Bye 36 - Bye Girl!

I am now 37.  THIRTY SEVEN.  As in 3 years from being FORTY.  When did this happen?  What in the world?  The truth is, though it seems incredibly weird to me that I am this age, I am not completely bothered by it.  My life is pretty darn good today overall.  I'm grateful that I was blessed to live another sober year on this plane.  36 was an eventful year.  I was reflecting on the things that happened in my 36th year of life and I decided that would be my next blog post.  I like having record of things.  My mom says this came from my Pappy and her.  I look at this as a positive trait :)  

So here's looking at you 36.....

Physical Changes:  You guys.  This body that I have now is NOT the body I had 10 years ago.  Or even 5 years ago.  Or even 3 years ago.  This was the year for me that often led me to the mirror saying, what in the HECK is happening here? Is this the year I finally have to learn to wear makeup?  It's either that or I am heading to the nearest dermatologist for a, ahem, procedure.  I chose makeup by the way.  Anyway, this year I suddenly had sunspots on my face.  Like not small sun spots.  (Hello 20 year old me - USE SUNSCREEN and STAY OUT OF TANNING BEDS!).  And the wrinkle between my eyebrows from the "wtf look" is increasing it's size.  The cellulite.  Oh the cellulite.  And the stretch marks and the spider veins.  Where did these spider veins come from on my legs all of the sudden???  And that metabolism that I've always bragged about?  It's on hiatus.  Or in sloth mode.  Gone are the days of eating whatever I want and staying the same size.  And the hair coloring is now happening every 7 weeks. I mean overall, I take pretty good care of myself so things aren't as bad as they could be.  But 36 came with some pretty noticeable changes for this girl.  Bless my heart.  

Awesome Events:  I was blessed to witness and be a part of so many awesome events that went down during my 36th year on this planet.  I was in the wedding of my friends Sarah and Emma and what a beautiful experience was.  Their wedding was beautiful, we had so much fun planning and spending time with Emma's family from Ireland.  It was an honor to be a part of such a beautiful event.  I got to see two of my friends have their baby boys - Myles and Wilson.  I was actually at the hospital with Hannah had Wilson and it was an unforgettable experience.  These two baby boys bring so much joy and laughter to all of us!  My friend Katie got engaged to the love of her life and now we are in the process of planning her wedding which I also have the privilege of being a part of.  And last but not least, my sister Kristen had my newest baby niece Reagan!  My parents and I flew to Florida a couple of months ago to meet her and I was IN LOVE.  I didn't want to leave her.  I don't want a baby of my own or anything, let's be real.  But other people's babies?  I want to eat them up!  I can't wait to watch her grow up alongside her sisters!  Overall, my 36th year of life was filled with these events and so many more that I'm sure I am forgetting here.  It's a blessing to be able to be grateful and see the awesome things that go on in life and focus on those instead of some of the more negative things.  What a shift in perception from 10 years ago!

Kiddos:  I can't believe I'm typing this but Sheridan graduated from high school.  Is this real life?  Wasn't she just 5 years old?  We couldn't be more proud of the accomplishments that she earned in high school.  Watching her go through this last year of school was full of fun - awards ceremonies, cheer, senior prom, planning for college, and of course some tears and stress.  We are in 12 days moving her to Lexington, KY to start her freshman year at the University of Kentucky.  It's crazy!  Will graduated 8th grade and is now gearing up for high school.  Again, what?! How is he in high school?  He's taller than I am now.  And his voice has changed.  And I'm like wait, slow down!  He is such a sweet kid and while some 14 year old boys can be a real pain in the rear, that hasn't been our experience with him and for that I am grateful.  Looking forward to seeing what this next chapter holds for them!

Pappy:   Pappy really deserves his own blog post which I plan to give him at some point.  But in my 36th year of life I lost the first of my grandparents (which I realize is very rare).  Losing Pappy was very hard on everyone in our family.  He has always been this larger than life man in my life and over the past few years as we watched Cancer take that version of him from us, it was hard to watch.  His last week of life was as good as can be expected.  He was constantly surrounded by family and taken very good care of at both the nursing home and the Hospice center where he eventually passed away. It made my heart hurt for him to go but I do believe he was suffering and I believe he is no longer.  I had SO many incredible years with him and so many memories that he will never be forgotten.  I do believe that my "dreamer" side comes from him.  Again, I could go on about him forever.  That will be another post.  He earned an entire post.

Business:   So a couple of years ago Tommy and I decided that I could go into business painting furniture.  I didn't know how it would go.  For awhile I didn't know if anything would even come from it.  I painted a few pieces here and there but no steady flow of work and not making enough money to really amount to much.  But my 36th year of life?  This has been the year of Shopdog Furniture my friends!  About a year ago I was praying to God and asking him to show me what I could do to help our family financially (two kids to put through college after all!!!).  And then this business took off.  I'm not even kidding.  This past year I have been steadily working week after week and actually making enough money to truly help out our household.  I am now booking about 2 months out on appointments.  It's so crazy!!!  But it's wonderful.  I love art and painting and making things look pretty again.  I truly enjoy what I do and I will keep doing it as long as my body and my customers allow me to do so!  

Spiritual Growth: Toward the end of my 36th year of life I started to feel a little stagnant spiritually.  I posted about this already so I won't go TOO far into detail with it all.  But at the end of my 36th year I began taking action on this.  Towards being a better version of myself in every aspect of my life.  Towards being closer to God.  Towards being a better person in recovery.  All of the things.  I'm no longer okay with being "okay" when I can take some simple actions to become BETTER.  I want to grow.  I am reading lots of books.  Listening to lots of podcasts.  Surrounding myself with women who are also wanting to better themselves and be closer to God.  Being more intentional in prayer.  More gratitude.  Trying to be more present in life.  Trying to police those actions and thoughts that I'm no longer okay having.  I feel I still have so much more left to learn and to do here so I'm taking action.  No more stagnancy for me.  No thank you.  

So that's 36 in a nutshell.  I know so much more happened but I can honestly say that every day is so good and I am so grateful for that.  I think my 30's have been my best decade so far and every year I learn more, grow more, meet more awesome people, and become more happy with who I am and who I am becoming.  What now?  Let's see what you have 37.  Let's do this!  

Tackling Spiritual Growth

I made a promise to myself when I started blogging again that I would write honestly about where I am in my life.  Those are my favorite books and blogs to read - where people are just unapologetically honest about their life.  This might be a subject that some people want to keep private and that is completely okay.  I keep a lot of my feelings about God and spirituality private and will continue to do so.  However, I feel kind of guided to write this so here we go.

I have been in recovery for a little over 7 years now.  Through a 12 step program it was suggested of me that I needed to form a relationship with a Higher Power of some sort and that it could be a Higher Power of my understanding.  That was comforting to me to know that I didn't have to have anyone's ideas shoved down my throat because lets face it.  I was still pretty closed minded when I was first sober.  I needed the permission to do this part of things my own way.  I am happy to say that I did start doing the things that were suggested of me - praying, reading a daily meditation, and building a conscious contact with my Higher Power who I choose to call God.

7 years later, I am still doing the things suggested of me to the best of my ability on a daily basis.  I now pray on my knees every morning and read a daily meditation and pray throughout the day if I need help or if I have some gratitude.  I help others and do service for those around me.  But a couple of weeks ago I started feeling like I wasn't doing enough for the spiritual side of my life.  I can't pinpoint what made me feel this way - it just happened.  I started feeling like, am I doing enough?  I am doing the same things I've been doing for years now and while it's working, I want more.  I didn't know what this meant at the time and I can't say for certain that I do now but what I can tell you is that it lit a fire under me.  I can't get stagnant in life.  It's too precious.  I need to be growing in every aspect of my life.  I hear "progress not perfection" all of the time and I asked myself, am I making progress in this area?  I found a definition of progress and it says "process of gradually improving or getting nearer to achieving or completing something."  I will never "complete" this journey, but I do want to make sure I am at least attempting to improve.

Once I realized I wanted to be growing in this area, I did the first thing I knew to do.  I prayed about it.  I asked God to help me grow in my relationship with Him and to show me the things I could be doing to make that happen.  I talked to God as if though He were my friend which is what I have been taught to do.  It's amazing once I ask for help, things happen.  I have changed some things over the past couple of weeks and I have added some things to my routine that have really started to give me what I feel has been missing.  I have started praying with more intent - making sure I am really spending time with God and working on that relationship instead of just rattling off the same string of prayers that I have been praying for years.  I am becoming more open minded to other people's views of spirituality and their relationships with God - reading and listening to things that I wouldn't have just a few short months ago.  I have added a couple of daily readings to my morning that are amazing.  I have started doing a guided meditation every afternoon - I'm up to 5 minute sessions but for me this is a miracle!  I'm listening to positive podcasts that focus on bettering yourself, building a better relationship God, and being spiritual.  My husband and I have started reading the book by Emmet Fox, "Surmon on the Mount."  A lot of these things I would have been closed minded about not so long ago.  But by opening my mind and heart and wanting a change, my soul is feeling fulfilled.

I am incredibly grateful that today I have people in my life to help me on my life journey and to give me suggestions when I get in a rut.  I didn't even really know that I was in a rut until it smacked me in the face and I felt compelled to take action!  I hope to continue to take more action and continue to grow spiritually and in my relationship with God because I know that has to come first in every aspect of my life.  I am looking forward to seeing what else in store for me and what else I can offer to others.  Life is good!

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

"Comparison is the thief of joy."  I am not saying that comparison is THE thief of joy because I suppose many things can steal your joy, however, I have always loved this quote because boy can I relate to it.  Think about your day.  How many times did you compare yourself to someone else?  Maybe you compared your body to someone else's.  Maybe you compared your success to someone else's.  Maybe you compared your kids grades with someone else's.  There are all sorts of ways that comparison squeezes its way into our lives on a daily basis.  What I have learned is that I am most likely to compare myself to others in areas where I myself struggle.  Same with friends I have talked to.  For example, I have some friends who worry about where they are professionally.  So they inevitably compare themselves with other people their age and where they are in some fabulous job because they themselves are struggling with their own circumstances.  It seems to be our culture and maybe somewhat human nature to do this.

I have struggled with this in my life on many different levels.  One thing that I will say is that in sobriety, I struggle with comparison much less than I did before.  But.  I still do it.  My main struggle, especially this time of year tends to be me comparing myself to other women and how they look.  I have always struggled with body image and this time of year rolls around and lo and behold....I forgot to start eating healthy and working out in time.  Oops.  (Can you relate?!)  I get in my head that I should have a better body.  I should be more toned.  I should be tan.  I should....and the list goes on and on.  I compare myself to people on TV.  I compare myself to girls that are 20 (which I am definitely NOT).  I compare myself to women that I know who are my age.  I compare myself to the women on Zulily for pete's sake if I think they look great in something that I wouldn't.  All that this kind of thinking does is make me crazy.  As an alcoholic once my mind gets on a subject, it just stays there like it's running in a hamster wheel until I force myself to take some action to get out of that frame of mind.  I would like to say that as soon as I start feeling the comparison song and dance come on that I immediately take action and get out of it.  That's not always the case though.  Sometimes I sit in it for awhile.  Why?  Who knows.  But I do.  I think the world of social media just makes these types of things even worse.  We only post the best parts of our life on those platforms right?  The perfect picture of our kids. The perfect picture of our home.  The perfect picture of ourselves. Sometimes I have to just stop looking honestly.  If I am in a good frame of mind, I am happy for you and all of your great things.  But if I am in a sick frame of mind, probably not so much.  I am probably forgetting that no one's life is perfect and that I need to be grateful for what I DO have.

That brings me to the action I have to remind myself to take when I start going down the comparison rabbit hole.  Gratitude.  My life today is absolutely better than I could have ever imagined.  It's not perfect.  No one's is.  But mine is pretty darn good.  I have a great marriage.  I have healthy kids.  I have a dog who I am unnaturally obsessed with.  I have sobriety.  I have a LOT to be grateful for.  When I start comparing myself, I have to instead remind myself of these wonderful things in my life. Do I always like my body?  NO.  But.  I am healthy (for the most part!).  I can walk and work out in my yard and read and write and paint....so many people can't do those things.  I GET to do those things today.  Before I became sober I had no tools to deal with these feelings and I compared myself to EVERYONE around me and it made me a crazy person.  I always wanted more.  A bigger house.  A better car.  A better purse.  Better clothes.  The thing is, I always had everything I needed and for the most part everything I wanted.  My alcoholism was telling me that I needed MORE to be okay in life.  That just isn't true.  I'm so grateful today that I no longer have to live that way.

I'm writing this as much for myself as for anyone else as gentle reminder.  Comparing ourselves to others has the potential to go one of two ways - either we will feel "better than" or we will feel "worse than".  I don't want to feel either of those things.  I want to be grateful for the life that I do have and not worry about things that others may or may not have.  If you find yourself starting the comparison game - whether it's about your looks, your job, your relationship status, whatever! - try to throw some gratitude at your thoughts instead.  It seems to be the best antidote in my opinion.  Also you aren't alone.  We have all done this at some point in our lives and that's easy to forget.  No one's life is perfect.  But I'm betting that yours is a lot better than you think it is if you stop and take a moment to practice gratitude.  Being 36 and getting to an age where I don't give a hoot is also helpful but hey, if you aren't there yet, keep going!  It gets better! 😀

Back to the Blog World

Hello all!  I haven't blogged in almost two years.  That is crazy!  I tend to go through spurts where I will write a lot then I will go through a dry spell.  All or nothing.  As are most things in my life!  I do want to start writing again.  I feel like recently I have had a lot of thoughts that I wanted to "get down on paper" and this is a form of that in 2018 right?  I have always loved writing, journaling, and anything creative so this is a great outlet for me that I want to start using more.  So if you would like to read all of the crazy thoughts in my head (okay maybe only like 30% of the thoughts in my head because lets be real.  You don't need to know everything!) and read about what is going on with our family, then please do!  I know I can count on my mom, Erin, and maybe Kim to read this regularly so enjoy ladies!  HA!

I want to not only write about what is going on in our family (because we have a lot of great things that go on!), but I want to write about some things that I feel guided to write about.  I want to continue to blog about sobriety.  Reading sobriety blogs has always been and continues to be so therapeutic to me and I love when they can also make me laugh.  So sobriety and the things that go along with it - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I want to write about friendships.  I want to write about where I am in my life physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I want to write about books I am reading and podcasts I am listening to.  I want to write about my family and how awesome they are.  I want to try to do this once a week - we will see how that goes but that is my goal!

So if you want to go on this journey with me, stay tuned for updates!!!!