He asked would I want to go ahead and do that today if they could get a spot in the OR?  Did I WANT to?  NO.  But I also wanted to get everything over with.  I was already at the hospital, hooked up to an IV and my mom was there and hubby was on his way.  I didn't want to go home and be anxious about it so I said, yes, let's do it as soon as possible.  He made a few calls and next thing I knew I was on my way upstairs to a room to get prepared for the procedure.  I had just wanted french toast that day.  I hadn't intended on all this!

This is where the loop recorder gets inserted.  It is about the size of a regular memory stick.  

I had never had any surgical procedure done other than wisdom teeth extraction so I was a little nervous.  They asked if I wanted them to give me anything to calm my nerves but as a recovering alcoholic/addict my immediate answer is "NO!"  So I just rolled with it the best I could.  They asked me a bunch of questions and before I knew it, I was on my way.  It all happened VERY fast.  The OR was FREEZING cold but they let me have heated blankets until time to get prepped.  Thank you Heart Hospital nurses!  For the implant procedure they only give you a local anesthesia so yes, you are awake the whole time.  Once I was all prepped my doctor came in and they covered my head.  WHY ARE YOU COVERING MY HEAD?!  I was a bit anxious!  And I'm super claustrophobic.  I was trying not to panic.  And then came the shot.  The numbing shot.  Which they assured me would be the worst part and at that point they were correct.  That shot is NO joke.  It hurts. It stings.  It burns.  It's like a penicillin shot in the chest/left breast.  I wanted to climb off the table.  And then I could feel the poking and prodding and pulling as he cut the incision to implant the loop recorder device.  It didn't hurt necessarily, it was just uncomfortable.  And my syncope symptoms started but I was laying down so I didn't actually faint, I just had to get through them.  The procedure itself took a little under 2 minutes.  It was very fast.  I was most happy to get all of the stuff off of my face so I could breathe!  It took me a few minutes to cool down and calm down after having the syncope symptoms but before I knew it I was being wheeled back to my room.  

Here I am after the procedure - see?  Still thumbs up!  Though at this point I was feeling a bit more thumbs down....

As the numbing potion wore off I was in pain at the incision site but they said that was normal obviously due to the procedure.  I had to stay about another hour in the hospital for them to monitor me and give me instructions on the device. The recorder can stay in up to 3 years OR until I have another syncope episode.  I can't remember the last time I even went 6 months without an episode so I am guessing that I will get it before 3 years.  The recorder will record everything going on 24 hours a day.  If I have symptoms or actually faint, I have a small remote that I put up to the chest area and press a button so that it flags that part of the monitoring.  If the next time this happens my heart stops again, I will have to get a pacemaker.  My cardiologist said that I should prepare for a pacemaker sooner rather than later, most likely in the next year or so.  I feel pretty young to have one (34!) but if it helps things then by all means, I will do it.

After leaving the hospital I went and had french toast at Cracker Barrel (that is all I wanted that day after all!) then came home to rest.  The pain at the incision site was getting worse and I was exhausted from fainting and the whole day.  It was a lot, especially for not being prepared for it.  Oh and he also said don't get my hopes up about driving anytime soon.  Boo.  A little more self pity thrown in my bucket.  HA!

The past few days have been kind of weird.  I have been in pain at the incision site but it is getting better every day.  Sleeping is the worst because I can't get comfortable.  I typically sleep on my side but I am having to lay on my back.  I can't lift my left arm, push or pull anything, or really do anything with my left arm because it hurts the muscles in my chest where all of this went on.  I know it will get better every day so I'm hanging in there.  I am exhausted.  I tire easily right now.  Making myself rest is NOT easy for me but I now have to remind myself that this is my HEART.  I HAVE to take care of myself because this is no joke.  I have an appointment next week to get my bandages all removed and to have wound check.  From there we kind of just wait and see what happens with the recorder.  I'm hoping something happens sooner rather than later honestly.  But a break from doctor's appointments will be nice.

If you made it through all of that, well, you must be one of those people who really loves me and cares about me because that was a LOT.  HAHA!  But when people ask me what is going on, it's hard to explain all of this quickly so it's all here now for anyone to visit if they have questions about what is going on with me.  It's been noticeable in my life and it has changed my life.  I can't drive now so I have had to give up some things that I have been used to doing.  That has been hard.  I am not able to exercise like I want to right now.  I tire very easily so I can't do as much as I want to be doing.  Thank you to everyone who has given me rides and given me support through all of this.  I am very blessed to have the friends and family that I have!

I will keep this updated because again, I have gotten so much out of other people writing about their experience so I want to do the same.

So Close I Can Taste It!

Hello all!  Well as the title of this post tell you, we are so close to being finished that I can almost taste it!!!  We now have a move in date of July 16th so a little over month before we get to move into our new beautiful home.  It's been a long and busy road but I know we will love it and be thankful for having everything just how we want it.  Here are some recent updates:

This nice big hunk of cedar will be the sink top in the half bath.  Tommy hand hewn the front of it and I distressed the top of it.

Once the hole was cut in the top we were ready to make it pretty!  Tommy used a coat of his shellac flake/denatured alcohol mixture first.  I then put several (6 I believe!) coats of polyurethane on top of it to seal it.  More pictures to follow once the sink is in and the bottom cabinet is built!

Here is a close up of some of the distressing that I did to the top.

While on the subject of sinks, we bought two of these guys for the basement.  One will go in Tommy's wood shop and one will go in the bathroom. I love the deep sink for working purposes!

I decided that I wanted to do something a little different for the pantry door in our kitchen.  I have seen a lot of homes that have colorful doors to add a little pizazz and I decided I wanted that too!  The door below initially was white.  I spray painted it with a very dark brown spray paint for the underneath layer.  

As most of you know, I love Annie Sloan chalk paint so I decided to go with that method in Barcelona Orange for the door.  I painted two coats of the orange paint on top of the brown.  I then did one coat of Annie Sloan clear wax before sanding spots that I wanted to look distressed.  Once the distressing was finished I waxed with Annie Sloan dark wax and viola!  I now have a pretty cool pantry door!

Look at her hanging out there in the kitchen!

Tommy made the stair treads for our staircase out of the same cedar as the sink top in the half bath.  We are using the same method on the stair treads - distressing the tops and hand hewning the fronts.  Below is where I had my little distressing workshop.  I used all sorts of fun things to beat these treads - screwdrivers, hammers, screws, nails, big rocks, little rocks, big chains, pieces of brick...it was therapeutic to say the least :)  

These will get the same treatment as the sink top - the shellac/denatured alcohol mixture and the polyurethane.

One very exciting day was when our granite arrived!  I think this really made our kitchen look like a real kitchen.  This is Lapidus Gold granite and we love it!  It looks great with our cabinets and my copper sink.

This is the area where my prep sink was installed.  It will be beside the stove.  I had this in the last house and loved having it for a pot filler, pasta drainer, etc.

The front of this bar will be covered with the same stone as the fireplace.

We also ordered our appliances and they will be delivered next Monday.  Here is what my refrigerator will look like.  It will seem huge compared to the one in our current apartment!  I can't wait!

Tommy wanted to do the hearth of the fireplace himself so one night we spent cutting and fitting the big stones on the hearth of the fireplace.  These guys are very heavy!  Here is the worker himself getting things done!

Here it is in the process of getting the stones placed.  One more to go in this picture!

Below is the big pile of cedar trim in our garage.  One of my big projects over the past couple of weeks has been sanding every piece of this.  Whew!  I was happy to have that finished!

And last but not least, Mavis the moose has been ordered and will be arriving this week!  For anyone who thought we were kidding when we said Tommy was getting a moose head, well, we weren't kidding.  This is Mavis and he will go high on the wall in our living area between the two 2 story windows.  He looks HUGE in this picture so I am very interested in seeing him in real life.  I have a feeling Rocko is going to hate him so we shall see.  :) Never a dull house built by us! 

As I said, we are moving in just a little over a month so stay tuned to more updates!  They will be coming fast at this point.  Can't wait to finally live in our house in the little woods!