Oh to hell with it...

Last night I was browsing around the internet for other recovery blogs and I found quite a few that I really enjoyed reading. Everyone has a different story - some who have long term recovery, some are just getting into the program, and some are trying to decide if they even need a program. I found one blog that really stood out though. This blog is a man in recovery who is brutally honest and it is beyond refreshing to see. You can check his blog out here. In recovery or not, I think most people would find this a good read. But back to the brutally honest part...it's refreshing. You get into recovery and you are on the proverbial "pink cloud" and everything is sunshine and rainbows. But then a bad day hits. Wait, those aren't supposed to happen now right? I mean, I'm SOBER for crying out loud! Ah, if only it were that simple.

Sex and the City is one of my favorite shows of all time. There is one episode where Samantha is to speak at a charity benefit for Cancer. She writes this lovely speech that sounds all wonderful and everything is right where it should be but when she gets up to give it, she breaks out into a horrible sweat. She is uncomfortable. She is miserable. So she instead rips off her wig exposing her bald head and says, "Oh to hell with it..." Then she gets honest. Brutally, not pretty, really honest.

It kind of had me take a look at my own blog. I think a lot of us have a habit of putting a lot of really good things on a blog. Myself included. Great recipes, great days spent with family, kids accomplishments, etc. I think sometimes though on the days that blogging would probably really be beneficial to me I think to myself, "Okay, no one wants to hear you bitch and moan about a bad day." So then I go bitch and moan to my sponsor or hit a meeting. Not that those are bad things but I guess I want to make sure I'm being real on this blog. Even if it isn't always pretty and well put together. I'm ripping the wig off people. In the words of the great Samantha Jones, "To hell with it!"

So how do I REALLY feel right now in my sobriety? Most days I truly do feel great. I mean I'm not hungover, I'm not lying to anyone, I'm not manipulating people, and I'm actually doing the things that a real grown up wife/sister/daughter/stepmom does. It's pretty wonderful. Except for on days when it is not.

What is a bad day in sobriety? Well, it doesn't mean you have to go out and drink or use. I would be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind though. It does. Just Saturday night after a particularly stressful week I thought, man, a glass of wine would be so great while I'm fixing dinner. It's a fleeting thought though. Right after I think that I go straight to, "You idiot. You can't drink just ONE glass of wine. You know this. Get praying." So I do. But does it sometimes agitate me when I see people who can drink normally knowing that I can't? Yes. It does. I am not mad at them for being "normal" when I think those things. Probably more mad at my own disease. I know that I can't have two glasses of wine with dinner and be finished though. And that's that.

Other bad day things? How about when the guilt of the crap that you have put everyone through rears its ugly head? Those days are fun right? I'm in the middle of doing my 5th step right now so a lot of these things have popped up. I think most of the time I can tell myself, "April, you are a sick person. You were not yourself then. You didn't mean to treat everyone the way you did...you just needed help. Badly." Some days though the guilt hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't let myself wallow for long but when it hits, it HITS.

For me another thing that is extremely frustrating is that sometimes I can't deal with LIFE. That's right, LIFE. Day to day things. If I get a week that is jam packed busy, I get completely overwhelmed and stressed and my mental state gets all out of whack. It doesn't make me want to drink but it makes me feel less than great for sure. Those are the times that in the past I would have heavily self medicated with bottles of wine. Now I have to dig myself out and get to a meeting even if it's the last thing I want to do that day. I think, why does this stuff stress you out? People live every day dealing with MUCH more stress than you do. Oh yeah...I'm sick. That's right. My bad.

I guess those are the main things that I deal with on bad days. Everyone says the first year of sobriety is a total roller coaster. I would agree. I get motion sick really easily so roller coasters have never been my thing and now is no exception. But the good outweighs the bad by FAR. I sure as heck don't want to go back to the way things were before. I know that they CAN very easily which is what keeps me working my program and "doing the deal." I know I have to.

So thanks to the guy who is so real on his blog. I hope to start being more real as well. Baby steps.

Here's what's been cookin'

Two posts in one week! I am a crazy woman. HA I wanted to get on here to post a few recipes that I've made lately. I used to have a blog devoted solely to my baking and cooking but as I said, that was called "wine lover's cooking diary." I feel like that isn't appropriate anymore....ahem. Anyway, I am still cooking and baking though and I want to share some things that I have made lately in case you are looking for some new things to try! I love the internet for finding fabulous recipes...I don't know what I did before cooking blogs!!!

I like to use the crockpot when I can since we are so darn busy. Hubby isn't as huge of a fan as me but he also isn't the one who has to find time to fix dinner with our schedules so sometimes I just go for it. :) This loaded baked potato soup is SO good. It was perfect for a cold day and smelled so delicious while cooking. Very easy to make! If you want it a little thicker then use less chicken broth. I will probably use less next time.

One of my all time favorite fall recipes is for iced pumpkin cookies. I made these a few years ago for the first time and now I get requests for these every year. I made these for hubby's secretary last week for her birthday and everyone loved them! Whoever came up with this recipe deserves a medal. The pumpkin cookie part is good enough to eat on it's own but is made every yummier with the drizzled icing. YUM! (picture from allrecipes.com)
Here is another yummy crockpot recipe - southwest chicken stacks. I LOVED this one. I could live on Mexican type food though so it would be something for me to NOT have loved it. You can really do a lot of different things with this recipe - make it into tacos, burritos, quesadillas, or my favorite, over tortilla chips. I make mine into nachos with all the fixings and it is so good. Even kid friendly which is always good! (photo from Mel's Kitchen Cafe blog)

I guess one final post should be the birthday cake that I made for my stepson's birthday. I was terrified to make this cake. I am pretty crafty - not to toot my own horn, but creativity is just one of my strengths. But cake? I had never messed with cake. Cookies? Yes. Cake? No. But Will wanted an army tank cake, so an army tank cake was what he would get. I found some ideas on Pinterest and used those as starter guides. Here is what mine ended up looking like:

Hope you enjoy at least one of these recipes - I have lots more where these came from so I hope to share them with you soon! Happy Sunday!

On being an inspiration and fun in recovery

Once again it's been forever since I have blogged. You would think I would have a ton of time to do so but I am actually pretty busy most of the time. And I think that blogging is something you have to be in the mood to do. If you aren't it's more of a chore than something therapeutic and fun which is what blogging means to me. So a lot has happened! We had my Will's 8th birthday party last weekend, Tabi finished up soccer and made the honor roll, Sheridan was voted into student council and on the school paper, and hubby leaves for Korea on Sunday for business. Oh and Rocko, well, he is still Rocko. Sleeping. A LOT. HA

A couple of things have happened yesterday and today that kind of made me want to write. Yesterday I was told by two different people that I was an inspiration to them. Me??? An inspiration? Both of these people probably read this blog so I hope they don't mind me writing about them but they really made my day. A long time friend of Tommy's wrote to me yesterday sharing that she had dealt with addiction in her own family and that she was so inspired by me showing her that addiction doesn't always win. Last night I spoke with someone I love very much who was a roommate at inpatient rehab. She has struggled with relapse and struggling to find her way on this journey of sobriety. I pray for her every single day and I know she can do this when she is ready. She said that I give her hope and that she is inspired by me and how I am living my life. Two people in one day said those things to me. It made me feel really good I have to say. That wouldn't have happened 6 months ago when I was active in my alcoholism. Today I can say that though I am sober for myself, being an inspiration to others is one of the many things that helps keep me sober and hold me accountable for my actions in my recovery. I know that I am inspired by people in the program who have remained sober for years and equally as inspired by the newcomer who comes in and picks up that white surrender chip. To think that someone feels that way about me makes me so grateful for my own recovery. To think that I am helping people in some way even if it's just showing them that addiction doesn't always win, then I am doing something right. As I grow in my sobriety I hope to be able to continue to share my experience, strength, and hope with others to help with their journey as well as continue on my own.

When I first went into meetings before treatment I was not sold on them. For one I was completely turned off by the "Higher Power" talk and for another I thought I didn't belong there. I wasn't bad enough and why would these people ever want to hang out with me or why would they care about me and what I did? Now almost 6 months later, I can't imagine my life with "these people". There are days when I do not want to go to a meeting. Most of the time it's because I'm being lazy or because I'm in a bad mood for some reason. Those days are exactly the days I need to get my butt to a meeting. Today I was feeling a little lazy, I can't lie. But I dragged myself to my normal noon meeting and I am so glad that I did. I love that meeting. I go to it at least twice a week, sometimes more. There is a lot of long term sobriety as well as newcomers. A good mix of old and young, rich and poor, men and women, and everything in between. The people in that group have become a family to me. I miss them when I don't see them and I know when I am gone they wonder where I am. Because they genuinely care. Most people in there are regulars and have been going for quite some time so we are all a pretty tight knit group. You have your jokesters, you have your more serious people, you have your people who never talk and those that, well, can talk to much sometimes. :) Today I ended up between two guys who are regulars who I have come to respect a lot for the way they work the program. They are also two of the biggest class clowns possible and between the three of us, a couple of guys sitting in front of us, and the rest of the group, we laughed and cut up so much that I left the meeting with a smile on my face a lot bigger than the one I came in there with. I am so thankful for that part of my reocvery family at the noon meeting. It IS possible to have fun in recovery. You just have to get involved, meet people, throw yourself out there and work it. It's a choice you have to make and I'm glad I"m getting more comfortable with that choice.

That is my recovery talk for the day. HA I am now ready to chill out at home on this chilly Friday night and watch Game 7 of the World Series. What a game last night! As a Cardinals fan I am rooting hard for them. However, I am rooting for Josh Hamilton on the opposing team - he is a recovering addict and has such a powerful story. It's amazing to me when people who have so much power due to their celebrity put themselves out there with their stories. They probably have no idea how much they help others in recovery and those who might one day be in recovery.

Go CARDINALS!

Long time, no blog!

I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged! Life is pretty busy right now with recovery events, meetings, kids sports (3 playing soccer with 1 playing football in addition to soccer!), and just life in general. I am thankful for my sobriety to be able to actually ENJOY these things going on. Don't get me wrong, sometime I get overwhelmed. I had a day a couple of weeks ago where I thought, okay, I don't have time for everything and then I got in the nasty spiral of overthinking things which gets me nowhere. But overall I am very happy with where life has taken me even if it's busy! So let's catch up here...

A couple of weeks ago Tommy and I made the 2.5 hour drive to Nashville, TN to go to the Cumberland Heights annual alumni picnic. I can't even explain to you the feeling of peace that comes over me anytime I go back there. It saved my life and I am thankful for that every single day. We had lunch, heard a speaker, and the best part was being able to visit with some of my "sisters" who went through treatment with me. That is a bond that will never be broken for sure! I snuck a few pictures from that day, including this one where I am pretty much thinking, "Haha, look at me! I have not only my phone but a camera on campus AND I'm wearing a skirt!!" Okay, maybe not but that little alcoholic voice inside of me was probably thinking this since as a patient I couldn't have done ANY of those things!!! HA (Seriously though, one day we got in trouble for wearing yoga pants...YOGA PANTS! Apparently they were too tight on our butts and the boys were distracted. Um, whatever.... HA)

Somewhere along the past couple of weeks we have also had Tabi's senior night for soccer, my other half sister had her baby shower, Will's final football game of the season, had about 10 trees cut down in the back yard today, and assorted other things.

This past week I've started having some major joint pain in my fingers, wrists, elbows and now ankles. I've had it off and on for the past few months in mild form but the past week it has really taken on a new level. I went to the doctor twice this week and on Friday had blood drawn to check for rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, etc. I am praying it is not RA but that does run in our family unfortunately. I am keeping my fingers crossed that my bloodwork comes back okay and it's just inflammation or some sort. I said I'm going to wear a shirt that says, "I became sober and all I got was rheumatoid arthritis!" HA

Today I was very fortunate to be able to attend the annual alumni picnic at Deaconess Crosspointe, the center where I had my outpatient treatment. It was a great fellowship lunch with an awesome speaker. I am so thankful for both Donna and Dave who run the program that I attended - they save lives every day doing what they do. I know that they had a hand in saving mine. I am blessed to be able to be surrounded by such amazing people at these events. And I was able to play with my sponsor's grandson which is a treat! He is such a cute little baby! That event put me in a great spot for the rest of the day.

I have a couple of other things up my sleeve to blog about but as I said, my fingers and wrists are hurting right now so I can't type for long periods of time. Stay tuned to hear why I now have a ceramic white elephant on my mantle and very weird story about a find in a local "junk shop" that made both my mom and I step back and say, "Whoa...God works in mysterious ways."

PS - Tomorrow is my 5 month anniversary of being sober!!!

Where did the week go?

This is one of those weeks where I think, where the heck did the week go??? It seems like what I did last weekend was just yesterday.

Last weekend was a great overall weekend. It truly was one of those weekends where I thought, wow, I am so happy I am sober to enjoy all of this. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy every day that I'm sober but I know that the things that made me truly happy inside last weekend wouldn't have made me as happy when I was drinking. Sad, but true. Friday was my mom's birthday and we always do a day trip to wherever she wants to go. She is very into geneaology and our family tree so we drove around to some small towns near here and looked at old family cemeteries, old school houses, and went to Spring Mill.

















Last Friday night hubby and I went to the Friday night meetings of Al-Anon and AA which conveniently are right next door to one another in the building. After that a group of us couples including my sponsor and her hubby went out to eat at IHOP. I am not a huge IHOP fan but I had pumpkin pancakes. They were to die for. I MUST make some. We stayed out until almost 11 - late night for us! Oh how things change.

Saturday was another great day. We woke up and went to Will's football game and...wait for it...he scored his first touchdown ever! So fun to watch that. After that we had the kids and we just hung out at home all day. Rocko and Will played in the backyard, Tommy watched college football, Sheridan did her almost teenage girl thing which I believe was consisting of watching movies and painting nails, and I did various things like working in the yard. We made two new recipes that day - one for dinner and one for dessert. The dinner recipe was pepperoni pizza puffs. Such a cute idea for a kids dinner and they both loved them. I suggest you try them especially for the kiddos.





















(I could not for the life of me get good pics of these on my own so I'm using the pictures from the blogs that I found the recipes. Need to work on food photography skills clearly...HA!)

For dessert we made snickerdoodle cake with brown sugar cinnamon buttercream. Did you die a little bit just reading that? Here is how you know it is a good cake - between the cake and the icing it called for SIX and a HALF sticks of butter. No, that is not a typo. As disgusting as the thought of that much butter sounds, this cake is SO freaking good. Perfect for fall. The kids had a good time helping make it and licking the beaters. When they were 3 and 7 they fought over who got to pour in the ingredients and now at 7 and 11 they are STILL having this same argument. HA!

So overall last weekend was awesome. I can't even tell you what all I've done this week. Like I said, seems like it just came and went. I worked concession stand Tuesday night at Tabi's soccer game which I was dreading but actually was kind of fun. This is one of those unselfish type things that I look at and know that when I was in my addiction I would have just not even volunteered to do. It wouldn't have crossed my mind. Different year, different me. I've been obsessing this week over our bedroom decor. I haven't touched the bedroom yet as I've been working on the rest of the house and in true addict fashion I can't have a project and just not let it consume me. Hopefully I'll pull the trigger and buy some things soon so I can get it off my mind. HA

Tomorrow we are heading to Cumberland Heights in Nashville where I went to inpatient treatment. It is the annual alumni picnic and I can't WAIT to see so many of the ladies who were in rehab with me. We formed such strong bonds in such a short amount of time. The weather is supposed to be great, road trip with the hubby, I have a fab new fall outfit to wear and I get to go to one of my favorite places on earth. Am I happy? I think so!

Let's Talk Fall

I've been ready for fall for a little while now and finally, FINALLY this past weekend I walked outside and said, "It's football weather!!!" I have been SO ready to put up fall decorations and bake yummy apple pumpkiny fall deliciousness. Now I despise Winter, but this, THIS is perfecto.

I've been obsessed recently with Pinterest. If you don't know what it is, it's basically a place where you can "pin" pictures that you find on the internet that you might like to save. You can categorize your pictures in any way that you want. Might sound silly but it's highly addictive. I found a lot of really cool decorating ideas for Fall and Christmas that I can't wait to use. I have done a couple of things already. Here is a little of the season in my house:

This is the chest in our dining room - I just changed out the pictures to fall pictures of the kids and framed a fall quote/print that I found on Pinterest.

I made this banner with cardstock and scrapbook paper - I love it!

Now for the best part of this post - the fall baking. This afternoon I made apple spice cupcakes with cinnamon cream cheese icing. Are you dying yet? There is one thing that I HAVE to tell you before you choose to make these. Are you listening? This is important. This icing it do DIE for. I absolutely love it. I'm not afraid to admit that I literally sucked this icing out of the tip. These smell so good when they are baking and they are so freaking yummy. Go make these. Now.

4 Months & One Last Summer Post

Before I post anything I have to say WOW. After my post a few days ago "coming out" so to speak about my alcoholism, I was bombarded with people leaving me comments of support and love. I post my blog updates on my Facebook page so I had a ton of my Facebook friends posting supportive words. It was awesome really. I didn't write that post to get all of that praise for what I've done, but it was really nice anyway. :) On that note, I'll post one alcohol related item then move on to other things in life. After all, I got sober to live life, not to dwell on my disease!

Today was my 4 month anniversary and I picked up my chip today at my regular noon meeting. I said that it's always a great thing for me to pick up a chip because my sobriety date was also my first day in inpatient rehab. It's good to look back on that time in my life to be reminded of how it was and how it is now. I'll take now, thanks.

(Yeah, I totally took a picture of this with my iphone in the middle of the meeting to send to my husband....HA!)

So, it's 100 degrees here today. What is up with that? It's September. I'm ready to decoarate for fall and do fall baking. I am over this heat. Will's football game tomorrow is canceled because of HEAT. Seriously? Football canceled because of heat? Ugh. Over it. I hate winter though so I'll not complain TOO much. I figured I'll do one last summer post because I'm hoping to get in FALL mode soon! (Confession: I've actually already started decorating for fall...)

Let's talk flowers. And plants. I have NEVER been one who has a green thumb. Okay, let's not sugar coat this - I've never been able to keep plants alive, period. Was it my lack of watering? My lack of fertilizing? My lack of....giving a sh*t? Probably all of those things. With our new home came a lot of new landscaping and I have been determined to keep all of these plants alive and looking fab. So far, I have done pretty well. I've always wanted a house that looks pretty on the outside as well as the inside - pretty flowers, nice porch, all that good stuff. I'm spending a lot of time making sure that happens. I give you...my first attempt at actually giving a sh*t about my yard:

(Look at Rocko in the window - HA!) ^

That is just a few things in my yard right now. Some of you are probably thinking, um really? You are excited about potted plants and some roses and hibiscus? YES. Yes I am. I am telling you, I've killed every plant I've ever had so this is all amazing to me. Turns out maybe I like playing in my yard.

On that note, off to water the plants. And get eaten alive I'm sure.