Yeah, about that whole "recovering alcoholic" thing...

So I decided to go ahead and put "recovering alcoholic" in the "About Me" section on this blog. I questioned it but it is such a huge part of my life now that I can't really blog about my life and leave that part out. I started to wonder, what is the big deal if people know I am a recovering alcoholic? I am proud of the work I have done on myself and the changes I have made in my life and I have no reason to hide it really. I understand that some people do like to keep it to themselves and that is okay. I get it. But for me, I'm throwing it out there. So there it is.

And just how did this all come about? For the past few years most people knew I liked to drink. I was kind of known for that. Everyone knew I loved wine, everyone knew I was always up for going out and having a good time, and if you had questions about wine or liquor, come to me. I've got the answers. I'm not saying that I didn't have some fun times - I did. But what most people didn't see was that my life was spiraling out of control in every aspect. I was not the same person anymore. I was becoming a selfish person who didn't care about consequences, who didn't care about hurting those I love, and didn't care how I looked to other people. It was a nasty spiral.

I'm not about to sit here and tell my whole story yet. I'm nowhere near a point in my sobriety to do so. But a few things I will say just to get them out there. Knowing that alcoholism is a disease is huge to me. It's somewhat comforting to know that I didn't do anything to cause this problem. I have it inside of me, my brain is actually different than a non-addict/alcoholic's brain. Seeing that demonstrated by a doctor who knows his stuff was pretty amazing. I was doomed from the start with my family history and there really was not much I could have done to prevent it from wreaking havoc on me. Knowing what I know now about alcoholism, I look back at my childhood and teen years and know that I had all of the symptoms of a future alcoholic/addict. More on that in a later post. Knowing that alcoholism does not discriminate is a biggie I think. I sit in meetings with doctors, lawyers, surgeons, teachers, coaches, restaurant workers, men, women, young, old, every ethnicity, etc. Anyone can have this. The damn disease will eat you alive no matter what kind of purse you carry or what kind of car you drive. I'm proof of this. Knowing that there are others out there like me has been a great thing. I'm NOT alone in this.

So what happened? Someone smacked me upside the head is what happened. Not literally of course (though it should have happened probably at times). Between my mom and my husband I think I finally was pushed to the brink of a nervous breakdown. I was out of control and they kept pointing it out and as any good alcoholic/addict I was in denial and made excuses for every damn thing I did. After a lot of tears, arguing, hurting everyone around me, I surrendered to the fact that I did have a problem. Something was wrong. Was I willing to admit that I was a bad alcoholic? Eh, not at that point probably but I knew something had to give. Tommy said I could go away to rehab somewhere to get better. This was crucial to me - the going away part. I could not get better here. I had to be away from everything. Some people don't have to, but I did.

May 2nd I was admitted to Cumberland Heights in Nashville, TN for their inpatient 30 day program. Was I scared? Yes. Was I angry? Yes. Was I grateful? Yes. I was about 50 emotions all wrapped up into one scared 29 year old woman. I'll detail more of the rehab experience later but that 30 days changed my life in every way possible. I can never repay everyone there for what they did for me. I made some amazing new friends, had the best counselors, doctors, speakers, etc. that anyone could ask for. That place saved my life. My husband allowing me to go there saved my life. I am eternally grateful. I came home a completely different woman. I was still me in the good ways, but had a totally different outlook on life.

I've been home almost 3 months now and things are better than I could have ever asked for. I have a wonderful sponsor who I speak with a few times a week, I am working the steps of a great program, I go to at the very least 3 meetings a week, I did IOP at home for 6 weeks after returning from Nashville and now am in Aftercare once a week. I also changed my phone number, deleted a myriad of people from Facebook, and dropped a lot of "friends" that I had been hanging out with before. My life is amazing now. It's simple. I have to work hard every day for the amazing part, I won't lie. But I am happier now than I've ever been before. I pick up my 4 month chip on Friday.

So for anyone reading this who knew me as the drinker, don't worry. I'm still fun to be around, I just won't be throwing back the drinks with you anymore. I had one of my closest friends say to me, "I feel so bad about mentioning drinks on your birthday now! I had no idea!" Don't feel bad. This is the first time I'm throwing it out there. Very few people knew about all of this. I wasn't ready to throw it out there until now. So please don't feel bad about anything you have said or done. I'm completely comfortable with my new life (except on the days when I'm not - HA!) so you should be too.

I think that's it for now. I could go on about this subject for hours but I'll save it for later posts. I just needed to get this out there so some of the things I will write about make more sense. Thanks for listening!