Cumberland Heights Annual Women's Luncheon

As most of you know, last May I was fortunate enough to go to treatment for my alcoholism at Cumberland Heights in Nashville, TN. I absolutely LOVE going down there to visit the treatment center and to see some of the great friends that I made while in treatment. Every Spring Cumberland Heights hosts a women's luncheon with all proceeds going towards the women's program at the treatment center. This year the speaker was Joani Gammill so I was really excited to be able to go. I read her book "The Interventionist" and it was AWESOME. If you watch Dr. Phil at all, she is on there quite a bit doing interventions for addicts/alcoholics to help them get to treatment. Her own story as a recovering addict is amazing as well and her book chronicles her story as well as her work as an interventionist. It is SO good. I highly recommend reading it.

Anyway, so yesterday I drove down to Nashville (about 2.5 hours from me) and met up with my awesome friend Alison who I was in treatment with last year. We met at - where else - Starbucks and had coffee and chatted a bit before heading to the event. The luncheon was held at Hillwood Country Club in Nashville. We mingled, lunched, then listened to Joani speak. Of course she had her little dog Lucy with her. Lucy goes everywhere with her and is actually certified as a service dog as she helps her in the interventions. Awesome right? I really enjoyed her speaking and felt fortunate to be there. Last year at this time I can tell you that I would not have been excited to be going to a treatment center charity event. I was most likely extremely drunk last year at this time. If I wasn't drunk I was thinking about the next time I was going to be drunk. What a difference 11 months makes!

After the event we were all given a copy of her book for attending. She graciously sat in the lobby and signed everyone's books which was really neat. Lucy just sat up on the table as she signed. Here I am getting my book signed - see Lucy? HA Joani seems like a really cool person and definitely a strong one. I'm not sure that I could do her job.

After the event Alison and I did a little shopping then went to have dessert at a cute little cafe in Nashville. Such an awesome day and I am so grateful to be able to do such things with my time. I'm already looking forward to the next time I can go visit!

Recovery Comes First...This is a Must

I haven't written a ton about recovery lately because I guess I want this blog to really be about me and my life. Recovery is a HUGE part of my life because without that, I wouldn't have any of these other things that I get to enjoy - my family, my hobbies, etc. This is a good time for me to remember that recovery HAS to come first. Period. As I wrote to a fellow blogger recently, when I was first told this in rehab I was all, "That is BS. My FAMILY comes first." Let's dissect that for a second. First of all, when I said that, my family had not been coming first to me for a long time. It's sad, but it's true. My first priority had been me for a long time so to say that was a cop out. Second of all, let's think this - what is my relationship like with my family without recovery? It's insane and ugly that is what. To someone who is not in recovery, saying that something comes above your kids, your family, etc. might seem like you are some bad person. Trust me, for us, it's necessary. In saying that, this is a hard thing to remember sometimes.

I think I have a tendency to blog on here about good things - because frankly, I don't want to sit here and whine about bad days and in general, I am truly a happy and gratefuly person. It amazes me sometimes how truly happy I am the majority of the time. I never thought it to be possible, but here I sit, truly happy and grateful today. But something that my sponsor reminded me of this week is that I am still new. Granted, God willing, I will pick up my 11 month chip next week and though that might seem like an eternity to some people, in the grand scheme of things, that makes me still very new to all of this. This means I am still fragile. It's easy to get caught up in things and think that you aren't as fragile as you once were. And I am not. I know I am not as fragile as I was 10 months ago or even 6 months ago. But, I am still fragile. Some examples:

Last week I had a drinking dream. I hadn't had one in a long time. Those dreams scare the holy bejeesus out of me. If you are an alcoholic/addict then you totally understand this - using dreams are the most intense REAL dreams that you will ever have. You wake up and you honestly have to come to grips with reality and think, okay, did that really just happen or am I still okay? I had one the other night and in the dream I was at a party in Chicago and just like that, I took a drink. And even in my dream my thought to myself was, "Oh no! What did I just do??? Now I have to go home and pick up a white chip and everything I have done is a waste and I have to throw all my chips away!" Then I woke up. And I was scared. I think scared in a good way though. It truly can happen that fast is what I take from those dreams.

In the beginning of sobriety I had some bad days. Now, I have not so many bad days and they certainly aren't near as bad as they were in the beginning. I truly hadn't had a bad day in a long time and then last week, BAM! I woke up and I just felt....Off. That is the only way I can describe it. I immediately in my alcoholic mind go to, "Great, what am I doing wrong?" Because you know, I need perfection. I sometimes forget that I AM human and EVERY human has "off' days alcoholic or not. But as I took a quick inventory, I realized I had been doing everything right in my recovery program. I had been to a meeting two days in a row prior to that, I had been to my Aftercare program the night before and heard a great speaker, I was doing my prayers, I was reading....everything I am told to do, I was doing. But that whole day I was so irritible. I couldn't fix it. I prayed a million times and I couldn't get over this icky feeling that I had. I thought to myself, THIS is the exact kind of afternoon a year ago I would have slid into the liquor store, bought two bottles of wine (one bottle is for amateurs...) and went home and drowned myself in them for no good reason other than I just felt "off". Instead I plugged through. I continued to do what I was told and I just suffered through that day and honestly looked very forward to bedtime that night so I could start over the next day. A sigh of relief occurred in me when that 24 hours was over. Days like that are few and far between now but they do still happen.

We are getting into our busy season with kids sports. Will is playing on a traveling soccer team this year which has a pretty intense schedule for an 8 year old in my opinion. He is also starting baseball this Sunday and he does Tae Kwon Do. Sheridan is involved in a lot of school events also. Tabi is busy with senior prom stuff, upcoming graduation, and getting ready for college. There is just a LOT going on in our house right now. Monday night I missed my regular meeting to go to Will's first soccer game. I had actually thought I would have time to do both but to make a long story short, I did not so I ended up missing the meeting. After looking at the soccer schedule for the next couple of months I had to say out loud to my husband and to tell myself and remind myself, "I can't do this. I can't be everywhere at once. I HAVE to make myself put my recovery first even if it means missing out on some things." I want to be everywhere. I want to be able to be there for everyone but this is a slippery slope for someone in recovery. I can't spread myself too thin. So now I am working on a balance with all of this and I have faith in myself that I can figure out how to be a good stepmom/sister/wife and still be able to give what I need to my recovery. That doesn't mean that I won't have bumps along the way and days where I want to scream. I know that for a fact. I'm thankful that I had the realization early on in this busy season though that I needed my program to come first...I am going to need it in these busy weeks that are to come.

I'm rambling now but I guess I just wanted to get some things off my chest. I come off sometimes as super happy all the time and like I said, for the most part I truly am. But I'm human. Some days are "off". No one does this perfectly. It's progress not perfection. All we can do is our daily reprieve and take things one day at a time.

Enjoy your weekend and stay sober! :)

Books, Books!!!

I haven't written in a little while so I'm sure I have lots to write about but I need to do a book update! I am so into reading right now. I always have been but I'm definitely on a spell right now. A lot of this is because of www.goodreads.com. It is SO fun to look at all the books on there and hello? WHAT? WIN free books?? That's right. You can sign up to win free books. Basically all you have to do is read the book then rate/review it. I about peed myself when I won my first book on goodreads. I was SO freaking excited. Clearly I am excited by little things which is a good thing I think. HA

So the first book that I won on Goodreads was one that I already had on my "to-read" list so double score! "Let's Pretend This Never Happened" by Jenny Lawson arrived via UPS two days ago at my house - woo hoo! I started reading it and 30 pages in I was laughing so dang hard. She is REALLY funny. She reminds me a lot of Jen Lancaster who I really love. This is a memoir but a totally hysterical one. If you are offended by the "f word" or by crass humor in general, then move on. If you are not offended by those things, then go get this book now because it's so damn funny. I'm about halfway through with it right now and I am already hoping she writes another book soon. And the fact that I didn't pay for it? Makes it even better.

My friend Nikki is a master at figuring out all thing internet so she kind of studied about what she felt were some ways to make winning easier and I'll be danged if I didn't listen to her advice and win not one, but TWO more books this week!!! I can't wait to receive them - I'm never going to have to go to the library again at this rate! This is the best thing since sliced bread. Honestly. For a bookworm like me this is the equivalent of feeling like it's my birthday every time I win a book.

I want to post about a couple of other books that I have read recently also because I adored them both so much. They are really different from one another but my interests are kind of broad when it comes to reading.

The first on is the first book I've read from Kristen Hannah - Firefly Lane. This is a novel about two best friends and it spans over three decades of their lives. I absolutely loved this book. I think I really connected to it because I am fortunate enough to have had the same best friend since I was 5 years old (which makes that....er....crap. Going on 26 years now. Man I'm getting old...). I could relate to a lot of the situations that they were in and the feelings that they had toward one another. I couldn't put this book down. The book was written really well and I highly suggest it. I have put a ton more of her books on my "to-read" list now based on how well I liked this one.

The other book I read recently that was so good is "The Glass Castle" by Jeanette Walls. Anytime that I told people that I like to read memoirs they said that I had to read this one so I finally picked it up from the library. Jeanette Walls focuses mainly on her years of growing up in a very dysfunctional family and how she overcame a lot of what she went through as a child. You should really go read about this book on Amazon because I know that I can't give a description that would give this book any kind of justice. This is one of my favorite books I have read in a really long time. Go get this one now!
There you go - some books to keep you busy for awhile. :) Once I get my other books that I won (SQUEEEEAL!) I'll post about them. I can't wait!!!

Momma's Sewing Class: Day 1

Well, since I am laying here on the couch with my back still hurting, I figure I might as well go ahead and blog again. Two days in a row!

This morning I woke up and felt better as it pertains to the back. I didn't feel GREAT, just better. So I decided I would sweep the floor and pick up the house a bit. Maybe not the BEST idea? I don't know. I just HATE sitting around doing nothing! My mom got to my house and we made our list for JoAnn's and off we went to purchase the things I needed to get started on my sewing adventure. Now, keep in mind, I've NEVER sewn anything in my life. Okay that is not true. In middle school home we had to sew these lovely nylon duffel bags...I believe mine was purple and turquoise. I have NO idea how I did that without hurting myself. I'm a bit accident prone and clumsy if you haven't picked that up yet. :)

Our trip to JoAnn's was fun as always. I could spend hours and hundreds of dollars in there. Easily. They had the cutest Easter and spring things out!!! It so puts me in the mood to "springify" my house. I was trying to not get distracted by all the cuteness because we had a mission - buy my sewing stuff. I already had the machine but I needed supplies. This to me was like grocery shopping. LIke not super fun but I knew I needed the stuff. That is until I found out that I needed a sewing basket. Um, I can get into choosing one of those. I like pretty things. So I picked up this little gem on sale.

The rest of the supplies weren't quite so fun for me but I knew I needed it all. Looking at the fabric was fun for sure. My first actual project is going to be curtains for my breakfast nook. Just simple panels, nothing crazy. I found several fabrics that I liked so we ended up after much debate just buying 1/2 a yard of each of them to bring home to hang up so I hopefully make a decision. By the time we got out of there I had a cart full of sewing supplies, some Easter goodies, and some supplies for a birthday cake I am making this weekend for my cousin.

We came home and set up the sewing machine which was somewhat interesting because mine is computerized and mom hadn't dealt with that kind before. We figured it all out eventually and after watching her I started sewing on some scrap fabric that we had (leftover from our wedding 5 years ago actually!) It was a lot easiers than I thought. The intial setup was kind of time consuming but the sewing part wasn't so bad. I definitely have some practicing to do before I sew on a real project but I feel a little better now knowing how to get it started at least. Me and my little alcoholic mind of course had so much anxiety about even beginning the project or buying the stuff so it was a sigh of relief when I found it to not be so bad.

In the meantime we hung up fabric samples all over my breakfast nook windows so we could gaze upon them during our sewing adventures. I am down to two that I really like and I just can't decide. They both match my house perfectly but they are kind of different looks so I am struggling. One is more springy I think so I am leaning towards that one. That is the one here:

However, this one below has a gorgeous purple color in it and I am loving that. They both go with my colors and my style so I'm just not sure. I have left them hanging up for the hubby to look at when he gets home. He says he doesn't really care but yet he always seems to have an opinion so we we will see HA ;)

I'm hoping to actually start sewing on these in a week or two. It's going to change that room so much having curtain in it! I can't wait!!

That was pretty much the extent of my day. Will had his first practice tonight for the traveling soccer team he is going to be on but I didn't go because of my back. Should be interesting fitting that in with Tae Kwon Do and baseball. We always seem to manage it okay though!

Hope you all had a great Tuesday!

It's all good....well almost all.

Hey hey all! I haven't posted in a few days but I wanted to write about a few things that have gone on this weekend. First of all, on Thursday I gave my first lead! So crazy! I never thought at 10 months sober I would be doing that but when I know that when I was asked it was for a reason so I said yes. I was asked by a friend who I met in outpatient treatment and I was asked to speak at the treatment center that we both attended. It's a big meeting and you have to stand up in front with a podium - yikes! I was like, okay so do I plan this out or what? My sponsor said, nope, you sure don't. You have a beginning (which is just your name, your sobriety date, and your home group) and an end (thank you...so novel I know...HA) and she said to leave the middle to God. Pray that he gives you the words to speak and that is it. She said the best leads are the ones that aren't planned out because the best ones just come from the heart. That seemed so unnatural to me. I'm a planner by nature so as the day wore on Thursday I started getting nervous. I was like, okay, I'm nervous that I have NO plan. I had NO clue what I was going to say and that kind of scared me. I must have prayed a million times that day. I had a bunch of the ladies from my home group come to support me which just made my night. It's so wonderful to have people who truly care about me. It made me feel so grateful. Of course right before I was to speak I was like, oh no. I have to pee. Because that is just me. Nerves I guess. Then I got all worried about having to pee the entire time I was speaking. HA But before I knew it I was up there speaking and the words just flowed. It was over before I knew it! I did it!!! I made people laugh, I made someone cry, and a lot of people told me that it was great and that they could really relate and that they heard a lot of their story in mine. Wow. It was a whole different kind of rush and high. What an amazing thing to share experience, strength and hope with others.

Friday little sis Tabi and I went prom dress shopping for her senior prom - holy crap! Senior! Eep! On our way we noticed a ginormous strawberry on the side of the road so we knew that we just must stop to have our picture by it. My mom and I always say we are going to take a road trip to find random things like this. I mean it's not every day you get to take a picture like this right? I think not. And oh yeah, we found THE dress! :) I can't post pics yet because it's top secret. But trust me, she looks gorgeous in it!

Friday evening we went to USI (which is where I received my college degree not SO many years ago....okay maybe a FEW years ago...) for Sheridan's science fair awards. Her project was chosen to be entered in the Tri-State Science and Engineering Fair and we were told that she had won some awards so we needed to be there. How exciting! I would like to tell you in detail about her project but honestly science is lost on me. I mean it is interesting I suppose to a degree but I took the bare minimum I needed to in that area. Not my thing at all. But her project involved genetics and fruitflies. She is a little smarty pants and we are so proud of her! She ended up winning 1st place in her category in her division and won an honorable mention for the grand prize! Being that my husband is an engineer this is no surprise that she is good at this stuff :) Doesn't that look like a proud 6th grader to you?

So that is all good right? Well here is the "almost all" part of this post. Yesterday I went to my Big Book study group then went to the store. Having a lovely afternoon really. I came home, got out of the car with some groceries, walked up the steps, opened my front door and when I stepped into my house, BAM! My back had some sort of weird sharp pain and down I went. I managed to make it over to my kitchen island to put the groceries down but then I just kind of hung out in the floor until my husband came in. I was laughing so hard because if I didn't laugh I would have cried. I could not get up! He piggy backed me to the couch and told me to just fall over on the pillows. HAHA It was quite comical really because when I tried to walk I couldn't stand up so I just kind of danced along bobbing up and down. Sigh. I hurt SO bad last night. I couldn't stand up, could barely walk, couldn't straighten out my legs....ugh. My first thought, "There goes p90x. Dammit!" I think an injury like this is more frustrating than anything because I have to depend on someone else to do everything for me. I am not a sit down and watch people kind of person. This morning I went to the chiropractor (of course, my chiropractor is out on vacation..."climbing a mountain with his wife"...um. So I saw someone else in his office) and he worked on me. Pushed, prodded, cracked, massaged...I honestly feel a little better. I can straighten my legs now and walk...a little. I have to go back Wednesday and Friday. I will be sitting on a lot of ice and resting today and tomorrow. It's frustrating but I have to listen to my body even when I don't want to I guess. Let me just say, my little sister has been a star taking care of me today. I need to give props where they are due!

Ooooh....I've read a lot of good books recently too. I've been slacking on book posts...I might do one later. Hope everyone is having a great Monday (even with the time change!)

Hurts So Good

Holy cow. So I started p90x yesterday. I had forgotten how hard that workout really is! Yesterday was chest/back + ab ripper. 90 minutes of pure pain. HA It was awesome though to be doing some exercise again. I'm so motivated to stick to this to hopefully see awesome results by beginning of summer. I went to the grocery store on Sunday and bought a whole boatload of healthy foods also. I know that diet is HUGE in looking great so I'll do it even if I'd rather have my Diet Dr. Pepper and chocolate chip cookie dough. Instead yesterday I had things like egg whites, grilled chicken salad, string cheese and almonds. Not so bad in all honesty....just a change.

Today I woke up and WOW am I am sore!!! My upper body feels like I've been in a car accident! It hurts to pick up things to move in certain ways....but it hurts so good. I haven't had this feeling in a long time and honestly I missed it. I love how it feels to workout and get in shape. Yes, I'm a sicko but I really do. About to move on to Day 2 workout today - Plyometrics. Let's see if I make it!

Other than that I had a great day yesterday. I met with my sponsor a bit before our meeting and she asked me to give my lead at the end of April at our women's meeting. Man! I'm starting to get nervous about giving my lead this Thursday. There were about 100 people at that meeting last week....yikes! I'm sure I will be fine - it's not something you can mess up. There is no right or wrong. I minored in Communications in college which was essentially a crazy ton of speech classes so surely I can handle this. Great women's meeting last night...I am so grateful to have that. A lot of towns do not have a women's meeting...I can't imagine. I've come to rely on the ladies in that group for so much and I don't know what I would do without them.

Wednesday I get to go see my best friend's baby again. So excited!!! :) Pretty much just a status quo week. I'm feeling good, I'm sober, and I'm feeling healthy. Here's to the good life!

Tomorrow is Day 1

Tomorrow is Day 1. Day 1 of my journey to get back into a fit, healthy lifestyle. I have been putting it off and putting it off but it's time. My rear end says so!

I have always been into working out. I ran track and cross country in high school, worked out at our college gym during those years, and have belonged to several different gyms along the way. The longest I've gone without working out is probably 2-3 weeks. Before I went to rehab I had an extremely strict schedule as to when I worked out, what I did, what I ate, when I ate, etc. It was probably a little excessive honestly - I know, shocking that we alcoholics would be excessive about something right?? I went to rehab and worked out maybe 4 times while there and it was minimal. Yet another alcoholic trait of mine is that I'm very all or nothing. Well at that point, I became "nothing" as it pertained to working out and eating healthy. The food at my rehab was ridiculous. Full buffet for EVERY single meal. And I'm talking fried food, desserts as far as you could see, pastas, etc. You name it, we had it. I know their goal was to fatten some of us up because let's face it, some of us needed it. I gained some weight at rehab, totally lost any gumption to eat healthy and became pretty damn lazy in all honesty. I think that was the only negative thing about going but man, it's caught up to me now.

Now it's been 10 months. I NEVER got back into a routine that I needed to. I kind of have been eating whatever I want, whenever I want and not working out at all. I mean I walk the dog sometimes and small things but as far as exercising? Not so much. Especially for someone like me who has always been pretty hard core. I have building up to getting in the frame of mind to make the change and it's finally happened. I don't know if it's the fact that summer is coming or the fact that I KNOW how much better I feel when I am healthy in that manner but something has clicked and I'm now ready. Like I said, I'm "all or nothing" and now I'm in the ALL phase. Now, in saying that, this is something I have to watch. I have had issues in the past with eating and exercising so I have my hubby to yank a knot in my tail if I start obsessing over it all. My plan is to get back in shape, feel better physically and mentally, and have fun doing it. It's going to suck at first and I know that from experience but as so many things I've done in my life this past year, I know that the end will justify the means.

So tomorrow it starts. I got rid of all of my favorite junk food snacks, bought a ton of healthy food (which I actually like so I don't know why I ever get away from it), and have my p90x DVD's ready to go tomorrow. I've never done that particular program but I know my body can handle intense workouts so I say bring it on. I had hubby take "before" pictures tonight for me. I wore my bikini that I like to wear the most in the summer. Bam! I looked at the rear pics and I had no idea that I was THAT out of shape. Geez. Okay, I have made the right decision in getting this party started. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not the girl who runs around saying, "Oh, I'm SO fat." I know I am not fat. BUT I am out of shape and I can tell. My body has shifted and is out of shape and jiggly and I don't like it. So bear with me here.

Tomorrow morning....egg whites for breakfast and p90x for a mid afternoon snack. Gulp. Here we go....

(I pray I can even move my little hands to type after the workout. I have a feeling my lack of working out over the past 10 months is going to show....)

A Twister! A Twister!

Hey all! It's been a pretty good week in my world overall. I was able to spend some time with my precious nephew Brayden and my cousin's little baby Colt. There are babies all over my world it seems like! Yesterday I celebrated 10 months of being in recovery - what a ride it has been! I always thought it sounded trite when people would say, "Your life will be better than you can imagine if you get sober", but it's honestly true. It does get better all the time and I am grateful every single day for that.

I think the big news around here this week though has been our crazy weather. For February, it sure has been active already. Living where we do in the midwest means we are pretty used to tornado warnings. As long as I can remember they have just been something that we have. When I was in high school if it was time to pack down to the cellar I made sure to throw together a backpack of all my precious belongings so they wouldn't blow away. You know, the important things....yearbooks, pictures of my friends and I, probably favorite CD's and books, my stuffed animals....come on. I couldn't live without all of these things! HA In 1990 when I was only 9 year old a tornado ripped apart the town next to ours and I saw the tornado in the sky. We were standing out in my Memaw's yard watching it. Probably not so safe but I'm sure there were a lot worse things I did as a child. In November 2005 one came through the city that I live in now and was devastating. Many people died, lost homes, etc. So since then everyone around here is a little more afraid.

This past week we were woken up at 5am on Wednesday morning to the storm sirens going off. We always kind of take our time getting to the basement unless it looks super serious on the radar. Let's face it - when you live where we live, a tornado warning in the next county over doesn't cause much alarm. It has to be within 5-10 miles for us to really get excited. Once they said one had been spotted we moved us and Rocko to the basement. Tabi was less than excited to have her sleep interrupted of course. That one was pretty much a false alarm that caused nothing but all of us being exhausted for the rest of the day.

Yesterday however was a different story. Yesterday I knew we were supposed to have storms but honestly you just never know if anything will happen or not. I went back and forth on going to a meeting or not but decided at the very last minute to do so. I figured I could get home before it got really bad outside. Tommy had left work early to go pick up our kids from school. A lot of the schools dismissed early due to the threat of extreme weather. While at my meeting the sky darkened, the wind picked up and the texts started coming in on my phone. My mom, my sister, the local weather station...we were all distracted in the meeting to say the least especially when the sirens started going off. By the end of the meeting my mom said the worst had passed us so I would be okay to drive home, however another one was coming so I had better hurry. I had already told Tabi to get in the basement and grab Rocko. I called Tommy and told him to hurry his butt home. I wanted us all home, together, in the basement. It looked ugly outside. And it feels weird when a tornado is coming also. If you've been around one, you know what I mean. I made it home about 5 minutes after Tommy and the kids and they started saying there was a sighting near our house. We all barreled to the basement when I told Tommy that it was about a mile from us. While in the basement someone from our country club posted the picture below. This is taken at the top of our hill from our house. Um. Okay. So that is actually scary. Like I said, normally we don't get too freaked out but that sucker is huge and ugly and black and WAY too close for comfort.

We rode out the storm in the basement until it passed and luckily not much happened here. It did not touch down here thank God but unfortunately it did touch down not so far from here. There was a lot of damage and loss of life. The devastation is so sad and it's so scary that this exact same storm that you see here is what caused all of that. If all this is already happening in February, I am afraid to see what spring and summer hold for us. Ugh. Thank goodness for a basement!