Rebooting

No, I'm not rebooting my computer or my cable box (which is annoying to have to do by the way!), but I realized this week I need to "reboot" some things in my life.  I mentioned that I was kind of in a funk this past weekend and I'm happy to say that I made myself snap right out of that on Monday.  New week, sunny day, and time to get off the pity pot as my sponsor would say.  :)

Monday night I went to my home group meeting and as always I felt better after I left there.  Yesterday I went to an awesome meeting at noon and heard so many things that I needed to hear.  Isn't it amazing how that tends to happen?  Turns out that a LOT of people are in this kind of "funk" right now.  Maybe it's the weather.  Maybe it's the holidays.  Maybe we are just alcoholics and addicts?  HA  Either way, it was great to go and hear that others were going through this and I was able to hear their solutions to this.  I especially love hearing from people who have longterm sobriety discuss going through a slump and their solutions.  It's good to hear that I'm "normal" for an alcoholic and that this too shall pass.  It's also really cool that I can recognize today when I am in this type of funk and that I do NOT like wallowing in that place for long.  Don't get me wrong, I let myself wallow sometimes longer than I should but I'm able to say today that that is an icky place to be.  I prefer being on the happy side of sober. 

Tonight I met with a sponsee at Starbucks (I swear it's the unofficial meeting spot for alcoholics...HA) and it was good to get out of my own head for a little bit.  That is one of the greatest joys of sponsoring women and I am blessed to have great sponsees in my life who I learn from all of the time.  I went to a women's meeting tonight and it was awesome and again, I heard what I needed to hear and felt great when I left there. 

As far as the "reboot" I'm referring to, I kind of realized that I've been slipping in my recovery program.  Not huge slips - just not doing as much as I used to or as much as I need to.  For the past couple of weeks I haven't been hitting as many meetings as I normally do.  I haven't been reading as much as I normally do.  Just little things but they can become big things fast for those of us who need a consistent program and daily reprieve.  So I'm kind of rebooting my program - time to get back in the frame of mind I was in when I was newer in the program.  I have to remember that my recovery program comes before anything else in my life.  I have heard whatever you put ahead of your recovery you are sure to lose eventually and I believe that.  Especially with the holidays coming up I need to really make sure that I have a good action plan for working the program that I know I need to.

I think I'm rambling now but in addition to that I've started thinking about my physical health as well.  I used to workout all the time and eat super healthy.  That is something that I can become obsessive with so I have to watch it but I think I'm ready to start the new year off getting slowly back into that way of life.  I know that I feel SO much better when I eat healthy and exercise regularly.  Here's to hoping I can make myself do it when the time comes! 

Hope everyone is having a great week - 19 days until Christmas....eeek!

It's Been Awhile....

It's been a really long time since I have blogged.  I seem to go in spurts like that with everything that I do.  I'll blog a lot....then I won't blog at all.  I'll sew a lot....then I won't sew at all.  I'll do a ton of puzzles...then none for a year.  I was talking to my sponsor about this and she just kind of laughed.  We alcoholics tend to have this "all or nothing" mentality and I think that I must carry that over into all parts of my life including hobbies.  I definitely keep busy with hobbies but it's like I have hobby ADD or something.  HA 

For a quick catch up, life is good here.  Today I celebrate 19 months of sobriety and for that I am truly grateful.  Sheridan is busy with cheerleading, Will is busy just being Will, and Tabi is about to finish her first semester of college and is doing really well.  I couldn't be more proud of them all!  Rocko is enjoying laying around being Rocko.  I think he makes the Christmas tree look even better don't you? 

My recovery journey continues day by day and I have to admit, it's not always super easy.  If it was easy, everyone would do it right?  I don't want to drink.  But the emotional sobriety isn't always the easiest thing in the world to keep on track. It isn't always easy to not get involved in other people's problems, especially if it's family you are dealing with.  Even while working what I consider to be a pretty good program I still have days where I just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head and not talk to anyone at all.  I have days where everything around me is frustrating and makes me irritible.  These days are very few and far between thank goodness.  I'm having one of those days today and it's for no reason at all.  Maybe it's the gray and gloomy wet weather?  I'm not sure.  I'm thankful today though that I don't have to drink over a bad day and that I have tools to use to not kill anyone around me.  :) 

In my last post I talked about going off of my Lexapro.  That didn't last very long.  I wanted to try to go off of it but it just didn't work for me and that's okay.  When I was off of it I was turning into a person that I didn't like.  I got to the point where I felt like I was crawling out of my own skin and was irritated by everything around me.  I was turning back into the "old April" very slowly but I could feel it creeping in.  I was just not being a nice person and that isn't me anymore.  I decided to talk to my psychiatrist about going back on the Lexapro and when I told her how I was feeling she was like, "Why would you NOT go back on it???"  Good point.  So I went back on it and was fine again within a week or two.  Some people think it's not a good thing to take those kinds of meds, but if you need them, you need them.  Some people even in recovery still need extra help and I'm okay with that. 

We are gearing up for the holidays around here.  The kids and I decorated our trees last weekend and as always it was a great time.  We put up our big family tree and it is filled with ornaments that all have meaning to me.  Each year everyone gets a new ornament to hang on the tree and that is a great tradition that the kids look forward to.  In the dining room Sheridan and I put up our candy theme tree.  I always wanted one of those and now I have one.  It's beautiful!  In the breakfast room we have our University of Kentucky blue and white tree with UK ornaments on it.  Go Cats!  The kids all have small trees in their bedrooms and we have another one in the basement.  To say I go a little crazy at Christmas is possibly an understatement.  :)  Next week I will start my Christmas baking and I enjoy that SO much.  I give so many baked goods as gifts at this time of the year and I truly love doing that. 

I hope everyone has a great holiday season!  Now it's time for me to go catch up on all of the blogs that I used to read!  :)

Lexapro withdrawal symptoms make you feel amazing and wonderful! - said NO ONE EVER

Hey all!  I haven't written in so long because....well...hm.  Have you ever seen those funny signs that say, "I have so much to do...I think I'll just take a nap"?  That has been me lately.  We've had several things going on - some good, some not so good but we've been super busy.  I have so many things I want to write about both recovery related and just life stuff.  Hopefully this week I can get around to some of that.  But today, let's talk about the title of this post.

Lexapro withdrawal symptoms make you feel amazing and wonderful!" - said NO ONE EVER.

(This is NOT me, but this is TOTALLY how I felt today. I feel for this girl.  HA)

I need to write about this for a couple of reasons.  One, I just need to whine, okay?  I rarely do that anymore so I need to sometimes.  Today is that day.  HA!  Two, I know a lot of people go through this and it's been helpful to me reading what others have gone through.  So let's talk about this wonderful thing I'm going through right now.

A couple of years ago, I started seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist as many people do when they later find out that addiction/alcoholism is their problem.  That of COURSE was not MY problem.  No sirree.  Not me.  I'm not THAT girl.  Riiiiight.  Anyway, so I was having a lot of anxiety and depression so my psychiatrist put me on Lexapro.  I was willing to try anything at that point (or so I told myself...stopping drinking might have helped, no?) so I started taking 10mg of Lexapro and went on my merry way.  Now, they tell you not to drink with a drug like this.  Yeah.  I really listened to that one.  Not so much.  I just kept on drinking like it was my job on top of taking the Lexapro so who really knows what it was or wasn't doing for me during that time. 

When I was very heavy in my drinking towards the end I quit taking my Lexapro.  I also quit taking my Synthroid, Allegra, everything else I should have been taking.  I just quit taking care of myself period.  So I stopped the Lexapro cold turkey but didn't notice any withdrawal symptoms.  Well, DUH.  I was drunk all of the time.  Of course I wouldn't have noticed the withdrawal symptoms.  I know that now.  At the time I was just like, okay, whatever, no more pills! 

When I went to rehab I got back on my 10mg of Lexapro and probably honestly needed it at the time.  That was the best thing I have ever done but it was also scary and I had tons of emotions and had to actually FEEL them and PROCESS them without a mind altering substance like alcohol.  Talk about frightening.  That was in May of 2011.  I've been taking 10mg since then and have been fine with it. 

Now, I know a lot of people when they get sober they decide to try going off their anti depressants.  I really wanted to do that because I don't want to be taking anything that isn't necessary.  My sponsor and psychiatrist and I agreed that once I had been sober for a year then we could revisit going off of the Lexapro.  2 weeks ago I decided that I wanted to try it.  I'm sitting at almost 16 months sober and most days I work a pretty good program and feel pretty happy.  I rarely am agitated, irritable, anxious, etc.  I do have those days of course but they are nothing like I used to experience.  So I thought, why  not?  Now seems like a good time.  So I talked to my psychiatrist and she set me up on a schedule to ween off of the medicine in a pretty soft manner.  I was to do 10-5-10-5 every other day for a week then do 5-0-5-0 until the next week when I would go off completely.  I weened off and felt fine.  I truly thought, huh.  All these people talking about Lexapro withdrawals on the Internet are being dramatic and that obviously isn't going to happen to me.  That is what I get for thinking that.  WRONG.

About 3 days after going completely off of the Lexapro I started getting what is commonly referred to as "brain zaps."  These are fairly common when going off of SSRI's according to everything I've read.  It wasn't horrible.  I definitely could tell something weird was going on but it wasn't to where I couldn't function.  My mood wasn't affected, no headaches, no nausea, none of the other stuff I had read about.  Again I became smug.  BAD IDEA. 

Today which is a week after stopping the Lexapro I feel awful.  I woke up fine but as the morning went on my body began to really hate me.  I was out running errands and I was driving.  I began to feel really nauseated and dizzy and almost like I was carsick.  I get really carsick anyway so I hate that feeling.  I stopped off and got a Sprite to drink thinking I could calm it down.  Didn't happen.  I was just trying to get home as fast as I could at that point.  I was praying that I didn't vomit in the car while I was driving.  I thankfully had a trusty McDonald's bag there just in case.  HA  I have never felt carsick while driving but that is exactly how it felt.  I was miserable.  I got home and just crashed on the couch.  I never threw up but felt like it for quite some time.  I found that if I just stayed very still then I was okay.  But when I would move at all the dizziness came flying back.  This must be what Vertigo feels like.  It is NOT fun. 

That is pretty much how I have spent my day.  It has really been off and on.  I'll be fine for a bit then the dizziness and nausea will come back.  Along with being super tired and having hot flashes.  Yeah, fun.  My psychiatrist said if I wanted I could go back to taking 5mg and try to taper again but honestly I just want to be done with the Lexapro once and for all and if I start taking any dose of it again, then I'll have to go through this all again and I certainly do not want that.  I've read people say that it can take a month for this to go away.  I have to say, I may not be able to take this for a week much less a month.  So we will see what I end up doing.

Thanks for letting me whine.  I mean I did this to myself, deciding to go off of the pills so I don't expect much sympathy but thanks for reading anyway.  I'll get back to happier topics later this week hopefully because I have a TON of good going on right now to focus on.  Don't think my gratitude is gone - it's just taking a backseat for a minute today!  I won't sit in the pity pot for long though as my sponsor would call it.  :)

Drinking and Driving

Hey all!  I haven't blogged in a long time - summer is so busy for us!  I've had something on my mind a lot lately though so I want to get it "on paper" so to speak. 

When I was a little girl, my dad was a bad alcoholic/addict.  I can recall many arguments between my mother and father regarding who would drive after dad had drank too much.  I think dad always thought he was fine and could do it.  I hated long car rides because I knew there would be arguing about this subject.  I didn't know what was going on at the time but now I know.  I am sure he drove us around like that countless times.  Thank God we didn't die or kill someone else.

In high school I joined SADD (Students Against Drunk Driving) because I vowed I would NEVER drive drunk.  Why would someone do such a thing???  My junior year of high school on New Year's Day we received a phone call that two of my guy friends had been killed in a car accident the night before.  They were seniors in high school halfway through their senior year with bright futures ahead of them.  They left behind parents who didn't know how to go on without them, friends who became lost without them, and they left behind a message to everyone - don't drive drunk.  It was found that they had been drinking when they wrecked.  It was devastating in high school to go through this.  If I thought I would never drive drunk before that, I sure as heck knew at that point I never would.  I had friends who died because of it!  And in high school, I never did.  In fact, I only drank a couple of times in high school and didn't drive any of those times.  I would have been way too scared to do so.

In college and in my early 20's I began really drinking a lot and going out a lot.  At some point I just decided that getting behind the wheel of the car after a long night of drinking was better than waiting on a cab or having to go pick up my car the next day.  I can't tell you how many times my friends and I left bars or parties after drinking entirely too much.  We could barely walk straight some nights, much less drive across town but that is exactly what we did.  I should have been arrested.  I should have died or killed someone on those nights.  But once again, thank God I didn't get what I deserved.  The more I did it, the more it became easy to do.  It became part of the routine in fact.  I used cabs a couple of times but not nearly enough.

Also in my early 20's I woke up one morning very early to a phone call from one of my closest friends at the time.  She was crying.  She was calling to me that our other very close friend's husband had been killed in a car accident that morning on the way to work.  He was on his way to work and was hit head on by a truck going the wrong way on a 4 lane highway.  This was the hardest thing I have ever been through with a friend.  Going to help plan a funeral, going to visit a friend the night of hearing this news, and watching her try to pick up the pieces afterwards was devastating.  And....the person who hit her husband was drunk.  And he was not injured at all.  He had left a local bar after drinking all night.  I went with her to court where he was sentenced but in our eyes he wasn't going to be behind bars for long enough.  I was very angry at this man at the time.  How could someone do this?  Yet, I did it all the time.  That could have been me.  My disease was eating my so much that I didn't see that I was doing the same thing and had just been lucky so far.

Two weeks ago, my 18 year old sister received a call that one of her 20 year old friends had been hit head on by a vehicle while driving home that night.  And....the driver of the vehicle that killed her was drunk.  They lived.  She did not.  20 years old with a lot of life left to live and she died because of someone else's selfish actions. 

Last week I was looking at the news and heard that there had been a wreck in our town where a teenage drunk driver had hit someone and though the injuries were not life threatening the other driver had been hurt.  I prayed for all involved and went on.  The next day as I looked online at the news I saw the mugshot of the driver who had been drunk.  I was floored.  It was a friend of mine who did outpatient treatment with me last year.  She just looked so incredibly sad in that picture.  She had been doing so well in her recovery and relapsed a few months ago.  That is where this disease took her - to getting behind the wheel of a car with a BAL 3 times the legal limit.  19 years old and such a beautiful young woman with so much to offer.  This disease has stolen so much from her, including now her freedom.  She is now sitting in jail.  Her mother is inconsolable.  This has rocked our recovery community, especially those of us who were close to her.  It shook me to the core.  I am glad she was caught - this means she is no longer harming herself or others.  However, I am saddened that she is still so sick and caught up in this awful addiction.  All we can do at this point is pray that this is the desperation that she needed to get back into a recovery program and pray for those affected by this accident.  She goes to court tomorrow morning to learn her fate.  So young.

I have a completely different view of all of this now that I am sober.  I have been on many sides of being affected by drunk driving - doing it myself, losing friends who were doing it, seeing friends do it and injure others, etc.  I used to be very angry at people who did this which was very hypocritical considering I was doing it myself.  However, now, I just pray that these people get the help that they need.  Anyone who is driving around like that likely has a problem and needs help.  They don't need people beating up on them and putting them down.  I'm certainly not justifying their actions - it is very selfish to get behind the wheel of a car like that.  This disease makes us selfish.  It's probably hard for some people to see this side of things but I now have a love and tolerance for people that I never had before.  I am thankful for that.  And I am thankful that I never got what I deserved. 

Please don't drink and drive.  Give up your keys.  Have someone pick you up.  Call a cab.  It's not worth losing your life, your freedom, or someone else's life over.  I made that mistake entirely too many times myself.  If you can't walk straight, chances are, you shouldn't be driving!!!

Celebrating ONE year!!!

I'll definitely write more when I have time but just wanted to say, happy anniversay to me!  Celebrating one year of sobriety today.  Life is good!

Day 360

So today is day 360.  I know this because of  my handy dandy recovery app on my phone.  I can't believe that next Wednesday (God willing) will be my one year anniversary of sobriety.  I was talking with my sponsor today and she hit the nail on the head - in some ways it feels like forever ago and in some ways it feels like it was just yesterday.  I look back on the girl that I was last year at this time and I don't even know who that person is.  It's not the person I am today, that is for sure.  Life is just so good now.  That doesn't mean I don't have bad days.  That doesn't mean that some of my ugly little character defects don't like to show up sometimes.  I can still get to where I beat myself over little things sometimes (Like losing an important piece of mail and having to request another...), I can still get to where I want to wallow in a bad day, and I can still get to where I feel like what I'm doing isn't good enough if it's not perfect.  But today I can recognize these things and snap out of them quickly.  I have tools today to deal with these things other than drinking and partying.  That is a beautiful thing. 

Last night I was able to see a good friend decide to surrender and start living a new way of life.  I was so proud of her because just recently she wasn't sure if she was an alcoholic or not and she was now finally ready to admit it.  I also was able to see someone who I met last year at this time celebrate her two year anniversary of sobriety.  It never gets old seeing someone celebrate an anniversary or decide to change their life.  Having these strong women in my life helps me get through every day and so many of the women I have met over the past year have inspired me in ways that they probably have no idea about.  Who knew that there women just like me?  Wasn't I unique???  HA

Last year at this time I was 5 days from going to rehab....without even knowing it at the time.  I didnt know I was going until 24 hours before I went.  I think it was better that way.  I couldn't talk myself out of it or make excuses as to why I didn't need it.  Because I was really good at excuses and manipulation and denial at that point.  I like to think I'm a completely different person than I was then and I think the people around me would agree that I am.  Emotional and spiritual sobriety are wonderful things, that is for sure. 

I'm rambling now and I could sit here and go on all day about how thankful I am for the life I'm living but I'll spare you that torture :)  I still have a long way to go in this program and I hope to continue to learn for the rest of my life.  I will be giving my lead for the second time next Monday night at my home group.  I feel like it will be much less scary than doing it at a podium at the treatment center in front of that huge group!  Then a week from this Sunday I get to celebrate one year!  Woo hoo! 

Hope everyone is doing well an enjoying spring as much as I am this year!  :)

Cumberland Heights Annual Women's Luncheon

As most of you know, last May I was fortunate enough to go to treatment for my alcoholism at Cumberland Heights in Nashville, TN. I absolutely LOVE going down there to visit the treatment center and to see some of the great friends that I made while in treatment. Every Spring Cumberland Heights hosts a women's luncheon with all proceeds going towards the women's program at the treatment center. This year the speaker was Joani Gammill so I was really excited to be able to go. I read her book "The Interventionist" and it was AWESOME. If you watch Dr. Phil at all, she is on there quite a bit doing interventions for addicts/alcoholics to help them get to treatment. Her own story as a recovering addict is amazing as well and her book chronicles her story as well as her work as an interventionist. It is SO good. I highly recommend reading it.

Anyway, so yesterday I drove down to Nashville (about 2.5 hours from me) and met up with my awesome friend Alison who I was in treatment with last year. We met at - where else - Starbucks and had coffee and chatted a bit before heading to the event. The luncheon was held at Hillwood Country Club in Nashville. We mingled, lunched, then listened to Joani speak. Of course she had her little dog Lucy with her. Lucy goes everywhere with her and is actually certified as a service dog as she helps her in the interventions. Awesome right? I really enjoyed her speaking and felt fortunate to be there. Last year at this time I can tell you that I would not have been excited to be going to a treatment center charity event. I was most likely extremely drunk last year at this time. If I wasn't drunk I was thinking about the next time I was going to be drunk. What a difference 11 months makes!

After the event we were all given a copy of her book for attending. She graciously sat in the lobby and signed everyone's books which was really neat. Lucy just sat up on the table as she signed. Here I am getting my book signed - see Lucy? HA Joani seems like a really cool person and definitely a strong one. I'm not sure that I could do her job.

After the event Alison and I did a little shopping then went to have dessert at a cute little cafe in Nashville. Such an awesome day and I am so grateful to be able to do such things with my time. I'm already looking forward to the next time I can go visit!

Recovery Comes First...This is a Must

I haven't written a ton about recovery lately because I guess I want this blog to really be about me and my life. Recovery is a HUGE part of my life because without that, I wouldn't have any of these other things that I get to enjoy - my family, my hobbies, etc. This is a good time for me to remember that recovery HAS to come first. Period. As I wrote to a fellow blogger recently, when I was first told this in rehab I was all, "That is BS. My FAMILY comes first." Let's dissect that for a second. First of all, when I said that, my family had not been coming first to me for a long time. It's sad, but it's true. My first priority had been me for a long time so to say that was a cop out. Second of all, let's think this - what is my relationship like with my family without recovery? It's insane and ugly that is what. To someone who is not in recovery, saying that something comes above your kids, your family, etc. might seem like you are some bad person. Trust me, for us, it's necessary. In saying that, this is a hard thing to remember sometimes.

I think I have a tendency to blog on here about good things - because frankly, I don't want to sit here and whine about bad days and in general, I am truly a happy and gratefuly person. It amazes me sometimes how truly happy I am the majority of the time. I never thought it to be possible, but here I sit, truly happy and grateful today. But something that my sponsor reminded me of this week is that I am still new. Granted, God willing, I will pick up my 11 month chip next week and though that might seem like an eternity to some people, in the grand scheme of things, that makes me still very new to all of this. This means I am still fragile. It's easy to get caught up in things and think that you aren't as fragile as you once were. And I am not. I know I am not as fragile as I was 10 months ago or even 6 months ago. But, I am still fragile. Some examples:

Last week I had a drinking dream. I hadn't had one in a long time. Those dreams scare the holy bejeesus out of me. If you are an alcoholic/addict then you totally understand this - using dreams are the most intense REAL dreams that you will ever have. You wake up and you honestly have to come to grips with reality and think, okay, did that really just happen or am I still okay? I had one the other night and in the dream I was at a party in Chicago and just like that, I took a drink. And even in my dream my thought to myself was, "Oh no! What did I just do??? Now I have to go home and pick up a white chip and everything I have done is a waste and I have to throw all my chips away!" Then I woke up. And I was scared. I think scared in a good way though. It truly can happen that fast is what I take from those dreams.

In the beginning of sobriety I had some bad days. Now, I have not so many bad days and they certainly aren't near as bad as they were in the beginning. I truly hadn't had a bad day in a long time and then last week, BAM! I woke up and I just felt....Off. That is the only way I can describe it. I immediately in my alcoholic mind go to, "Great, what am I doing wrong?" Because you know, I need perfection. I sometimes forget that I AM human and EVERY human has "off' days alcoholic or not. But as I took a quick inventory, I realized I had been doing everything right in my recovery program. I had been to a meeting two days in a row prior to that, I had been to my Aftercare program the night before and heard a great speaker, I was doing my prayers, I was reading....everything I am told to do, I was doing. But that whole day I was so irritible. I couldn't fix it. I prayed a million times and I couldn't get over this icky feeling that I had. I thought to myself, THIS is the exact kind of afternoon a year ago I would have slid into the liquor store, bought two bottles of wine (one bottle is for amateurs...) and went home and drowned myself in them for no good reason other than I just felt "off". Instead I plugged through. I continued to do what I was told and I just suffered through that day and honestly looked very forward to bedtime that night so I could start over the next day. A sigh of relief occurred in me when that 24 hours was over. Days like that are few and far between now but they do still happen.

We are getting into our busy season with kids sports. Will is playing on a traveling soccer team this year which has a pretty intense schedule for an 8 year old in my opinion. He is also starting baseball this Sunday and he does Tae Kwon Do. Sheridan is involved in a lot of school events also. Tabi is busy with senior prom stuff, upcoming graduation, and getting ready for college. There is just a LOT going on in our house right now. Monday night I missed my regular meeting to go to Will's first soccer game. I had actually thought I would have time to do both but to make a long story short, I did not so I ended up missing the meeting. After looking at the soccer schedule for the next couple of months I had to say out loud to my husband and to tell myself and remind myself, "I can't do this. I can't be everywhere at once. I HAVE to make myself put my recovery first even if it means missing out on some things." I want to be everywhere. I want to be able to be there for everyone but this is a slippery slope for someone in recovery. I can't spread myself too thin. So now I am working on a balance with all of this and I have faith in myself that I can figure out how to be a good stepmom/sister/wife and still be able to give what I need to my recovery. That doesn't mean that I won't have bumps along the way and days where I want to scream. I know that for a fact. I'm thankful that I had the realization early on in this busy season though that I needed my program to come first...I am going to need it in these busy weeks that are to come.

I'm rambling now but I guess I just wanted to get some things off my chest. I come off sometimes as super happy all the time and like I said, for the most part I truly am. But I'm human. Some days are "off". No one does this perfectly. It's progress not perfection. All we can do is our daily reprieve and take things one day at a time.

Enjoy your weekend and stay sober! :)

Things Only an Alcoholic Notices....

It's funny how once we become sober we start realizing a lot of things that we never noticed before. For instance, for those who are sober alcoholics...did you ever notice all of the many commercials and billboards for alcohol before? I certainly didn't but I do now. It doesn't make me want it, but I notice them. I think we notice everything alcohol related now so much more than we once did and so much more than those "normal" people do.

Last night my hubby and I had a date night. We went to a new Japanese restaurant in town which is pretty yummy. Hubby has been to Japan 40+ times for work so he enjoys these restaurants every now and again. We sat down to the hibachi grill which of course means you are sitting with about 10 other people at your "table". Last night we were seated with about 8 ladies who appeared to be having a big ladies night out. Before the meal came 3 of them ordered wine. 2 whites and one red. The fact that I can tell you how many ordered wine and what they ordered tells you something. Hubby of course asked if it bothered me and it didn't at all. I notice it, but it doesn't bother me one bit. I have no desire to drink...it's not worth it to me. So we all had our soup course then our salad course then the hibachi guy (do they really have a name? Hibachi cook? I don't know...) came out and cooked our enourmous meals. YUM I would say an hour and a half passed until we were all finished with our meals. But you know what I noticed? These three ladies STILL HAD WINE IN THEIR GLASSES. Like from the first glass of wine that they had ordered before any courses were served. Only an alcoholic thinks that and laughs about it. I told hubby, "Holy crap. They STILL have wine in their FIRST glasses that they ordered at the beginning of the night." Here is how that would have went for me. First of all, I would have had at least half a bottle of wine before I even left the house. At LEAST half a bottle. Logic? Wine is cheaper at home so go ahead and get a buzz before you go to dinner. AND you are drinking on an empty stomach so the buzz comes quicker. Sane logic right? Second, when I got to the restaurant I would have instantly ordered wine. And I would have made sure it was a wine with a high alcohol content. None of this 7% BS for me if I'm paying that much for wine. I would have probably sucked down 2 before the first course even came. Probably another 2 during dinner and maybe one after. Third, I probably wouldn't have eaten as much as I did because I wouldn't want to ruin my buzz with a heavy meal. That is a whole lot of thinking that used to go into one dinner out for me huh? Now I get to go, enjoy my food, save a shit ton of money, not end up arguing with my hubby because by that point I would want to "go out", and not feel like crap the next morning. What a concept right???

So, if you are a alcoholic, this all makes perfect sense to you. If you are not, then well, yes, we truly are insane if you are asking yourself right now, "Are these alcoholic people insane???". Yes. Yes we are. I can tell you that I much prefer my dinner dates out now MUCH more than the old dates. After dinner we went to our meetings that a bunch of our couple friends go to then we went out for dessert with them afterwards. A fantastic night with no drama, no alcohol, and no arguing. I love this life!

My keyboard has dust on it!

Wow! I can't believe how long it has been since I "wrote" on this blog. My mom in fact was all, "Is everything okay? You haven't blogged in awhile...." I guess I should mention that last year when I was going off the deep end I had another blog and stopped blogging cold turkey. That was a "sign" to my mother that things were a little off with me. HA I suppose a mother will always worry huh? But don't worry, everything is better than fine, I have just been doing other things. I think I kind of have ADHD with things I'm interested in. I'll be all gung ho about reading...then a month later I'll be gung ho about doing puzzles....then a month later I'll be gung ho about blogging....I think consistency is perhaps something I need to work on. Hmmm....

So things are going well in our house. Basketball is now over for Will and his team went undefeated this year up until the semi-finals of the tournament. We were so proud of him!

Sheridan is still my little bookworm and at 12 years old (I can't believe I'm typing that) she is growing up on us. This weekend I said all I could hear coming from her room was the sounds of loud music (albeit Taylor Swift...HA) and her talking on the phone to her friends rehashing the slumber party from the night before. Where does time go?? And my sister Tabi is almost all finished applying to colleges and getting ready for her final prom and graduation - crazy! We also recently celebrated her 18th birthday. She is an adult now! Which means if she does something stupid now she can go to jail and I can let her sit there....HAHA Just kidding Tab...well, kind of. ;)

Another exciting thing that happened is that my best friend of 25 years had a baby last weekend! They had their struggled with the journey so I couldn't be happier for two people than I am for her and her hubby. So I became an "aunt" again last weekend to little Lincoln Allen and I can't wait to go visit them on Wednesday!

Things are going really well in my sobriety journey. I could probably type for hours about this but I'll save some of it for other posts. I feel like I am getting more involved in my recovery community which is a wonderful thing on a lot of levels. I'm starting to reach out more to others, I'm leading meetings, I'm giving rides to people when needed, and get this - I have been asked to give my lead next month! AH! (For those not in recovery, giving a "lead" basically means telling your story during a meeting. It's about 45 minutes talking about your journey). I'll be giving mine at the treatment center where I did outpatient treatment and I'm looking forward to it. It's a pretty big meeting but I know I'll have some people there who I am friends with so that will be helpful. I'm trying to not worry about it too much but holy cow. I feel honored to be asked to do that and I hope something I say will help someone who is listening as I know it did me and still does.

I'll leave it all at that right now but I have some things coming up this week. I have some good recipes I want to post as well as my new recipe organizing system which I'm pretty proud of. :) Also, you will notice on my sidebar my books on "goodreads." If you like to read, I suggest you check out www.goodreads.com. It's pretty fabulous - you can go through books and mark them as read, to read, rate books, look at others books, etc. It's a great way to keep track if you are a bookworm like me. :)

Bye for now!

Making Amends....to the dog?

Hey all! It's been awhile since I blogged! I think I go through spurts where I feel like writing and then I go in spurts where I don't. I've had a cold that has dragged me down and made me in somewhat of a "blah" mood so I'm sure that has something to do with it. On days like that I'm sure I would just depress everyone who read this. HA

So in my recovery news everything is pretty status quo. I'm going to meetings, doing my step work, and starting to try to take a more active role in our recovery community. My sponsor told me that it's time I pick a home group so I think I've figured that out. I belong to a great group of women in recovery and they have all been a great help on this journey of mine and I'm so grateful to them every single day. That will become my home group so basically I will do more service work, etc. for that group. It's a good way to be kept accountable. We also started this past weekend doing a Big Book study in which we are literally going through the Big Book page by page. I'm loving this group so far and look forward to going again next Sunday!

As for step work I am to the dreaded Step 9 - making amends. Now, I've definitely said I'm sorry more times over the past 9 months than I ever have in my life - and MEANT it when I said it. But making amends it a lot more than that. It's not only saying "I'm sorry" but it's saying "I was wrong" which is a big thing. Most people are tired of hearing "I'm sorry." Starting with "I was wrong" is a whole different meaning. To then go into everything you did that was wrong to these people and tell them your part in it ("I was selfish when I did "x"", etc.) is a really huge deal. I have to say this one is a little scary for me. Maybe it shouldn't be and I think some will be easier than others but damn. It will be very humbling for sure which is part of the point of this step. I know that I will feel some freedom once I do these amends so in a way I am looking forward to them. I joked with my sponsor, "Can I start with the dog? I feel he will be a good listener. And really, what can he say back that is bad? I owe him some apologies!" HAHA So, Rocko, you will be the first of a long list of amends that need to be made. Prepare yourself.

One of my friends that I met at rehab is coming tomorrow to stay for a couple of days - I am beyond excited!!! It's amazing the friends that you can make while in rehab. I went in thinking, "Oh I do NOT get along with women. THis is going to be horrible!," to coming out with some amazing friendships. You kind of go to hell and back with these women in a way. Unfortunately I have to say that most of the girls I was in rehab with just 8 short months ago have relapsed. Some relapsed and then got back into the program, some relapsed and have not yet found their way, some are trying "controlled drinking" (which really, if you can do that then in my opinion you aren't truly an alcoholic), and there are a few who are still doing the deal and are clean and sober. I pray for these ladies every single night and love each and every one of them even those who have not yet found their way. Anyway, my friend who is coming tomorrow is still going strong on her sober journey so we have great plans to eat junk food, watch trashy reality TV, and live in sweats for the next couple of days. Doesn't this sound grand??? I think so. :)

I am becoming a bit obsessed again with decorating our house. We had only lived in our new house for about 3 months before I started decorating for fall then straight into Christmas. So now what...my house looks bare!!! Time to get back in the game. More to come on that!

Oh, and I got my hair colored for the first time! Damn you gray hairs. I am 30 and have them. Thanks mother. HA It's a little darker than it was before and I love it! CHEESE!

I'm a Bookworm: A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown

Here is something you may not know about me - I'm a bookworm. I have ALWAYS been a bookworm. I learned to read very young and truly enjoyed it. I used to save my allowance for books when I was little. Still to this day one of my favorite places to be is in a bookstore. I especially love a good used bookstore - the smell of old musty books is intoxicating to me in a good way. I've read some really great books lately so I want to start sharing those on this blog. I like all types of books so you never know what I might come up with on here!

Yes, the author's name is Cupcake Brown. You will understand once you read the book. Don't let this book cover full you into thinking this is some bubbly fun chick-lit book. This is a memoir and it is so incredibly REAL and honest. There are a lot of heavy subjects covered in this book. Just take a look at an excerpt from the back:

"There are shelves of memoirs about overcoming the death of a parent, childhood abuse, rape, drug addiction, miscarriage, alcoholism, hustling, gangbanging, near-death injuries, drug dealing, prostitution, or homelessness.

Cupcake Brown survived all these things before she’d even turned twenty.

And that’s when things got interesting…."

This is honestly one of the best books I have read in a really long time. To hear her story and how successful she is now is incredible. Go get this. NOW.

Getting Outside of Myself

Today has been a waste. Okay, not a waste...I remained sober, went to therapy, went to my sister's therapy with her and even managed to order a pizza. HA! But I haven't felt well today so I've spent most of the day in sweats curled up on the couch.

But yesterday was a VERY productive day and it was a great day because I participated in a couple of great recovery activities and really got outside of myself. For this alcoholic, getting outside of myself is absolutely necessary in my recovery. It's necessary for me to do everything I can to assist in my own recovery and help others in theirs.

Before I went to inpatient treatment I began outpatient treatment where I live. I only did about two weeks before going to inpatient. Part of my continuing care program in leaving inpatient was to start back into outpatient treatment upon my return home. So I started outpatient treatment all over again. I had a completely different outlook on life though so I was happy to start over and continue to learn. It was three nights a week at one of our local treatment centers and we were required to attend three 12 step meetings a week. I enjoyed going to both the classes at the treatment center and was more than happy to attend the three meetings and then some. Once six weeks is complete in the outpatient program you can then attend the Aftercare program which is once a week. You are not required to attend (unless legally you have to) but it's just another recovery tool that is offered so I take advantage of it. I try to attend every week as part of my program and truly enjoy it. Aftercare is either Wednesday morning at 10 or Thursday evening at 6. I have been attending Thursday night but yesterday I attended Wednesday which is a much smaller group than the Thursday. Since it's a much smaller group it has the feel of group therapy. It's wonderful to receive support in this setting. Someone was struggling very much yesterday with some things going on in her life. Instantly she had received 4 phone numbers of women she can call at any time she needs to talk. She knows we will not judge her or make her feel bad - we will just listen and share experience, strength, and hope. It's awesome to know that such supportive groups can exist for those of us in recovery.

Yesterday evening at 5pm I went to the local inpatient treatment center in our city. They hold a group every Wednesday evening called "Bridge Group" in which those of us already out in the "real world" in recovery go into the treatment center and answer questions that the patients have. It is meant to help "bridge the gap" between treatment and the real world for those currently in treatment. I know when I was in both inpatient and outpatient treatment I so appreciated those who volunteered their time to come in and speak to us. I had no idea what life was going to be like once I was out of treatment so having people in recovery come in and give us honest opinions on what worked for them was very comforting. Some of my friends in the recovery community go to Bridge Group often and invited me. It was a really great experience. The patients write down questions on a piece of paper anonymously and we answer them in the order that we pull them out of a can. If even one thing that we said touched one person then it is a success in my book. I hope to be able to do this at least once a month. It is also a good reminder to me that not long ago I was the one in treatment. I was the one feeling that way. I pray to never go back to that stage of the game.

As I said, today was pretty much a wash. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better because I have a lot of things that I need to take care of. So here's to bed early, sleeping well, and tomorrow being a new day!

Seven

Seven months ago on this day - May 1st - I was scared to death. I had hit rock bottom and had FINALLY surrendered to the fact that I was very sick. I think I had known it for awhile but I was finally to the point where I was ready to accept help. After having a panic attack the night before I knew that something had to give. I was fortunate enough to have a husband who was willing to help me get the help that I needed. May 1st was a Sunday. I was so out of my head that I had my husband give me Xanax to calm me down. I had it prescribed for when I flew - this time I wanted it because I knew I couldn't drink but I needed SOMETHING. I had at this point agreed to go to treatment. I wanted to go away - I NEEDED to go away. I had tried outpatient treatment here and I needed more than that. I had no idea what was about to happen to my life, I just knew that I was ready to do whatever I needed to do to save my family and my life. I've never really had that feeling of not even knowing where I would be the next day but I had it on that Sunday. We were waiting until Monday to go to the treatment center where I was doing outpatient so I could be referred to an inpatient facility away from here. So that Sunday was a waiting game for me. I have never felt so lost, so restless, so helpless, and so fearful. That was 7 months ago today.

The next day I was referred to a treatment center in Nashville, TN which is about 3 hours from where I live. I was told around 10 am that morning that I could be admitted that evening. I wasn't expecting it to go so fast. I guess I thought somehow I could just put it off until "tomorrow" just like I had with everything else in my life. But by 3 o'clock that afternoon I was on the road with my husband driving me to an unknown place with unknown people and an unknown way of life. I think at that point I started to actually FEEL for the first time in a LONG time. I was scared. I was nervous. I was excited in a way. I had no idea what was going to happen when we got there. By the time we got there it was dark. It was rainy. It was fitting. After a couple of hours of paperwork and assessments I was in. For 30 days. Guess they decided I was sick enough to be there. I was still in BS mode on some level and the guy doing my assessment told my husband that he could see right through me. Hm. When my husband left I felt so alone. I felt like I was in some crazy dream. I was in medical wing of a treatment center sleeping across from the nurses station. I was being given blood tests, urine tests, waiting on my luggage to go through security....all at 11 o'clock at night. I was ready though. I was willing. I still at this point thought everyone around me was WAY sicker than I was. I was not as bad as "these people" I thought. I had lied to myself for so long that it was still easy to do so at that point. That first day there was Monday, May 2nd which is my sobriety date. That is the first day I had nothing to drink, no pills, nothing. What a life changing day that turned out to be. I have a lot more to say about my experience there but I'll save that for another day. I can say this - if you have the opportunity to go away to treatment and you are ready to be willing and open minded, do it. Go. It saved me.

Now 7 months later I look back on those two days and wonder who that person was. I look the same on the outside aside from gaining some much needed weight. But on the inside I could not be more different than that girl who walked into that treatment center. I owe everyone there my life. The friends that I made, the counselors who worked with me, the doctors who helped me understand that this is a disease, the people at the meetings that we were taken to, the alumni who came back to speak at the treatment center and the nurses who dealt with so many things on a daily basis with those going through heavy detox.

Making the decision 7 months ago to get help was the single best decision I have ever made. I am now a better everything - stepmother, sister, wife, daughter, best friend, aunt, granddaughter, sister-in-law, friend, and member of society. It has not always been easy. I have had some dark days. But I am willing to do anything and everything that I need to do to keep this way of life. Everyone says that you will be amazed at how much better life gets and it is true. Even after only 7 months sometimes I look around and just want to scream with excitement at how grateful I am. I'm grateful to know that I'm not the only one and that there are others who "get" me. I'm grateful to know that I'm a good person, just a sick person. I'm grateful to know that I don't have to drink when life gets crazy. I'm grateful to everyone who stuck by me when I was going through my dark times.

I'm rambling now but I wanted to get this out there tonight. Tomorrow I will get my seven month chip. I'll send a picture of it to my husband and to my mom after the meeting. I think that picture every month means just as much to them as it does to me.

Grateful to be alive and sober tonight.

Do you miss it?

A few things that I do NOT miss about my drinking days:

• Obsessing all day over when I was going to be able to drink next


• The money that I spent on going out and buying alcohol


• Feeling so sick the morning after a binge that I had to make myself vomit


• Wicked headaches that lasted all day during a hangover


• Arguing with people I love when drunk over nothing at all


• The drama that I either caused or was involved in as a bystander


• Figuring out how the heck I was going to get home when I drank too much to drive


• People who claim to be friends but only show up when you party with them


• Blackouts


• Looking wretched after a night out but thinking I still looked fabulous


• Super late nights and lack of sleep


• Trying to function the day after super late nights and lack of sleep


• Feeling restless and alone all the time


• Lying, manipulating, and hiding things from those who truly love me


• Being a bad example to my siblings and anyone else who might have looked up to me


• Hiding alcohol in plastic cups, fast food cups, etc. to try to conceal the alcohol

Things that I DO miss about my drinking days:

Oh to hell with it...

Last night I was browsing around the internet for other recovery blogs and I found quite a few that I really enjoyed reading. Everyone has a different story - some who have long term recovery, some are just getting into the program, and some are trying to decide if they even need a program. I found one blog that really stood out though. This blog is a man in recovery who is brutally honest and it is beyond refreshing to see. You can check his blog out here. In recovery or not, I think most people would find this a good read. But back to the brutally honest part...it's refreshing. You get into recovery and you are on the proverbial "pink cloud" and everything is sunshine and rainbows. But then a bad day hits. Wait, those aren't supposed to happen now right? I mean, I'm SOBER for crying out loud! Ah, if only it were that simple.

Sex and the City is one of my favorite shows of all time. There is one episode where Samantha is to speak at a charity benefit for Cancer. She writes this lovely speech that sounds all wonderful and everything is right where it should be but when she gets up to give it, she breaks out into a horrible sweat. She is uncomfortable. She is miserable. So she instead rips off her wig exposing her bald head and says, "Oh to hell with it..." Then she gets honest. Brutally, not pretty, really honest.

It kind of had me take a look at my own blog. I think a lot of us have a habit of putting a lot of really good things on a blog. Myself included. Great recipes, great days spent with family, kids accomplishments, etc. I think sometimes though on the days that blogging would probably really be beneficial to me I think to myself, "Okay, no one wants to hear you bitch and moan about a bad day." So then I go bitch and moan to my sponsor or hit a meeting. Not that those are bad things but I guess I want to make sure I'm being real on this blog. Even if it isn't always pretty and well put together. I'm ripping the wig off people. In the words of the great Samantha Jones, "To hell with it!"

So how do I REALLY feel right now in my sobriety? Most days I truly do feel great. I mean I'm not hungover, I'm not lying to anyone, I'm not manipulating people, and I'm actually doing the things that a real grown up wife/sister/daughter/stepmom does. It's pretty wonderful. Except for on days when it is not.

What is a bad day in sobriety? Well, it doesn't mean you have to go out and drink or use. I would be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind though. It does. Just Saturday night after a particularly stressful week I thought, man, a glass of wine would be so great while I'm fixing dinner. It's a fleeting thought though. Right after I think that I go straight to, "You idiot. You can't drink just ONE glass of wine. You know this. Get praying." So I do. But does it sometimes agitate me when I see people who can drink normally knowing that I can't? Yes. It does. I am not mad at them for being "normal" when I think those things. Probably more mad at my own disease. I know that I can't have two glasses of wine with dinner and be finished though. And that's that.

Other bad day things? How about when the guilt of the crap that you have put everyone through rears its ugly head? Those days are fun right? I'm in the middle of doing my 5th step right now so a lot of these things have popped up. I think most of the time I can tell myself, "April, you are a sick person. You were not yourself then. You didn't mean to treat everyone the way you did...you just needed help. Badly." Some days though the guilt hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't let myself wallow for long but when it hits, it HITS.

For me another thing that is extremely frustrating is that sometimes I can't deal with LIFE. That's right, LIFE. Day to day things. If I get a week that is jam packed busy, I get completely overwhelmed and stressed and my mental state gets all out of whack. It doesn't make me want to drink but it makes me feel less than great for sure. Those are the times that in the past I would have heavily self medicated with bottles of wine. Now I have to dig myself out and get to a meeting even if it's the last thing I want to do that day. I think, why does this stuff stress you out? People live every day dealing with MUCH more stress than you do. Oh yeah...I'm sick. That's right. My bad.

I guess those are the main things that I deal with on bad days. Everyone says the first year of sobriety is a total roller coaster. I would agree. I get motion sick really easily so roller coasters have never been my thing and now is no exception. But the good outweighs the bad by FAR. I sure as heck don't want to go back to the way things were before. I know that they CAN very easily which is what keeps me working my program and "doing the deal." I know I have to.

So thanks to the guy who is so real on his blog. I hope to start being more real as well. Baby steps.

On being an inspiration and fun in recovery

Once again it's been forever since I have blogged. You would think I would have a ton of time to do so but I am actually pretty busy most of the time. And I think that blogging is something you have to be in the mood to do. If you aren't it's more of a chore than something therapeutic and fun which is what blogging means to me. So a lot has happened! We had my Will's 8th birthday party last weekend, Tabi finished up soccer and made the honor roll, Sheridan was voted into student council and on the school paper, and hubby leaves for Korea on Sunday for business. Oh and Rocko, well, he is still Rocko. Sleeping. A LOT. HA

A couple of things have happened yesterday and today that kind of made me want to write. Yesterday I was told by two different people that I was an inspiration to them. Me??? An inspiration? Both of these people probably read this blog so I hope they don't mind me writing about them but they really made my day. A long time friend of Tommy's wrote to me yesterday sharing that she had dealt with addiction in her own family and that she was so inspired by me showing her that addiction doesn't always win. Last night I spoke with someone I love very much who was a roommate at inpatient rehab. She has struggled with relapse and struggling to find her way on this journey of sobriety. I pray for her every single day and I know she can do this when she is ready. She said that I give her hope and that she is inspired by me and how I am living my life. Two people in one day said those things to me. It made me feel really good I have to say. That wouldn't have happened 6 months ago when I was active in my alcoholism. Today I can say that though I am sober for myself, being an inspiration to others is one of the many things that helps keep me sober and hold me accountable for my actions in my recovery. I know that I am inspired by people in the program who have remained sober for years and equally as inspired by the newcomer who comes in and picks up that white surrender chip. To think that someone feels that way about me makes me so grateful for my own recovery. To think that I am helping people in some way even if it's just showing them that addiction doesn't always win, then I am doing something right. As I grow in my sobriety I hope to be able to continue to share my experience, strength, and hope with others to help with their journey as well as continue on my own.

When I first went into meetings before treatment I was not sold on them. For one I was completely turned off by the "Higher Power" talk and for another I thought I didn't belong there. I wasn't bad enough and why would these people ever want to hang out with me or why would they care about me and what I did? Now almost 6 months later, I can't imagine my life with "these people". There are days when I do not want to go to a meeting. Most of the time it's because I'm being lazy or because I'm in a bad mood for some reason. Those days are exactly the days I need to get my butt to a meeting. Today I was feeling a little lazy, I can't lie. But I dragged myself to my normal noon meeting and I am so glad that I did. I love that meeting. I go to it at least twice a week, sometimes more. There is a lot of long term sobriety as well as newcomers. A good mix of old and young, rich and poor, men and women, and everything in between. The people in that group have become a family to me. I miss them when I don't see them and I know when I am gone they wonder where I am. Because they genuinely care. Most people in there are regulars and have been going for quite some time so we are all a pretty tight knit group. You have your jokesters, you have your more serious people, you have your people who never talk and those that, well, can talk to much sometimes. :) Today I ended up between two guys who are regulars who I have come to respect a lot for the way they work the program. They are also two of the biggest class clowns possible and between the three of us, a couple of guys sitting in front of us, and the rest of the group, we laughed and cut up so much that I left the meeting with a smile on my face a lot bigger than the one I came in there with. I am so thankful for that part of my reocvery family at the noon meeting. It IS possible to have fun in recovery. You just have to get involved, meet people, throw yourself out there and work it. It's a choice you have to make and I'm glad I"m getting more comfortable with that choice.

That is my recovery talk for the day. HA I am now ready to chill out at home on this chilly Friday night and watch Game 7 of the World Series. What a game last night! As a Cardinals fan I am rooting hard for them. However, I am rooting for Josh Hamilton on the opposing team - he is a recovering addict and has such a powerful story. It's amazing to me when people who have so much power due to their celebrity put themselves out there with their stories. They probably have no idea how much they help others in recovery and those who might one day be in recovery.

Go CARDINALS!

Long time, no blog!

I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged! Life is pretty busy right now with recovery events, meetings, kids sports (3 playing soccer with 1 playing football in addition to soccer!), and just life in general. I am thankful for my sobriety to be able to actually ENJOY these things going on. Don't get me wrong, sometime I get overwhelmed. I had a day a couple of weeks ago where I thought, okay, I don't have time for everything and then I got in the nasty spiral of overthinking things which gets me nowhere. But overall I am very happy with where life has taken me even if it's busy! So let's catch up here...

A couple of weeks ago Tommy and I made the 2.5 hour drive to Nashville, TN to go to the Cumberland Heights annual alumni picnic. I can't even explain to you the feeling of peace that comes over me anytime I go back there. It saved my life and I am thankful for that every single day. We had lunch, heard a speaker, and the best part was being able to visit with some of my "sisters" who went through treatment with me. That is a bond that will never be broken for sure! I snuck a few pictures from that day, including this one where I am pretty much thinking, "Haha, look at me! I have not only my phone but a camera on campus AND I'm wearing a skirt!!" Okay, maybe not but that little alcoholic voice inside of me was probably thinking this since as a patient I couldn't have done ANY of those things!!! HA (Seriously though, one day we got in trouble for wearing yoga pants...YOGA PANTS! Apparently they were too tight on our butts and the boys were distracted. Um, whatever.... HA)

Somewhere along the past couple of weeks we have also had Tabi's senior night for soccer, my other half sister had her baby shower, Will's final football game of the season, had about 10 trees cut down in the back yard today, and assorted other things.

This past week I've started having some major joint pain in my fingers, wrists, elbows and now ankles. I've had it off and on for the past few months in mild form but the past week it has really taken on a new level. I went to the doctor twice this week and on Friday had blood drawn to check for rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, etc. I am praying it is not RA but that does run in our family unfortunately. I am keeping my fingers crossed that my bloodwork comes back okay and it's just inflammation or some sort. I said I'm going to wear a shirt that says, "I became sober and all I got was rheumatoid arthritis!" HA

Today I was very fortunate to be able to attend the annual alumni picnic at Deaconess Crosspointe, the center where I had my outpatient treatment. It was a great fellowship lunch with an awesome speaker. I am so thankful for both Donna and Dave who run the program that I attended - they save lives every day doing what they do. I know that they had a hand in saving mine. I am blessed to be able to be surrounded by such amazing people at these events. And I was able to play with my sponsor's grandson which is a treat! He is such a cute little baby! That event put me in a great spot for the rest of the day.

I have a couple of other things up my sleeve to blog about but as I said, my fingers and wrists are hurting right now so I can't type for long periods of time. Stay tuned to hear why I now have a ceramic white elephant on my mantle and very weird story about a find in a local "junk shop" that made both my mom and I step back and say, "Whoa...God works in mysterious ways."

PS - Tomorrow is my 5 month anniversary of being sober!!!

4 Months & One Last Summer Post

Before I post anything I have to say WOW. After my post a few days ago "coming out" so to speak about my alcoholism, I was bombarded with people leaving me comments of support and love. I post my blog updates on my Facebook page so I had a ton of my Facebook friends posting supportive words. It was awesome really. I didn't write that post to get all of that praise for what I've done, but it was really nice anyway. :) On that note, I'll post one alcohol related item then move on to other things in life. After all, I got sober to live life, not to dwell on my disease!

Today was my 4 month anniversary and I picked up my chip today at my regular noon meeting. I said that it's always a great thing for me to pick up a chip because my sobriety date was also my first day in inpatient rehab. It's good to look back on that time in my life to be reminded of how it was and how it is now. I'll take now, thanks.

(Yeah, I totally took a picture of this with my iphone in the middle of the meeting to send to my husband....HA!)

So, it's 100 degrees here today. What is up with that? It's September. I'm ready to decoarate for fall and do fall baking. I am over this heat. Will's football game tomorrow is canceled because of HEAT. Seriously? Football canceled because of heat? Ugh. Over it. I hate winter though so I'll not complain TOO much. I figured I'll do one last summer post because I'm hoping to get in FALL mode soon! (Confession: I've actually already started decorating for fall...)

Let's talk flowers. And plants. I have NEVER been one who has a green thumb. Okay, let's not sugar coat this - I've never been able to keep plants alive, period. Was it my lack of watering? My lack of fertilizing? My lack of....giving a sh*t? Probably all of those things. With our new home came a lot of new landscaping and I have been determined to keep all of these plants alive and looking fab. So far, I have done pretty well. I've always wanted a house that looks pretty on the outside as well as the inside - pretty flowers, nice porch, all that good stuff. I'm spending a lot of time making sure that happens. I give you...my first attempt at actually giving a sh*t about my yard:

(Look at Rocko in the window - HA!) ^

That is just a few things in my yard right now. Some of you are probably thinking, um really? You are excited about potted plants and some roses and hibiscus? YES. Yes I am. I am telling you, I've killed every plant I've ever had so this is all amazing to me. Turns out maybe I like playing in my yard.

On that note, off to water the plants. And get eaten alive I'm sure.

Yeah, about that whole "recovering alcoholic" thing...

So I decided to go ahead and put "recovering alcoholic" in the "About Me" section on this blog. I questioned it but it is such a huge part of my life now that I can't really blog about my life and leave that part out. I started to wonder, what is the big deal if people know I am a recovering alcoholic? I am proud of the work I have done on myself and the changes I have made in my life and I have no reason to hide it really. I understand that some people do like to keep it to themselves and that is okay. I get it. But for me, I'm throwing it out there. So there it is.

And just how did this all come about? For the past few years most people knew I liked to drink. I was kind of known for that. Everyone knew I loved wine, everyone knew I was always up for going out and having a good time, and if you had questions about wine or liquor, come to me. I've got the answers. I'm not saying that I didn't have some fun times - I did. But what most people didn't see was that my life was spiraling out of control in every aspect. I was not the same person anymore. I was becoming a selfish person who didn't care about consequences, who didn't care about hurting those I love, and didn't care how I looked to other people. It was a nasty spiral.

I'm not about to sit here and tell my whole story yet. I'm nowhere near a point in my sobriety to do so. But a few things I will say just to get them out there. Knowing that alcoholism is a disease is huge to me. It's somewhat comforting to know that I didn't do anything to cause this problem. I have it inside of me, my brain is actually different than a non-addict/alcoholic's brain. Seeing that demonstrated by a doctor who knows his stuff was pretty amazing. I was doomed from the start with my family history and there really was not much I could have done to prevent it from wreaking havoc on me. Knowing what I know now about alcoholism, I look back at my childhood and teen years and know that I had all of the symptoms of a future alcoholic/addict. More on that in a later post. Knowing that alcoholism does not discriminate is a biggie I think. I sit in meetings with doctors, lawyers, surgeons, teachers, coaches, restaurant workers, men, women, young, old, every ethnicity, etc. Anyone can have this. The damn disease will eat you alive no matter what kind of purse you carry or what kind of car you drive. I'm proof of this. Knowing that there are others out there like me has been a great thing. I'm NOT alone in this.

So what happened? Someone smacked me upside the head is what happened. Not literally of course (though it should have happened probably at times). Between my mom and my husband I think I finally was pushed to the brink of a nervous breakdown. I was out of control and they kept pointing it out and as any good alcoholic/addict I was in denial and made excuses for every damn thing I did. After a lot of tears, arguing, hurting everyone around me, I surrendered to the fact that I did have a problem. Something was wrong. Was I willing to admit that I was a bad alcoholic? Eh, not at that point probably but I knew something had to give. Tommy said I could go away to rehab somewhere to get better. This was crucial to me - the going away part. I could not get better here. I had to be away from everything. Some people don't have to, but I did.

May 2nd I was admitted to Cumberland Heights in Nashville, TN for their inpatient 30 day program. Was I scared? Yes. Was I angry? Yes. Was I grateful? Yes. I was about 50 emotions all wrapped up into one scared 29 year old woman. I'll detail more of the rehab experience later but that 30 days changed my life in every way possible. I can never repay everyone there for what they did for me. I made some amazing new friends, had the best counselors, doctors, speakers, etc. that anyone could ask for. That place saved my life. My husband allowing me to go there saved my life. I am eternally grateful. I came home a completely different woman. I was still me in the good ways, but had a totally different outlook on life.

I've been home almost 3 months now and things are better than I could have ever asked for. I have a wonderful sponsor who I speak with a few times a week, I am working the steps of a great program, I go to at the very least 3 meetings a week, I did IOP at home for 6 weeks after returning from Nashville and now am in Aftercare once a week. I also changed my phone number, deleted a myriad of people from Facebook, and dropped a lot of "friends" that I had been hanging out with before. My life is amazing now. It's simple. I have to work hard every day for the amazing part, I won't lie. But I am happier now than I've ever been before. I pick up my 4 month chip on Friday.

So for anyone reading this who knew me as the drinker, don't worry. I'm still fun to be around, I just won't be throwing back the drinks with you anymore. I had one of my closest friends say to me, "I feel so bad about mentioning drinks on your birthday now! I had no idea!" Don't feel bad. This is the first time I'm throwing it out there. Very few people knew about all of this. I wasn't ready to throw it out there until now. So please don't feel bad about anything you have said or done. I'm completely comfortable with my new life (except on the days when I'm not - HA!) so you should be too.

I think that's it for now. I could go on about this subject for hours but I'll save it for later posts. I just needed to get this out there so some of the things I will write about make more sense. Thanks for listening!