Recovery Comes First...This is a Must

I haven't written a ton about recovery lately because I guess I want this blog to really be about me and my life. Recovery is a HUGE part of my life because without that, I wouldn't have any of these other things that I get to enjoy - my family, my hobbies, etc. This is a good time for me to remember that recovery HAS to come first. Period. As I wrote to a fellow blogger recently, when I was first told this in rehab I was all, "That is BS. My FAMILY comes first." Let's dissect that for a second. First of all, when I said that, my family had not been coming first to me for a long time. It's sad, but it's true. My first priority had been me for a long time so to say that was a cop out. Second of all, let's think this - what is my relationship like with my family without recovery? It's insane and ugly that is what. To someone who is not in recovery, saying that something comes above your kids, your family, etc. might seem like you are some bad person. Trust me, for us, it's necessary. In saying that, this is a hard thing to remember sometimes.

I think I have a tendency to blog on here about good things - because frankly, I don't want to sit here and whine about bad days and in general, I am truly a happy and gratefuly person. It amazes me sometimes how truly happy I am the majority of the time. I never thought it to be possible, but here I sit, truly happy and grateful today. But something that my sponsor reminded me of this week is that I am still new. Granted, God willing, I will pick up my 11 month chip next week and though that might seem like an eternity to some people, in the grand scheme of things, that makes me still very new to all of this. This means I am still fragile. It's easy to get caught up in things and think that you aren't as fragile as you once were. And I am not. I know I am not as fragile as I was 10 months ago or even 6 months ago. But, I am still fragile. Some examples:

Last week I had a drinking dream. I hadn't had one in a long time. Those dreams scare the holy bejeesus out of me. If you are an alcoholic/addict then you totally understand this - using dreams are the most intense REAL dreams that you will ever have. You wake up and you honestly have to come to grips with reality and think, okay, did that really just happen or am I still okay? I had one the other night and in the dream I was at a party in Chicago and just like that, I took a drink. And even in my dream my thought to myself was, "Oh no! What did I just do??? Now I have to go home and pick up a white chip and everything I have done is a waste and I have to throw all my chips away!" Then I woke up. And I was scared. I think scared in a good way though. It truly can happen that fast is what I take from those dreams.

In the beginning of sobriety I had some bad days. Now, I have not so many bad days and they certainly aren't near as bad as they were in the beginning. I truly hadn't had a bad day in a long time and then last week, BAM! I woke up and I just felt....Off. That is the only way I can describe it. I immediately in my alcoholic mind go to, "Great, what am I doing wrong?" Because you know, I need perfection. I sometimes forget that I AM human and EVERY human has "off' days alcoholic or not. But as I took a quick inventory, I realized I had been doing everything right in my recovery program. I had been to a meeting two days in a row prior to that, I had been to my Aftercare program the night before and heard a great speaker, I was doing my prayers, I was reading....everything I am told to do, I was doing. But that whole day I was so irritible. I couldn't fix it. I prayed a million times and I couldn't get over this icky feeling that I had. I thought to myself, THIS is the exact kind of afternoon a year ago I would have slid into the liquor store, bought two bottles of wine (one bottle is for amateurs...) and went home and drowned myself in them for no good reason other than I just felt "off". Instead I plugged through. I continued to do what I was told and I just suffered through that day and honestly looked very forward to bedtime that night so I could start over the next day. A sigh of relief occurred in me when that 24 hours was over. Days like that are few and far between now but they do still happen.

We are getting into our busy season with kids sports. Will is playing on a traveling soccer team this year which has a pretty intense schedule for an 8 year old in my opinion. He is also starting baseball this Sunday and he does Tae Kwon Do. Sheridan is involved in a lot of school events also. Tabi is busy with senior prom stuff, upcoming graduation, and getting ready for college. There is just a LOT going on in our house right now. Monday night I missed my regular meeting to go to Will's first soccer game. I had actually thought I would have time to do both but to make a long story short, I did not so I ended up missing the meeting. After looking at the soccer schedule for the next couple of months I had to say out loud to my husband and to tell myself and remind myself, "I can't do this. I can't be everywhere at once. I HAVE to make myself put my recovery first even if it means missing out on some things." I want to be everywhere. I want to be able to be there for everyone but this is a slippery slope for someone in recovery. I can't spread myself too thin. So now I am working on a balance with all of this and I have faith in myself that I can figure out how to be a good stepmom/sister/wife and still be able to give what I need to my recovery. That doesn't mean that I won't have bumps along the way and days where I want to scream. I know that for a fact. I'm thankful that I had the realization early on in this busy season though that I needed my program to come first...I am going to need it in these busy weeks that are to come.

I'm rambling now but I guess I just wanted to get some things off my chest. I come off sometimes as super happy all the time and like I said, for the most part I truly am. But I'm human. Some days are "off". No one does this perfectly. It's progress not perfection. All we can do is our daily reprieve and take things one day at a time.

Enjoy your weekend and stay sober! :)