Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone is having a great holiday season! I know mine has been wonderful so far! Yesterday my husband and I exchanged gifts with each other as we always do on Christmas Eve. Santa was good to us both this year! We then went to his parent’s house for a yummy meal and present opening. This morning we got up and gave Tabi her presents from Santa. That girl normally can sleep until noon but wouldn't you know she was up before 8am ready for presents? She broke my 8am rule! HA This afternoon Will and Sheridan came to our house to see what Santa brought them and now we are all just enjoying the evening. I am BEAT though. I feel like I have a lot to do but taking things one day a time is really helping this year. I am not even stressed yet about what I have to do later in the week. And thank goodness because we still have two Christmas celebrations to go! On Wednesday I get to meet my niece for the very first time! She isn't even a year old yet and lives in Florida so we rarely get to see them. It will be great to see my stepsister, her hubby and precious little Cadence!

Here are some things that have been going on this holiday season for us....

Baby sister Tabi all dolled up for her Christmas dance...last one as she is a senior this year!

Check out Will looking right at me during his school Christmas program...HA!

Nothing makes Sheridan happier than books and gift cards to buy books!

My little nephew Brayden had his first Christmas this year!

Do you think Will likes this present from Mamaw and Papaw? I'm guessing yes

Santa brought a zip line to our house this year and put it up in the woods! It has some tweaking to make it perfect but once it is it will be an awesome toy to have!

"What Makes You Happy?"

When I went to rehab one of the things that made me the most nervous was having to live with a bunch of women for 30 days. I was never one of these people who needed a ton of "girlfriends" in which to hang out with and talk to all of the time. So to be "stuck" with a bunch of women for that long sounded awful to me. Who knew that I would walk away from that place with some of the best friends a girl could ask for? We were all so different yet we all shared the common bond of addiction/alcoholism which was huge. We UNDERSTOOD each other on a level that our "normal" friends never would. I still keep in contact with many of these women and probably always will. They were a huge part of what made my experience so amazing and life changing.

The sad thing is that not all of the women that I was in rehab with have remained sober since leaving. They tell us at rehab that most will not make it but I don't we really grasp it until we see it. I pray for these women every single day and hope that the ones who have not remained sober find their way back because they are all awesome people who deserve to be well.

A couple of nights ago I was talking to one of my closest friends from rehab. She is having some struggles in her sober journey and I hate that for her. I hope she can find her way because I love her dearly. We were discussing the "geographical cure" and I said to her that if you are happy you can be happy anywhere just like if you are truly unhappy you can be unhappy anywhere. She said, "What makes YOU happy?" To me the answer was simple: Sobriety. That is an all encompassing answer. Because of my sobriety, the rest of my life is now happy. I have a good marriage, I have a good relationship with my stepkids and my sister, I am grateful, I have the opportunity to meet amazing people from all walks of life, and I am happy with myself and my decisions today. I have bad days and get in bad moods - I am human. Everyone does. Being sober doesn't get rid of those days unfortunately. But overall, I am happier now than I've ever been.

This Christmas I get to be present. I get to enjoy every moment that happens. That is such a blessing and I never would have thought it could be this good. So thank you to all of those who have helped in this journey and that I can truly say AM happy.

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

Bake-a-Palooza rounds 2 and 3!

Have I mentioned how much I love baking? Especially around the holidays? It calms me. That might sound strange to some people but I get so caught up in the baking and making everything look pretty that everything else in my mind just fades away. Today completed round #3. I still have one more round to take care of since we are doing some family stuff the week after Christmas this year. If only someone would come clean up after me!

Round #2

So to call this a "round" might be kind of odd since it's really only one thing. BUT, considering this is a two day project, I'm calling it a round. Okay? Thanks. HA

I made these sugar cookies for Christmas at my Grandma's house. This is my best friend's sugar cookie recipe which is legendary around here. This is a two day process but I love doing them! They taste good and they are so pretty!
Round #3

Round 3 was a bit more intensive. My husband asked me to bake tins full of goodies for some of his coworkers and I also wanted to make some for our neighbors. I have so many recipes that I love, it's hard to narrow down what to make. I figure I have enough baking to do that I can get it all in one way or the other!

In the tins that I made today there were some of the same things that I made last week - snickerdoodles, red velvet cake balls, hard candy (mint this time!) and peanut brittle. In addition to those things I made:

White Chocolate topped Gingerbread Cookies - These are SO good fresh out of the oven! So soft and just the right amount of both white chocolate and gingerbread flavor. I made these pretty small and they made a lot. Definitely adding this to my yearly Christmas goody list!

Chocolate Peppermint Cookies - I've made these before and they are kind of a pain but so worth it. They taste so good and they are so pretty when finished. That Martha Stewart sure knows what's up!

Puppy Chow - What can you say about puppy chow? Super easy, super yummy, and everyone loves it. Any questions?

Peppermint Bark - I will probably double this recipe next time. I just made mine into a sheet of bark instead of the cool snowflakes shown on the site where I found the recipe. I didn't buy molds in time but next year I will!

One week until Christmas!

One week until Christmas! I give you our silly family picture from this holiday season...HA! The REAL us!

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

Love this. So true. We aren't the ones in control...

Bake-a-palooza 2011 has begun!

I have always loved to bake. My mom and I used to always get together and bake at Christmas - some years we went crazier with it than others to say the least. Last year I didn't do much baking. For one, we were in a condo because our house had just burnt down a month prior to Christmas. And two, I'm sure I was too busy going out and drinking to worry about such things. So happy that this year I actually care about all of those things that I once upon a time loved doing!

So yesterday began....Bake-a-palooza 2011! I love giving baked goods as gifts. I'm not working this year, BUT I am still friends with a lot of people from the place where I worked for 7 years. They always LOVED when I would bring in bags of goodies at Christmas so I decided to bake for them this year. I baked all day yesterday and delivered them today - hope they enjoy!!! I have quite a few more days ahead of me baking so stay tuned for more!

(Pictures from my kitchen)
Here is the rundown from day 1 of baking (click on the name to link to the recipe)

Peanut Brittle (bottom left picture)
I've made this peanut brittle for years and it turns out perfect every time. Make sure you make friends with your candy thermometer and don't try to multi task with this one. It needs your love the entire time!

Cinnamon hard candy (top left picture)
Again, make friends with the candy thermometer on this one. You can make it whatever flavor you want! I only did cinnamon this time but have the stuff for both mint and root beer!

Simply Sinful Cinnamon Muffins
This was the first time I have made these muffins and oh my goodness am I glad that I did. I didn't have rolled oats so just used regular Quaker oats and it was fine. I used butterscotch chips which I think gave them great flavor. I'll be making these again for sure!

Chocolate and Toffee Bars (bottom right picture)
I made these a couple of years back and forgot to put them on my blog so I've been looking forever for the recipe! I finally found it! These are so rich so I cut them into pretty small pieces most of the time. Delicious!

Candy Cane Blossoms(top right picture)
These are just a cute, simple, and festive looking sugar cookie for the holidays. I think the kids would love doing these!

Snickerdoodles
This is my go-to snickerdoodle recipe. I always use this one and people love them. Perfect every time!

Red Velvet Cake Balls (below)
This was the first time I've made these little balls of yummy goodness. Dipping anything in chocolate is a pain in the rear but man these are good. I especially like them straight out of the refrigerator. This recipe makes a BUNCH. I am freezing half of them to use in some gift boxes this weekend.

(Pictures from my kitchen)

Tomorrow and Friday I'll be baking for Christmas at my Grandma's this weekend, for neighbors and for a group of friends I'll be hanging out with Thursday night. I think everyone thinks I'm nuts but I love it! :)

It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas!

I have always, always loved Christmas. I love decorating, wrapping gifts, baking goodies, Christmas services at church...pretty much everything involved. When I was little we would drive around looking at Christmas lights and I couldn't wait to see them and look in the sky for Santa and his sleigh! Now that I'm "grown up" (or something like that...) I have my own family, my own house to decorate, and my own kids to start holiday traditions with. Last weekend we decorated our house and it was extra fun this year because a) I'm sober and b) we are in a new house this year! To say I go slightly overboard at Christmas...well....take a look...

Rocko just wants to come outside and help us hang the lights....

Front porch all ready for Santa!

My husband is a University of Kentucky grad so we had to have a UK themed tree

This is my candy and sweets themed tree. I have always wanted one of these since I was little and now I finally have one :) Sheridan loves helping me with this one

This is our big family tree. Every ornament on this tree has a story behind it. Some are older than I am. My ornaments are some of my most prized posessions. When our house burnt these boxes were far enough in the attic to survive. Thank God. Every year I buy everyone a new ornament and that is the first ornament that goes on the tree. Someday when the kids have their own trees they can take these ornaments with them and be reminded of our tradition.

And the newest addition to our decor this year....a leg lamp! No Christmas is complete to me without The Christmas Story. I used to watch it so much that my Granny hid it from me so she wouldn't have to watch it anymore. So now I have a little bit of it in my own house. HA

I'm so thankful this Christmas to have everything that I have. I think it might just be the best one yet!

Seven

Seven months ago on this day - May 1st - I was scared to death. I had hit rock bottom and had FINALLY surrendered to the fact that I was very sick. I think I had known it for awhile but I was finally to the point where I was ready to accept help. After having a panic attack the night before I knew that something had to give. I was fortunate enough to have a husband who was willing to help me get the help that I needed. May 1st was a Sunday. I was so out of my head that I had my husband give me Xanax to calm me down. I had it prescribed for when I flew - this time I wanted it because I knew I couldn't drink but I needed SOMETHING. I had at this point agreed to go to treatment. I wanted to go away - I NEEDED to go away. I had tried outpatient treatment here and I needed more than that. I had no idea what was about to happen to my life, I just knew that I was ready to do whatever I needed to do to save my family and my life. I've never really had that feeling of not even knowing where I would be the next day but I had it on that Sunday. We were waiting until Monday to go to the treatment center where I was doing outpatient so I could be referred to an inpatient facility away from here. So that Sunday was a waiting game for me. I have never felt so lost, so restless, so helpless, and so fearful. That was 7 months ago today.

The next day I was referred to a treatment center in Nashville, TN which is about 3 hours from where I live. I was told around 10 am that morning that I could be admitted that evening. I wasn't expecting it to go so fast. I guess I thought somehow I could just put it off until "tomorrow" just like I had with everything else in my life. But by 3 o'clock that afternoon I was on the road with my husband driving me to an unknown place with unknown people and an unknown way of life. I think at that point I started to actually FEEL for the first time in a LONG time. I was scared. I was nervous. I was excited in a way. I had no idea what was going to happen when we got there. By the time we got there it was dark. It was rainy. It was fitting. After a couple of hours of paperwork and assessments I was in. For 30 days. Guess they decided I was sick enough to be there. I was still in BS mode on some level and the guy doing my assessment told my husband that he could see right through me. Hm. When my husband left I felt so alone. I felt like I was in some crazy dream. I was in medical wing of a treatment center sleeping across from the nurses station. I was being given blood tests, urine tests, waiting on my luggage to go through security....all at 11 o'clock at night. I was ready though. I was willing. I still at this point thought everyone around me was WAY sicker than I was. I was not as bad as "these people" I thought. I had lied to myself for so long that it was still easy to do so at that point. That first day there was Monday, May 2nd which is my sobriety date. That is the first day I had nothing to drink, no pills, nothing. What a life changing day that turned out to be. I have a lot more to say about my experience there but I'll save that for another day. I can say this - if you have the opportunity to go away to treatment and you are ready to be willing and open minded, do it. Go. It saved me.

Now 7 months later I look back on those two days and wonder who that person was. I look the same on the outside aside from gaining some much needed weight. But on the inside I could not be more different than that girl who walked into that treatment center. I owe everyone there my life. The friends that I made, the counselors who worked with me, the doctors who helped me understand that this is a disease, the people at the meetings that we were taken to, the alumni who came back to speak at the treatment center and the nurses who dealt with so many things on a daily basis with those going through heavy detox.

Making the decision 7 months ago to get help was the single best decision I have ever made. I am now a better everything - stepmother, sister, wife, daughter, best friend, aunt, granddaughter, sister-in-law, friend, and member of society. It has not always been easy. I have had some dark days. But I am willing to do anything and everything that I need to do to keep this way of life. Everyone says that you will be amazed at how much better life gets and it is true. Even after only 7 months sometimes I look around and just want to scream with excitement at how grateful I am. I'm grateful to know that I'm not the only one and that there are others who "get" me. I'm grateful to know that I'm a good person, just a sick person. I'm grateful to know that I don't have to drink when life gets crazy. I'm grateful to everyone who stuck by me when I was going through my dark times.

I'm rambling now but I wanted to get this out there tonight. Tomorrow I will get my seven month chip. I'll send a picture of it to my husband and to my mom after the meeting. I think that picture every month means just as much to them as it does to me.

Grateful to be alive and sober tonight.

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

Do you miss it?

A few things that I do NOT miss about my drinking days:

• Obsessing all day over when I was going to be able to drink next


• The money that I spent on going out and buying alcohol


• Feeling so sick the morning after a binge that I had to make myself vomit


• Wicked headaches that lasted all day during a hangover


• Arguing with people I love when drunk over nothing at all


• The drama that I either caused or was involved in as a bystander


• Figuring out how the heck I was going to get home when I drank too much to drive


• People who claim to be friends but only show up when you party with them


• Blackouts


• Looking wretched after a night out but thinking I still looked fabulous


• Super late nights and lack of sleep


• Trying to function the day after super late nights and lack of sleep


• Feeling restless and alone all the time


• Lying, manipulating, and hiding things from those who truly love me


• Being a bad example to my siblings and anyone else who might have looked up to me


• Hiding alcohol in plastic cups, fast food cups, etc. to try to conceal the alcohol

Things that I DO miss about my drinking days:

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

I like words. Is that weird? I love quotes and I would have an entire wall of quotes in my house if my husband would let me. I have found some really amazing quotes that deal with recovery and I've decided to share some of those with you every week. Wednesday Words of Wisdom....by me. Because I'm wise. Or something like that. :)

Brayden Edward Cashin - Welcome to the world!

This morning the phone woke us up around 5:45am and it was my sister (technically half sister to me she is just my sister) saying she was in labor and at the hospital! EEEE!!! I could not go back to sleep so baby sis who lives with me and I went to the hospital this morning around 9am. Poor Bethany was so tired from being up all night. I can't even imagine. Childbirth...no thank you. I'll just let everyone around me do it so I can still get to be around babies sometimes. :) Around noon she was only 4 centimeters so we thought we had awhile but within about an hour we had a baby!!! My precious little nephew Brayden Edward Cashin was 7 perfect pounds and 7 perfect ounces. Hearing him let out a big cry when we were outside of the birthing room was one of the best sounds ever. New babies are so darn cute. The little noses just crack me up. So tiny! Then I thought, hm. My bulldog weighs 7 times what this baby weighs....wow. I think of the weirdest things. Anyway, thank God that everything went well and I look so forward to watching my new little nephew grow!

Welcome to the world Brayden and congrats to Bethany and Justin!!!

Oh to hell with it...

Last night I was browsing around the internet for other recovery blogs and I found quite a few that I really enjoyed reading. Everyone has a different story - some who have long term recovery, some are just getting into the program, and some are trying to decide if they even need a program. I found one blog that really stood out though. This blog is a man in recovery who is brutally honest and it is beyond refreshing to see. You can check his blog out here. In recovery or not, I think most people would find this a good read. But back to the brutally honest part...it's refreshing. You get into recovery and you are on the proverbial "pink cloud" and everything is sunshine and rainbows. But then a bad day hits. Wait, those aren't supposed to happen now right? I mean, I'm SOBER for crying out loud! Ah, if only it were that simple.

Sex and the City is one of my favorite shows of all time. There is one episode where Samantha is to speak at a charity benefit for Cancer. She writes this lovely speech that sounds all wonderful and everything is right where it should be but when she gets up to give it, she breaks out into a horrible sweat. She is uncomfortable. She is miserable. So she instead rips off her wig exposing her bald head and says, "Oh to hell with it..." Then she gets honest. Brutally, not pretty, really honest.

It kind of had me take a look at my own blog. I think a lot of us have a habit of putting a lot of really good things on a blog. Myself included. Great recipes, great days spent with family, kids accomplishments, etc. I think sometimes though on the days that blogging would probably really be beneficial to me I think to myself, "Okay, no one wants to hear you bitch and moan about a bad day." So then I go bitch and moan to my sponsor or hit a meeting. Not that those are bad things but I guess I want to make sure I'm being real on this blog. Even if it isn't always pretty and well put together. I'm ripping the wig off people. In the words of the great Samantha Jones, "To hell with it!"

So how do I REALLY feel right now in my sobriety? Most days I truly do feel great. I mean I'm not hungover, I'm not lying to anyone, I'm not manipulating people, and I'm actually doing the things that a real grown up wife/sister/daughter/stepmom does. It's pretty wonderful. Except for on days when it is not.

What is a bad day in sobriety? Well, it doesn't mean you have to go out and drink or use. I would be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind though. It does. Just Saturday night after a particularly stressful week I thought, man, a glass of wine would be so great while I'm fixing dinner. It's a fleeting thought though. Right after I think that I go straight to, "You idiot. You can't drink just ONE glass of wine. You know this. Get praying." So I do. But does it sometimes agitate me when I see people who can drink normally knowing that I can't? Yes. It does. I am not mad at them for being "normal" when I think those things. Probably more mad at my own disease. I know that I can't have two glasses of wine with dinner and be finished though. And that's that.

Other bad day things? How about when the guilt of the crap that you have put everyone through rears its ugly head? Those days are fun right? I'm in the middle of doing my 5th step right now so a lot of these things have popped up. I think most of the time I can tell myself, "April, you are a sick person. You were not yourself then. You didn't mean to treat everyone the way you did...you just needed help. Badly." Some days though the guilt hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't let myself wallow for long but when it hits, it HITS.

For me another thing that is extremely frustrating is that sometimes I can't deal with LIFE. That's right, LIFE. Day to day things. If I get a week that is jam packed busy, I get completely overwhelmed and stressed and my mental state gets all out of whack. It doesn't make me want to drink but it makes me feel less than great for sure. Those are the times that in the past I would have heavily self medicated with bottles of wine. Now I have to dig myself out and get to a meeting even if it's the last thing I want to do that day. I think, why does this stuff stress you out? People live every day dealing with MUCH more stress than you do. Oh yeah...I'm sick. That's right. My bad.

I guess those are the main things that I deal with on bad days. Everyone says the first year of sobriety is a total roller coaster. I would agree. I get motion sick really easily so roller coasters have never been my thing and now is no exception. But the good outweighs the bad by FAR. I sure as heck don't want to go back to the way things were before. I know that they CAN very easily which is what keeps me working my program and "doing the deal." I know I have to.

So thanks to the guy who is so real on his blog. I hope to start being more real as well. Baby steps.

Here's what's been cookin'

Two posts in one week! I am a crazy woman. HA I wanted to get on here to post a few recipes that I've made lately. I used to have a blog devoted solely to my baking and cooking but as I said, that was called "wine lover's cooking diary." I feel like that isn't appropriate anymore....ahem. Anyway, I am still cooking and baking though and I want to share some things that I have made lately in case you are looking for some new things to try! I love the internet for finding fabulous recipes...I don't know what I did before cooking blogs!!!

I like to use the crockpot when I can since we are so darn busy. Hubby isn't as huge of a fan as me but he also isn't the one who has to find time to fix dinner with our schedules so sometimes I just go for it. :) This loaded baked potato soup is SO good. It was perfect for a cold day and smelled so delicious while cooking. Very easy to make! If you want it a little thicker then use less chicken broth. I will probably use less next time.

One of my all time favorite fall recipes is for iced pumpkin cookies. I made these a few years ago for the first time and now I get requests for these every year. I made these for hubby's secretary last week for her birthday and everyone loved them! Whoever came up with this recipe deserves a medal. The pumpkin cookie part is good enough to eat on it's own but is made every yummier with the drizzled icing. YUM! (picture from allrecipes.com)
Here is another yummy crockpot recipe - southwest chicken stacks. I LOVED this one. I could live on Mexican type food though so it would be something for me to NOT have loved it. You can really do a lot of different things with this recipe - make it into tacos, burritos, quesadillas, or my favorite, over tortilla chips. I make mine into nachos with all the fixings and it is so good. Even kid friendly which is always good! (photo from Mel's Kitchen Cafe blog)

I guess one final post should be the birthday cake that I made for my stepson's birthday. I was terrified to make this cake. I am pretty crafty - not to toot my own horn, but creativity is just one of my strengths. But cake? I had never messed with cake. Cookies? Yes. Cake? No. But Will wanted an army tank cake, so an army tank cake was what he would get. I found some ideas on Pinterest and used those as starter guides. Here is what mine ended up looking like:

Hope you enjoy at least one of these recipes - I have lots more where these came from so I hope to share them with you soon! Happy Sunday!

On being an inspiration and fun in recovery

Once again it's been forever since I have blogged. You would think I would have a ton of time to do so but I am actually pretty busy most of the time. And I think that blogging is something you have to be in the mood to do. If you aren't it's more of a chore than something therapeutic and fun which is what blogging means to me. So a lot has happened! We had my Will's 8th birthday party last weekend, Tabi finished up soccer and made the honor roll, Sheridan was voted into student council and on the school paper, and hubby leaves for Korea on Sunday for business. Oh and Rocko, well, he is still Rocko. Sleeping. A LOT. HA

A couple of things have happened yesterday and today that kind of made me want to write. Yesterday I was told by two different people that I was an inspiration to them. Me??? An inspiration? Both of these people probably read this blog so I hope they don't mind me writing about them but they really made my day. A long time friend of Tommy's wrote to me yesterday sharing that she had dealt with addiction in her own family and that she was so inspired by me showing her that addiction doesn't always win. Last night I spoke with someone I love very much who was a roommate at inpatient rehab. She has struggled with relapse and struggling to find her way on this journey of sobriety. I pray for her every single day and I know she can do this when she is ready. She said that I give her hope and that she is inspired by me and how I am living my life. Two people in one day said those things to me. It made me feel really good I have to say. That wouldn't have happened 6 months ago when I was active in my alcoholism. Today I can say that though I am sober for myself, being an inspiration to others is one of the many things that helps keep me sober and hold me accountable for my actions in my recovery. I know that I am inspired by people in the program who have remained sober for years and equally as inspired by the newcomer who comes in and picks up that white surrender chip. To think that someone feels that way about me makes me so grateful for my own recovery. To think that I am helping people in some way even if it's just showing them that addiction doesn't always win, then I am doing something right. As I grow in my sobriety I hope to be able to continue to share my experience, strength, and hope with others to help with their journey as well as continue on my own.

When I first went into meetings before treatment I was not sold on them. For one I was completely turned off by the "Higher Power" talk and for another I thought I didn't belong there. I wasn't bad enough and why would these people ever want to hang out with me or why would they care about me and what I did? Now almost 6 months later, I can't imagine my life with "these people". There are days when I do not want to go to a meeting. Most of the time it's because I'm being lazy or because I'm in a bad mood for some reason. Those days are exactly the days I need to get my butt to a meeting. Today I was feeling a little lazy, I can't lie. But I dragged myself to my normal noon meeting and I am so glad that I did. I love that meeting. I go to it at least twice a week, sometimes more. There is a lot of long term sobriety as well as newcomers. A good mix of old and young, rich and poor, men and women, and everything in between. The people in that group have become a family to me. I miss them when I don't see them and I know when I am gone they wonder where I am. Because they genuinely care. Most people in there are regulars and have been going for quite some time so we are all a pretty tight knit group. You have your jokesters, you have your more serious people, you have your people who never talk and those that, well, can talk to much sometimes. :) Today I ended up between two guys who are regulars who I have come to respect a lot for the way they work the program. They are also two of the biggest class clowns possible and between the three of us, a couple of guys sitting in front of us, and the rest of the group, we laughed and cut up so much that I left the meeting with a smile on my face a lot bigger than the one I came in there with. I am so thankful for that part of my reocvery family at the noon meeting. It IS possible to have fun in recovery. You just have to get involved, meet people, throw yourself out there and work it. It's a choice you have to make and I'm glad I"m getting more comfortable with that choice.

That is my recovery talk for the day. HA I am now ready to chill out at home on this chilly Friday night and watch Game 7 of the World Series. What a game last night! As a Cardinals fan I am rooting hard for them. However, I am rooting for Josh Hamilton on the opposing team - he is a recovering addict and has such a powerful story. It's amazing to me when people who have so much power due to their celebrity put themselves out there with their stories. They probably have no idea how much they help others in recovery and those who might one day be in recovery.

Go CARDINALS!

Long time, no blog!

I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged! Life is pretty busy right now with recovery events, meetings, kids sports (3 playing soccer with 1 playing football in addition to soccer!), and just life in general. I am thankful for my sobriety to be able to actually ENJOY these things going on. Don't get me wrong, sometime I get overwhelmed. I had a day a couple of weeks ago where I thought, okay, I don't have time for everything and then I got in the nasty spiral of overthinking things which gets me nowhere. But overall I am very happy with where life has taken me even if it's busy! So let's catch up here...

A couple of weeks ago Tommy and I made the 2.5 hour drive to Nashville, TN to go to the Cumberland Heights annual alumni picnic. I can't even explain to you the feeling of peace that comes over me anytime I go back there. It saved my life and I am thankful for that every single day. We had lunch, heard a speaker, and the best part was being able to visit with some of my "sisters" who went through treatment with me. That is a bond that will never be broken for sure! I snuck a few pictures from that day, including this one where I am pretty much thinking, "Haha, look at me! I have not only my phone but a camera on campus AND I'm wearing a skirt!!" Okay, maybe not but that little alcoholic voice inside of me was probably thinking this since as a patient I couldn't have done ANY of those things!!! HA (Seriously though, one day we got in trouble for wearing yoga pants...YOGA PANTS! Apparently they were too tight on our butts and the boys were distracted. Um, whatever.... HA)

Somewhere along the past couple of weeks we have also had Tabi's senior night for soccer, my other half sister had her baby shower, Will's final football game of the season, had about 10 trees cut down in the back yard today, and assorted other things.

This past week I've started having some major joint pain in my fingers, wrists, elbows and now ankles. I've had it off and on for the past few months in mild form but the past week it has really taken on a new level. I went to the doctor twice this week and on Friday had blood drawn to check for rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, etc. I am praying it is not RA but that does run in our family unfortunately. I am keeping my fingers crossed that my bloodwork comes back okay and it's just inflammation or some sort. I said I'm going to wear a shirt that says, "I became sober and all I got was rheumatoid arthritis!" HA

Today I was very fortunate to be able to attend the annual alumni picnic at Deaconess Crosspointe, the center where I had my outpatient treatment. It was a great fellowship lunch with an awesome speaker. I am so thankful for both Donna and Dave who run the program that I attended - they save lives every day doing what they do. I know that they had a hand in saving mine. I am blessed to be able to be surrounded by such amazing people at these events. And I was able to play with my sponsor's grandson which is a treat! He is such a cute little baby! That event put me in a great spot for the rest of the day.

I have a couple of other things up my sleeve to blog about but as I said, my fingers and wrists are hurting right now so I can't type for long periods of time. Stay tuned to hear why I now have a ceramic white elephant on my mantle and very weird story about a find in a local "junk shop" that made both my mom and I step back and say, "Whoa...God works in mysterious ways."

PS - Tomorrow is my 5 month anniversary of being sober!!!

Where did the week go?

This is one of those weeks where I think, where the heck did the week go??? It seems like what I did last weekend was just yesterday.

Last weekend was a great overall weekend. It truly was one of those weekends where I thought, wow, I am so happy I am sober to enjoy all of this. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy every day that I'm sober but I know that the things that made me truly happy inside last weekend wouldn't have made me as happy when I was drinking. Sad, but true. Friday was my mom's birthday and we always do a day trip to wherever she wants to go. She is very into geneaology and our family tree so we drove around to some small towns near here and looked at old family cemeteries, old school houses, and went to Spring Mill.

















Last Friday night hubby and I went to the Friday night meetings of Al-Anon and AA which conveniently are right next door to one another in the building. After that a group of us couples including my sponsor and her hubby went out to eat at IHOP. I am not a huge IHOP fan but I had pumpkin pancakes. They were to die for. I MUST make some. We stayed out until almost 11 - late night for us! Oh how things change.

Saturday was another great day. We woke up and went to Will's football game and...wait for it...he scored his first touchdown ever! So fun to watch that. After that we had the kids and we just hung out at home all day. Rocko and Will played in the backyard, Tommy watched college football, Sheridan did her almost teenage girl thing which I believe was consisting of watching movies and painting nails, and I did various things like working in the yard. We made two new recipes that day - one for dinner and one for dessert. The dinner recipe was pepperoni pizza puffs. Such a cute idea for a kids dinner and they both loved them. I suggest you try them especially for the kiddos.





















(I could not for the life of me get good pics of these on my own so I'm using the pictures from the blogs that I found the recipes. Need to work on food photography skills clearly...HA!)

For dessert we made snickerdoodle cake with brown sugar cinnamon buttercream. Did you die a little bit just reading that? Here is how you know it is a good cake - between the cake and the icing it called for SIX and a HALF sticks of butter. No, that is not a typo. As disgusting as the thought of that much butter sounds, this cake is SO freaking good. Perfect for fall. The kids had a good time helping make it and licking the beaters. When they were 3 and 7 they fought over who got to pour in the ingredients and now at 7 and 11 they are STILL having this same argument. HA!

So overall last weekend was awesome. I can't even tell you what all I've done this week. Like I said, seems like it just came and went. I worked concession stand Tuesday night at Tabi's soccer game which I was dreading but actually was kind of fun. This is one of those unselfish type things that I look at and know that when I was in my addiction I would have just not even volunteered to do. It wouldn't have crossed my mind. Different year, different me. I've been obsessing this week over our bedroom decor. I haven't touched the bedroom yet as I've been working on the rest of the house and in true addict fashion I can't have a project and just not let it consume me. Hopefully I'll pull the trigger and buy some things soon so I can get it off my mind. HA

Tomorrow we are heading to Cumberland Heights in Nashville where I went to inpatient treatment. It is the annual alumni picnic and I can't WAIT to see so many of the ladies who were in rehab with me. We formed such strong bonds in such a short amount of time. The weather is supposed to be great, road trip with the hubby, I have a fab new fall outfit to wear and I get to go to one of my favorite places on earth. Am I happy? I think so!

Let's Talk Fall

I've been ready for fall for a little while now and finally, FINALLY this past weekend I walked outside and said, "It's football weather!!!" I have been SO ready to put up fall decorations and bake yummy apple pumpkiny fall deliciousness. Now I despise Winter, but this, THIS is perfecto.

I've been obsessed recently with Pinterest. If you don't know what it is, it's basically a place where you can "pin" pictures that you find on the internet that you might like to save. You can categorize your pictures in any way that you want. Might sound silly but it's highly addictive. I found a lot of really cool decorating ideas for Fall and Christmas that I can't wait to use. I have done a couple of things already. Here is a little of the season in my house:

This is the chest in our dining room - I just changed out the pictures to fall pictures of the kids and framed a fall quote/print that I found on Pinterest.

I made this banner with cardstock and scrapbook paper - I love it!

Now for the best part of this post - the fall baking. This afternoon I made apple spice cupcakes with cinnamon cream cheese icing. Are you dying yet? There is one thing that I HAVE to tell you before you choose to make these. Are you listening? This is important. This icing it do DIE for. I absolutely love it. I'm not afraid to admit that I literally sucked this icing out of the tip. These smell so good when they are baking and they are so freaking yummy. Go make these. Now.

4 Months & One Last Summer Post

Before I post anything I have to say WOW. After my post a few days ago "coming out" so to speak about my alcoholism, I was bombarded with people leaving me comments of support and love. I post my blog updates on my Facebook page so I had a ton of my Facebook friends posting supportive words. It was awesome really. I didn't write that post to get all of that praise for what I've done, but it was really nice anyway. :) On that note, I'll post one alcohol related item then move on to other things in life. After all, I got sober to live life, not to dwell on my disease!

Today was my 4 month anniversary and I picked up my chip today at my regular noon meeting. I said that it's always a great thing for me to pick up a chip because my sobriety date was also my first day in inpatient rehab. It's good to look back on that time in my life to be reminded of how it was and how it is now. I'll take now, thanks.

(Yeah, I totally took a picture of this with my iphone in the middle of the meeting to send to my husband....HA!)

So, it's 100 degrees here today. What is up with that? It's September. I'm ready to decoarate for fall and do fall baking. I am over this heat. Will's football game tomorrow is canceled because of HEAT. Seriously? Football canceled because of heat? Ugh. Over it. I hate winter though so I'll not complain TOO much. I figured I'll do one last summer post because I'm hoping to get in FALL mode soon! (Confession: I've actually already started decorating for fall...)

Let's talk flowers. And plants. I have NEVER been one who has a green thumb. Okay, let's not sugar coat this - I've never been able to keep plants alive, period. Was it my lack of watering? My lack of fertilizing? My lack of....giving a sh*t? Probably all of those things. With our new home came a lot of new landscaping and I have been determined to keep all of these plants alive and looking fab. So far, I have done pretty well. I've always wanted a house that looks pretty on the outside as well as the inside - pretty flowers, nice porch, all that good stuff. I'm spending a lot of time making sure that happens. I give you...my first attempt at actually giving a sh*t about my yard:

(Look at Rocko in the window - HA!) ^

That is just a few things in my yard right now. Some of you are probably thinking, um really? You are excited about potted plants and some roses and hibiscus? YES. Yes I am. I am telling you, I've killed every plant I've ever had so this is all amazing to me. Turns out maybe I like playing in my yard.

On that note, off to water the plants. And get eaten alive I'm sure.

Yeah, about that whole "recovering alcoholic" thing...

So I decided to go ahead and put "recovering alcoholic" in the "About Me" section on this blog. I questioned it but it is such a huge part of my life now that I can't really blog about my life and leave that part out. I started to wonder, what is the big deal if people know I am a recovering alcoholic? I am proud of the work I have done on myself and the changes I have made in my life and I have no reason to hide it really. I understand that some people do like to keep it to themselves and that is okay. I get it. But for me, I'm throwing it out there. So there it is.

And just how did this all come about? For the past few years most people knew I liked to drink. I was kind of known for that. Everyone knew I loved wine, everyone knew I was always up for going out and having a good time, and if you had questions about wine or liquor, come to me. I've got the answers. I'm not saying that I didn't have some fun times - I did. But what most people didn't see was that my life was spiraling out of control in every aspect. I was not the same person anymore. I was becoming a selfish person who didn't care about consequences, who didn't care about hurting those I love, and didn't care how I looked to other people. It was a nasty spiral.

I'm not about to sit here and tell my whole story yet. I'm nowhere near a point in my sobriety to do so. But a few things I will say just to get them out there. Knowing that alcoholism is a disease is huge to me. It's somewhat comforting to know that I didn't do anything to cause this problem. I have it inside of me, my brain is actually different than a non-addict/alcoholic's brain. Seeing that demonstrated by a doctor who knows his stuff was pretty amazing. I was doomed from the start with my family history and there really was not much I could have done to prevent it from wreaking havoc on me. Knowing what I know now about alcoholism, I look back at my childhood and teen years and know that I had all of the symptoms of a future alcoholic/addict. More on that in a later post. Knowing that alcoholism does not discriminate is a biggie I think. I sit in meetings with doctors, lawyers, surgeons, teachers, coaches, restaurant workers, men, women, young, old, every ethnicity, etc. Anyone can have this. The damn disease will eat you alive no matter what kind of purse you carry or what kind of car you drive. I'm proof of this. Knowing that there are others out there like me has been a great thing. I'm NOT alone in this.

So what happened? Someone smacked me upside the head is what happened. Not literally of course (though it should have happened probably at times). Between my mom and my husband I think I finally was pushed to the brink of a nervous breakdown. I was out of control and they kept pointing it out and as any good alcoholic/addict I was in denial and made excuses for every damn thing I did. After a lot of tears, arguing, hurting everyone around me, I surrendered to the fact that I did have a problem. Something was wrong. Was I willing to admit that I was a bad alcoholic? Eh, not at that point probably but I knew something had to give. Tommy said I could go away to rehab somewhere to get better. This was crucial to me - the going away part. I could not get better here. I had to be away from everything. Some people don't have to, but I did.

May 2nd I was admitted to Cumberland Heights in Nashville, TN for their inpatient 30 day program. Was I scared? Yes. Was I angry? Yes. Was I grateful? Yes. I was about 50 emotions all wrapped up into one scared 29 year old woman. I'll detail more of the rehab experience later but that 30 days changed my life in every way possible. I can never repay everyone there for what they did for me. I made some amazing new friends, had the best counselors, doctors, speakers, etc. that anyone could ask for. That place saved my life. My husband allowing me to go there saved my life. I am eternally grateful. I came home a completely different woman. I was still me in the good ways, but had a totally different outlook on life.

I've been home almost 3 months now and things are better than I could have ever asked for. I have a wonderful sponsor who I speak with a few times a week, I am working the steps of a great program, I go to at the very least 3 meetings a week, I did IOP at home for 6 weeks after returning from Nashville and now am in Aftercare once a week. I also changed my phone number, deleted a myriad of people from Facebook, and dropped a lot of "friends" that I had been hanging out with before. My life is amazing now. It's simple. I have to work hard every day for the amazing part, I won't lie. But I am happier now than I've ever been before. I pick up my 4 month chip on Friday.

So for anyone reading this who knew me as the drinker, don't worry. I'm still fun to be around, I just won't be throwing back the drinks with you anymore. I had one of my closest friends say to me, "I feel so bad about mentioning drinks on your birthday now! I had no idea!" Don't feel bad. This is the first time I'm throwing it out there. Very few people knew about all of this. I wasn't ready to throw it out there until now. So please don't feel bad about anything you have said or done. I'm completely comfortable with my new life (except on the days when I'm not - HA!) so you should be too.

I think that's it for now. I could go on about this subject for hours but I'll save it for later posts. I just needed to get this out there so some of the things I will write about make more sense. Thanks for listening!

Football and Futbol Saturday!

Fall is a busy sports season in our house. We usually have three kids playing soccer among other things like karate, gifted and talented programs, and other various things. This year we have a little bit of a change. Will is playing football for the first time! Tommy is beside himself with excitement as he LOVES football. I think college football opening day is possibly his favorite day of the year. Anyway, so today was Will's very first football game ever. We couldn't have asked for a better team color either - Kentucky Wildcats blue! Does it get any better for Tommy? I think not. Watching a bunch of first and second graders play football is way better than any other activity I could have planned for the morning. Will was a little star out there! I give you number 38...

In addition to Will's game, Tabi had a soccer game this morning. Isn't it fun trying to be in two places at once? Ugh. I opted to go to Will's game since it was his first one ever. I rarely miss a soccer game of hers so I don't think she minded too much. They have had some rough games this week against bigger schools. She is doing great this year though! I could never play soccer. They are ROUGH out there. No thank you. I give you number 1...Tommy had oral surgery yesterday. Ouch! Something about extraction and cadaver bone. If I hear anything else about that part of it I might faint so moving right along...in other news, apparently yesterday a bat flew into my Granny's house. She was told by my uncle to NOT shoot it with a BB gun which was her first instinct but in true Granny-pro-BB-gun-shooting form she nailed it despite being told not to! HA! Moral of the story - don't mess with Granny.